People who has “step mums” - did you see them as equal to your own mum?)if she was present and a good mum)

[cheekycee]

Hi,
so I split from DS father and I am petrified for the day he meets another lady and introduces her to our son. Now I really want him to find a woman he can treat right (hopefully - first time for everything!) & I know how important it is for my son to see healthy relationships. However there is a very selfish and jealous side of me with this and I openly admit it.
my worries are:
what if my son sees her as a mother😢
what if she makes him think he is her son in a way🥺
what if she’s mean to him?!😡
what if she doesn’t like him and takes things out on him!?😟🤬
What if him and her have a mother/son bond😢😢😢

I know I’m being silly but it breaks my heart to think what if someone else takes my son away from me😢😢😢

I have a step mum and am one. You’re borrowing trouble, deal with it if and when it comes up.

Remember the relationship between your son and his dad is his dad’s responsibility.

I’m just petrified of someone taking my son away from me…

Nobody could ever replace my mum, certainly not my stepmom.

Why would him loving someone else be taking him away from you?

There isn't a finite amount of love available.

I think you need to have a good old think about why your first questions were about if your son would love her, then your next questions are about if she's awful to him.

You want people around him who love and adore him don't you?

That’s so nice to say! What is it that makes you feel that way? I think I am worried more as DS is only 1!

Exactly.
I had this fear.
my dd saw right through step mum.
I’ll always be no 1

Because your mum is your mum. She gives you unconditional love. Stepmom on the other hand…

Yes absolutely I do. There’s so much more to this but I am just trying to get my points out. I am so insecure about him loving her more which really is pathetic I know and I’m unsure if it’s come from me having an awful relationship with my mother and always longing for another mum, myself. Which is likely the case? I put my all into being a mum and try my best for my kids as my mum didn’t with me so maybe I’m feeling secure because I am projecting? Idk

Very true. I’m just so insecure about it I know it is wrong and I hate feeling like this

God no, not even close. And my mum is hard work.

At what age did you meet a step mother? My DS is only 1 so it makes me worry

A good relationship with a stepmum is addition not replacement. Additional adults in your child's life who listen to them, help them out, is usually good thing.

Yes it would be a good thing I think I’m overthinking. He’s not even met anyone yet I don’t think!

I’ve had two stepmothers - once as a teenager and once as an adult - neither of them were my mum, they were my dad’s wives

Your ex husband has likely had the same thoughts about you meeting another man. As long as you both have a good co-parenting relationship, none of this should be an issue.
(also - cross that bridge when you come to it, but it hasn’t even been built yet!)

I say this with kindness op, I really think counselling would benefit you.

You have already projected a huge amount of angst onto this woman who doesn't exist yet.

It's very hard having a rough childhood and a crap Mum, I've been there, but you can't let that destroy your relationship with your children.

All you need to concentrate on right now is being a great Mum, and it's obvious how much you adore your son. Don't catastrophise about the future too much, concentrate on the now.

My parents separated when I was young. Both had several partners before finding their soulmates.

Very fond of various step parents, entirely neutral about others and deeply disliked one.

But my mum and dad were my mum and dad.

I am a stepmum. In no way am I a second mum. It's a different role.

I have a lovely stepmum. I love her but she's not my mum. It's a completely different relationship and no one could ever take my mum's place.

Sorry what do you mean by angst? Yes you are right.
im currently waiting for counselling but a couple of months waiting..

How sad that your first thoughts are about your position rather than your child’s happiness.

A step parent is a bonus not a replacement. Stop thinking of love as a finite portion and start thinking of it as something that has unlimited boundaries and you’ll be a lot happier. Don’t store up trouble where it’s not.

I met my stepmother when I was a toddler and she has never once, not for even a moment, eclipsed my mum in my affections. And my mum isn't perfect but she's the only mum I'll ever have and she tries her best.

You've already decided this woman is going to either steal your son or hate him and you're stressing about it.

The reality is, when she does exist, she will be kind to him, and they will probably like each other, but you'll always be his Mum, the one who loves him unconditionally.

If you read my post I mention his wellbeing before my points

Your son already has a loving mother, no-one is going to replace you. If he does have a stepmum at some point in the future, you should hope that she is kind and loving and that he has a good relationship with her and that she will take care of him when he's with her and his dad. We all have the capacity to love multiple people. If you have another child, it doesn't mean you'd love your son any less, does it? Kindly, I think you need to address your insecurity through counselling.

Even nice step mums are more like an aunt.