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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who has “step mums” - did you see them as equal to your own mum?)if she was present and a good mum)

85 replies

cheekycee · 21/03/2025 19:35

Hi,
so I split from DS father and I am petrified for the day he meets another lady and introduces her to our son. Now I really want him to find a woman he can treat right (hopefully - first time for everything!) & I know how important it is for my son to see healthy relationships. However there is a very selfish and jealous side of me with this and I openly admit it.
my worries are:
what if my son sees her as a mother😢
what if she makes him think he is her son in a way🥺
what if she’s mean to him?!😡
what if she doesn’t like him and takes things out on him!?😟🤬
What if him and her have a mother/son bond😢😢😢

I know I’m being silly but it breaks my heart to think what if someone else takes my son away from me😢😢😢

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 21/03/2025 20:14

I don’t see my stepmum as equal to my mum, no. They’re both completely different relationships. My mum is my mum. My stepmum is my stepmum. My mum loves me unconditionally. My stepmum likes (not loves) me conditionally.

Lightuptheroom · 21/03/2025 20:14

Calm down... my ds was 2 when I split with his dad, by the time he was 3 my ex H had a new wife and he was going all out introducing this lady as 'mum' and her daughters as new 'sisters' to ds....
Ds is now 23... he has absolutely nothing to do with his dad or this lady (totally his choice unfortunately his dad let him down very badly when it really mattered)
Was it hard watching another woman 'parent' my child - yes, particularly as she seemed to think she was some kind of 'expert' and my ex was a truly inadequate parent.
Did I just ignore it unless there was an actual safeguarding concern? Yes
Who do you think my ds turned to at all the important stages in his life? It certainly wasn't her!
Try not to overthink these things, if its a positive relationship, then it's an additional adult who cares about him. If it becomes negative, that's when you take steps to sort the problems out.

Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:14

Endofyear · 21/03/2025 20:11

Your son already has a loving mother, no-one is going to replace you. If he does have a stepmum at some point in the future, you should hope that she is kind and loving and that he has a good relationship with her and that she will take care of him when he's with her and his dad. We all have the capacity to love multiple people. If you have another child, it doesn't mean you'd love your son any less, does it? Kindly, I think you need to address your insecurity through counselling.

Thank you for this. You’re totally right I am in the process of getting counselling. Thank you

OP posts:
Azandme · 21/03/2025 20:16

I had the best mum, and I had my dad's wife.

backawayfatty1 · 21/03/2025 20:16

My daughter has a step-mum, she's 15. I am a step mum to 2 teen boys. Each of the kids loves their step-mum, appreciates them but we are not mum. I love the boys but their mum is their mum. I'm not trying to replace her. On the flip side I appreciated my daughter's step-mum being a good person to her. I would embrace anyone who wants to love & care for your children - it takes a village!

Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:17

Lightuptheroom · 21/03/2025 20:14

Calm down... my ds was 2 when I split with his dad, by the time he was 3 my ex H had a new wife and he was going all out introducing this lady as 'mum' and her daughters as new 'sisters' to ds....
Ds is now 23... he has absolutely nothing to do with his dad or this lady (totally his choice unfortunately his dad let him down very badly when it really mattered)
Was it hard watching another woman 'parent' my child - yes, particularly as she seemed to think she was some kind of 'expert' and my ex was a truly inadequate parent.
Did I just ignore it unless there was an actual safeguarding concern? Yes
Who do you think my ds turned to at all the important stages in his life? It certainly wasn't her!
Try not to overthink these things, if its a positive relationship, then it's an additional adult who cares about him. If it becomes negative, that's when you take steps to sort the problems out.

Thank you this is helpful hearing off another woman. Introducing her as mum wow! I’m sorry that happened that must have been awful!! I’m glad your son is thriving with the right people around him x

OP posts:
DearBee · 21/03/2025 20:17

RentalWoesNotFun · 21/03/2025 19:50

Because your mum is your mum. She gives you unconditional love. Stepmom on the other hand…

Tbh, this isn't always true. Thinking particularly of my own stepdaughter's 'mother' who spent most of her time passed out drunk instead of bothering with her kid. She's dead now - from the drink.

Anyway... OP. That's not you. I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Hopefully if your DC get a stepmum, they'll have a good relationship, but she isn't going to 'replace' you.

neonheart · 21/03/2025 20:18

lljkk · 21/03/2025 19:54

A good relationship with a stepmum is addition not replacement. Additional adults in your child's life who listen to them, help them out, is usually good thing.

This

Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:19

DearBee · 21/03/2025 20:17

Tbh, this isn't always true. Thinking particularly of my own stepdaughter's 'mother' who spent most of her time passed out drunk instead of bothering with her kid. She's dead now - from the drink.

Anyway... OP. That's not you. I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Hopefully if your DC get a stepmum, they'll have a good relationship, but she isn't going to 'replace' you.

Show quote history

I think it’s become quite clear to me that I have some sort of insecurity of becoming replaced… I think that’s the issue here. Thank you

OP posts:
UnimaginableWindBird · 21/03/2025 20:20

I was very lucky because I have three parents. Two are biological and one is my stepmother, but all three have loved and cared for and brought me up and done the hard stuff, and they are all grandparents to my children. I consider myself fortunate to have had so much love.

Catsandcannedbeans · 21/03/2025 20:23

I had a few step mums growing up, my dad kind of went off the deep end for a bit after my mum left him.
First one - was younger, she was super cool and nice, but never motherly. She did show me how to straighten my hair and put make up on me, which my mum went ballistic at because I was 8. She was just trying to be nice.
Second woman - my dad married her, she was horrible to me and my sister but okay with my brothers. She is honestly horrible and the way she treated me and the way my dad allowed her to treat me damaged mine and my sisters relationship with him for a long time. If the new step mum is mean to your son, it can really have an impact on his relationship with his dad.
Current step mum (his wife of 10 years) - love her so much! She’s amazing and kind. Even my mum gets on with her at family events, which is nice. No matter how much I love her and enjoy spending time with her, she isn’t my mum. No one will replace you! Even the best step mum in the world is more like an aunt as previous posters have said.

blubberyboo · 21/03/2025 20:24

Relationships throughout life are fluid. You can't therefore stall your own life trying to prepare for something you can't control.

Reality is your son likely will have someone filling the step mum role at some point but his and her relationship will probably have many ups and a few downs. Just like any other relationships. Being a parent includes allowing your children to form relationships with other people, and you will guide him along the way.

If she is good to him that's all you need to be concerned with.

harriethoyle · 21/03/2025 20:26

cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:06

If you read my post I mention his wellbeing before my points

Show quote history

You don’t. Your VERY FIRST bullet point is “what if my son sees her as a mother?”

All about you. Not your child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2025 20:26

I’m a terrible one for anxiety but you can’t let this worry you before it even happens - your ex might never meet anyone else for one thing!

My kids have a step mum and I’d say she was more like an aunt than a Mum.

If you’re a good Mum, it’s highly unlikely your DS will see another person as equal to you, however nice they are!

Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:27

harriethoyle · 21/03/2025 20:26

You don’t. Your VERY FIRST bullet point is “what if my son sees her as a mother?”

All about you. Not your child.

Show quote history

Hun… it’s above the bullet points. Read it all..

OP posts:
Traitorrotiart · 21/03/2025 20:27

I am a stem mom.

I have an “ex” stepdaughter ( split with her dad 17 years ago. She lived with me and her dad full time , then when we split I still did - and still do - see her regularly . When we were together I had no children and she was very young. I did not get on with her mother at all , it was a very frosty relationship with us.

I now have a stepdaughter - married to her dad - who comes to us some weekends / in holidays etc . Her mum is a lovely woman and I get on well with her.

Both very different situations and in neither of them have I ever been mean to the child ( I have my own children now too and they never get treated differently ) . I have never tried to take over the mum role , now obviously mum is very much present but in the previous situation she wasn’t involved as much, in that situation my stepdaughter asked to call me mum. I would always tell her I loved her very much but I would also always talk about her own mum with love and kindness and never try to get in the way of that relationship. When me and her dad split , I continued to see her and when she was about 14 she came to me in a grown up way and asked to call me mum. At that point I respected her decision and felt she was capable of making it so I said yes but I said if ever she wanted to stop it was fine. She now has a relationship with her mum ( I have actually spoken to her and she has thanked me for everything I did ) but still calls me mum too .

I just wanted to share a perspective as a step parent .

harriethoyle · 21/03/2025 20:28

cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:27

Hun… it’s above the bullet points. Read it all..

Show quote history

Hun. You’re clearly more worried about you, not your child’s happiness and their theoretical stepmum. Grow up.

Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:30

harriethoyle · 21/03/2025 20:28

Hun. You’re clearly more worried about you, not your child’s happiness and their theoretical stepmum. Grow up.

Show quote history

Thanks so much for your kind words. Enjoy your evening. God bless.

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 21/03/2025 20:31

My friend is a step dad and he is wonderful. His step son has a Dad and a Dan - they both mean the world to him. His wife’s ex gets on brilliantly with him and they all co parent together. Dan is not the boys dad and never will be, but he’s still an important, consistent, loving adult in his life.

In the best scenario, your son will just have more love in his life. It won’t be the same love, just different.

itsgettingweird · 21/03/2025 20:31

When my ds dad married his wife (now divorced) I feared she wouldn’t love him like a son and that meant he wouldn’t be as cared for around their house.

as it was she was marvellous and ds was safe and looked after when he visited and when we all lived to separate countries she was the one that instigated all contact with his dad via SM etc and got him gifts and cards sent for birthdays and Xmas.

I never get why woman fear someone else loving their child. It can’t ever be a bad thing surely?

harriethoyle · 21/03/2025 20:32

cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:30

Thanks so much for your kind words. Enjoy your evening. God bless.

Show quote history

I pity anyone who is your child’s stepparent.

Worried861 · 21/03/2025 20:33

I am a Stepmum. I'm definitely not a replacement for DSDs Mum and I don't want to take her away from her Mum.

I would say I'm just an extra adult in her life who loves and cares for her.

Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:33

Traitorrotiart · 21/03/2025 20:27

I am a stem mom.

I have an “ex” stepdaughter ( split with her dad 17 years ago. She lived with me and her dad full time , then when we split I still did - and still do - see her regularly . When we were together I had no children and she was very young. I did not get on with her mother at all , it was a very frosty relationship with us.

I now have a stepdaughter - married to her dad - who comes to us some weekends / in holidays etc . Her mum is a lovely woman and I get on well with her.

Both very different situations and in neither of them have I ever been mean to the child ( I have my own children now too and they never get treated differently ) . I have never tried to take over the mum role , now obviously mum is very much present but in the previous situation she wasn’t involved as much, in that situation my stepdaughter asked to call me mum. I would always tell her I loved her very much but I would also always talk about her own mum with love and kindness and never try to get in the way of that relationship. When me and her dad split , I continued to see her and when she was about 14 she came to me in a grown up way and asked to call me mum. At that point I respected her decision and felt she was capable of making it so I said yes but I said if ever she wanted to stop it was fine. She now has a relationship with her mum ( I have actually spoken to her and she has thanked me for everything I did ) but still calls me mum too .

I just wanted to share a perspective as a step parent .

You sound great :)

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekycee · 21/03/2025 20:34

Tiredalwaystired · 21/03/2025 20:31

My friend is a step dad and he is wonderful. His step son has a Dad and a Dan - they both mean the world to him. His wife’s ex gets on brilliantly with him and they all co parent together. Dan is not the boys dad and never will be, but he’s still an important, consistent, loving adult in his life.

In the best scenario, your son will just have more love in his life. It won’t be the same love, just different.

Now that would be absolutely perfect and lovely in this case. I clearly need to work on my insecurities

OP posts:
Tangerinenets · 21/03/2025 20:34

I’ve been a step mum for over 30 years. My step daughter is 34. I have always been very aware that she has a mum, I’m not her mum but have always let her know she’s loved . The early years were tricky because her mum didn’t like me and was obviously vocal about it in front of her daughter. She’d ask me to plait her hair but made sure to take it out before going home. Sad that a 3 year old knew she’d get in trouble if her mum saw it.