People who has “step mums” - did you see them as equal to your own mum?)if she was present and a good mum)

[cheekycee]

Hi,
so I split from DS father and I am petrified for the day he meets another lady and introduces her to our son. Now I really want him to find a woman he can treat right (hopefully - first time for everything!) & I know how important it is for my son to see healthy relationships. However there is a very selfish and jealous side of me with this and I openly admit it.
my worries are:
what if my son sees her as a mother😢
what if she makes him think he is her son in a way🥺
what if she’s mean to him?!😡
what if she doesn’t like him and takes things out on him!?😟🤬
What if him and her have a mother/son bond😢😢😢

I know I’m being silly but it breaks my heart to think what if someone else takes my son away from me😢😢😢

Despite my sister being the leaver, she was dubious about the step mum for precisely the reasons you've said. And the step mum was dubious of her at first too. Now step mum and dad are married, 5 years post split, sister and step mum communicate well, and sis know how much step mum loves and cares for the girls and how much they love her but she also knows that she's their mum and that's a totally different and stronger love. The kids now have 4 people to love them.

Don't worry. If he picks a good one it will be fine.

Erm, can you imagine anyone every replacing your mum?

No one will ever replace you - you are his mother and always will be. If in the long run your ex meets someone and she hopefully is a decent person, I think it's admirable of both separated parents to ensure it doesn't become a war between the adults in your child's life. You don't have to be best friends with this woman but respectful interactions [works both ways of course] teaches your child a lot but also creates a sense of security and normality in their lives too. Keep being a good mother and don't start feeling jealous of a woman who doesn't even exist yet. Best of luck.

Thank you so much to everyone. Your comments have helped me massively. It’s clear I do have issues of my own I need to work on but as a whole I can’t tell you guys enough how you have settled my mind and provided reassurance. Thank you for that as this is a deeply sensitive situation. I would love to get on with anyone who is around my kids and I do like to think I am the type of person that can, provided they would like to as well as it’s important the kids see healthy relationships not negative ones. I’m the produce of seeing unhealthy relationships and look at my output on things. I don’t want that for my kids. So yes… I would never let my kids know that I feel this way of course as that’s not good parenting! I’ll simply cross the bridge as and when and try my best to create positive and strong relationships thank you

No. I have a step dad who has been that since I was a child and a step mum who became that when I was about 17. I love both and we have a happy family but at no point ever has my step dad replaced my dad in my eyes, or my step mum replaced my mum. I know who my parents are because both of them have always been good parents.

I can understand your fear but be reassured, your ds will know the difference between his mummy (you) and someone his father has taken up with. Biologically there is no connection and as much as others on here will say it doesn't matter, children know. I only had to deal with it in my late teens and I made it very clear to dad's partner that I already had the best mum in the world and no space for another mum figure but we could be friends. Many, many years on and we get on just fine in a friendly way and are at ease with one another. You will want your ds to be cared about by stepmum but fear not, you're not being replaced.

I do just want to say all these comments reassuring you are based on you being a good (or even just normal) mum. We don't know what kind of mum you are - my mother would tell everyone she was a great mum, but she was not.

If you're rubbish and make your kid feel like shit, and the step mother does not, she is in prime position to take the "much needed loving mum" spot in your kids brain.

At the moment everything is weighed towards you. My mum was rubbish but there are still things I'd turn to her with over my stepmum, but that's because my stepmum is emotionally distant - if she wasn't, if she was kind and loving and accepting of me as a kid, it's possible my mother would have been toast.

I understand your point but at absolutely no point of my kids life would I do that. I lift them up daily and fill them with love and confidence. We all have a great loving bond. It’s just I do always worry about if I can do more. I’m told frequently I’m a good mother but then you wonder are people just saying it to be nice. Only your kids could tell you if you’re a good mother. My 4YO DD tells me often in the best mummy in the world but that depends on if I say yes to a packet of crisp or not🤣🩷🩷

I'd agree with this.

I am a stepmum to two children, who I met when they were 6 and 2.5 respectively. I have been in their lives nearly 10 years now and I absolutely do not feel or act like a mother to them, very much more like an aunt.

I really wouldn't worry too much about someone trying to "take your son away", as much as I am fond of my SCs I am very happy with the way things are and would never look for more from them. My relationship is primarily with their dad.

I’m a step mum. I could never replace dss’s mum and not would I want to. I see myself as an extra loving bonus adult in their lives. Don’t be like their mother though and be so unable to live with any step mum they might haves existence and start disparaging the step mum to them and going into crying rages if they so much as say they have had a good time when on their weekends with their other family. It ridiculous and it makes for some very messed up kids.