People who has “step mums” - did you see them as equal to your own mum?)if she was present and a good mum)

[cheekycee]

Hi,
so I split from DS father and I am petrified for the day he meets another lady and introduces her to our son. Now I really want him to find a woman he can treat right (hopefully - first time for everything!) & I know how important it is for my son to see healthy relationships. However there is a very selfish and jealous side of me with this and I openly admit it.
my worries are:
what if my son sees her as a mother😢
what if she makes him think he is her son in a way🥺
what if she’s mean to him?!😡
what if she doesn’t like him and takes things out on him!?😟🤬
What if him and her have a mother/son bond😢😢😢

I know I’m being silly but it breaks my heart to think what if someone else takes my son away from me😢😢😢

i think you need to seek counselling too as you have some serious issues. Trying to kick people when they’re down online. Very odd behaviour for an adult. As I say. Enjoy your weekend don’t worry about my post you do you. Good night x

No it isn’t a bad thing I do think as I mentioned before it’s very likely issues of my own. I think as I previously said my relationship with my mother was bad and so I feel I’m protecting perhaps

Oh my word that is heartbreaking!!! No matter what you don’t let the kids know that’s very cruel

I never saw her as a step mum, more as my dad's wife, if that makes sense?

She never took any place of my mum, nor did she ever try to. When I visited, it was very much time for me with my dad, not really us doing things the three of us like another family.

This was the 80s/90s though so blended families have probably evolved.

When I was younger there was some quiet resentment on my part that perhaps if she wasn't around my mum and dad would get back together. However, as an adult I can absolutely see my mum and dad were not suited for each other, why they even got married ill never know!

But I do know my dad and step mum loved each other very very much and made each other very happy, they just clicked, or worked, however you want to put it, but she never ever replaced my mum in any way at all.

It's something to deal with yourself given your insecurity about it.

Some of my friends get jealous about my relationships with their kids when I only see them for a few hours a handful of times a year! It's because I buy them presents and take them to places and I'm a novelty rather than the one yelling because they haven't done their homework or lost their coat or whatever.

You're going to end up paranoid given the number of people who will be interacting with your child. You should enjoy it and feel happy that your child has people who love them around them, not everyone is that lucky.

I preferred my SM to my actual mother. Shame the wrong one died 3 weeks ago.

I have my DSS full time and he absolutely sees me a mum, calls me mum and says that other people have two mum’s so why can’t he. BUT his mum is an alcoholic who exposed him to awful things and let him down so much and he’s lived with me for nearly half his life (he’s 10) and I’ve been with his dad since he was 2. If he didn’t live with me and his mum hadn’t damaged their relationship so much he wouldn’t have considered me the same way.

I would say that her having an issue with him loving me actually hurt their relationship more than ours. I always let him lead, never pushed the relationship and went with what he was comfortable with. I never intended to replace his mum and still don’t. So just trust that if you’re a good mum you’ll always be number 1 and how lovely if your child gets someone else who loves them too. I’d be much more worried if they weren’t nice!

I am a step mum and I love my step children very much. They love me too but I will never replace their mum and would never expect too. All
of us adults have the children’s best interests at heart and my husband and his ex wife co parent well. I am there to support but don’t interfere as it’s not my role

I'm a stepmom and I wouldn't think my step DC see me as anything close to their mother even though I'm fond of them and they are of me.

You’re his mum and nothing will change that. Just focus on your relationship with him and not hypothetical scenarios

My step mum was much nicer to me than my mum.

My step mum is my mum, she fulfilled the role of mother in every way my actual mum didn’t. My mum became very toxic when my step mum came into my life which hurt our relationship significantly. She was also very controlling and I would fear saying nice things about my dad or anyone else as she would somehow take that as a dig at her. It’s good you’re reaching out for support as I’d strongly recommend some before a real life step mum pops up. You’re feelings are valid but please don’t let your insecurities impact your relationship with your child, you sound like you love him very much! One more person loving your son will not take anything away from you, unless you let it.

Calm down your give yourself a heart attack. Live in the present. The future hasn't happened.

I get on ok with my stepmum, she’s a nice lady and mum to my half siblings and she never fucked up my relationship with my own mum. Nah, my mum did that all herself. One of the ways she did it was acting on the insecurities you’re having about this issue.

Be the best mum you can be to your child, enjoy your time together and encourage their relationship with their dad and his family. You’ll be fine if and when a stepparent comes on the scene.

It’s better for your son to have another person that loves him. I’m in my 40’s, my step mum has been in my life since I can remember, I was 3 when my parents divorced. I love her and she loves me and my sister but she’s not my mum. She has never tried to be a mum to us but she’s always been there and is a fantastic nan to my son & my nieces.

I didn’t feel like this.. the more people who loved my kids the better. However much dd loves her step mum, I’m her mum.. it’s as simple as that.

However her step mum recently told me how much she loves (now adult) dd, and I told her we can share her!

I put my all into being a mum and try my best for my kids as my mum didn’t with me so maybe I’m feeling secure because I am projecting? Idk

So you have more than one child?

How do you feel about the other one having a step mother?

The only (adult) children I know who love their stepparents like parents are ones whose actual mother or father abandoned them and left a parent shaped "hole" in their lives. For my grown DSSs I have (not purposefully but purely because I was their primary caregiver with their siblings) fully became their Mum because while they were growing up their Mum was fully absent. Strangely, we all get on the absolute best now and I'm like an auntie to her younger children (my DSSs' siblings) but she is very much like an auntie to my boys.

If you're an active involved loving parent I can't imagine there's any chance of your being "replaced".

If you had a second child and your DS said said “Mum, I’m so worried that you having another child will mean you don’t love me any more” what would you say?

Im guessing something like, “Oh darling, love only grows and I have plenty for you both.”

If and when your ex gets in a relationship with a good woman who can be a good step mother to your DC you should be happy that your child has more people in his life, loving him and guiding him. He won’t have less love for you because there is someone else he can love, just as you won’t have less love for him if you have another child.

I had a step mum, the less said the better, but I was an adult when dad married her so it’s different

I am a stepmom to 2 I love them like my own, they lived with us 50/50 from the age of 5 and 8 though I had known them from 1 and 4. At 11 and 15 they came full time because they lost their mum. I love them so much but I would never want or be able to replace their mum. I would like to think they love me but it’s a different love , it’s hard to explain really, we talk about their mum, she moved in and lived with us for 3 months before she went to hospice care so she was very much a part of our lives. I think it sums it up really when I say they call her mum, but they call me ma.

i don’t believe their mother ever had to question their feelings for her, and believe me it wasn’t always a bed of roses we’ve had our difficult times. But they always from the moment they were born loved her beyond all else, they have grown to love me ( well I think do ) we went from dads friend to a friend to the other mum / cook / bottle washer to ma. They always went to her first if they needed help, they always chose her above me, they always get a look in their eyes when we talk about her, and I wouldn’t have it different

There’s a bond between a mum and child that can’t be copied. There might be times when dad’s friend is more fun or cooks better food or can braid hair better. But she’s not mum

My stepson would tell you he sees me more as a mum than his bio. But that’s because his mum was shit. Had she even been a half decent mother then this would not have happened. Bio parents are allowed to get off with a lot more than step parents.

I get on great with my stepchildren (and their Mum actually too), but I can’t replace their Mum, nor do I want to.

I think we all feel it’s better that all of the adults get on, and all speak positively of each other in front of the children. We will make a point of highlighting thoughtful things their Mums partner or his family do for them, so they know it is okay and completely possible for everyone to get along.

I treat my stepchildren like they are my own when in my care. Which decent human being wouldn't? By that I mean care for them, make sure they're OK, show them love etc.
I also know and respect that the children already have a mum and I am by no means ever a replacement! The children adore their mum and talk fondly of her all the time. Their love for her will never change and neither will your son's if your ex meets someone else.
I always think that children are very lucky to have so many caring adults in their lives. Who wouldn't want that for their child?

Stop being utterly horrible to someone who has vulnerably admitted that she is struggling with difficult feelings and asked for help.

You come off extremely poorly, as if you are taking out personal anger on the OP. Your spite says a lot more about you than her.

I’m a step mum and my son also has a step mum. My step daughter was 4 when I met her. She gave me a hard time but I sucked it up. She’s now 24 and she and I have a good relationship. She comes to me for advice etc and in the last few years I’ve even had a Mother’s Day card which is so lovely. I’ve never tried to be her mum as she has one already.

My son on the other hand had a difficult time with his step mum. He’s also in his 20’s now and he told me a few years back about how his step mum had been to him. Horrible at times.

Blended families are hard work for sure but if she’s a decent person then a step parent will hopefully be a bonus adult for them either as a child or later in life.