To ask how to teach boys how to respect women?

[cadburyegg]

There are lots of messages in the media atm and for good reason.

Educate your sons.
Teach boys to respect women. To accept rejection. To value women’s opinions.
Lift boys up in healthy ways.
Help your boys do better.

i 100% agree with this. I have 2 boys and I am just not sure how I can do my part. How do we change the narrative? What do I tell them? How do I tell them? I guess I’m looking for practical, real life advice.

Model the behaviour.

If you have a partner/their dad make sure they are treating you with respect and as an equal partner.

It might be a bit outdated now but I really liked the book Raising Boys when my son was young.

This is my main hope as my teenager boys are surrounded by toxic masculinity.
DH is annoying in lots of ways but very respectful of me, my successes and respectful of women in general.
I despair sometimes with the stuff my boys say but I am hoping they will grow out of this phase and be decent people.
We chat and "debate" a lot about things so they are not holed up in their rooms just on Tiktok.

I think a lot of it has to come from them seeing other men doing this.

I'm going to add to my reply. I have to think am I respectful to women and myself too. Do I say stuff like dismiss someone as a Karen, or talk about women's clothes disparagingly, or call people shrill, hysterical, bossy etc.

Women are going to have to double down on self-respect. This needs modelling first and foremost.

We have conversations about consent with our 13yr old boy, not sexual consent (yet) but stuff like ‘if your sister is saying ‘stop’ then you listen and stop immediately’. We’ve talked about how women were treated in the past and to an extent still are and the battles we went through for equal rights. I talk about how I feel as a woman walking home alone in the dark (this shocked him), since then he’s offered to walk with me if it’s dark and I’m heading out. Try and make sure we don’t create boy / girl roles, eg when dividing up household tasks.

Model the behaviour ensure there's an equal balance for domestic chores and child rearing in the home. Allow them to have hobbies/interests of all nature even if you think they're more 'feminine'. Don't label jobs for men/women same ways colours etc

^ I agree with all the above suggestions about raising boys. However, the constant demonising of boys and young men also needs to stop.

Can you clarify what you mean? The only demonising I see is of their bad behaviour/conduct.

My boys saw dh do everything that I do to run a house.
I worked shifts so they saw their dad, shop, cook tea, do homework with them, wash clothes etc.
They saw their dad treat me kindly. He looked after me when I was ill or tired. All this became normal to them
Everyone's opinions was asked for and valued.

I think one of the most important things a male role model can do for a boy is show up ( for girls too but we are specifically talking about lads), let them know they are valued BUT not entitled.
Any sense of entitlement from my lads ( well one of them in particular) was quashed immediately.
They are in their mid 20s now and they have turned out really well. I love seing their dads behaviour in them when they are with their girlfriends.

So in short I think actions speak louder than words and if there is a positive and strong g male role model, the better.

As a side note, I think it is hugely important for a teen, particularly males to have a hobby/ interest/ sport that they are passionate about, whether it's football, boxing, cadets whatever. It gives them a focus and and outlet and also to be around like minded peers. You will know where they are and they are in a safe environment.

Check that your expectations are high enough. Compare to what is expected of the best behaved children.

i was at a school concert last week - little girls shushed when they talked or wriggled noisily. Little boy next to them wasn’t hushed until he was making a lot of noise, moving between seats and repeatedly bashing people’s knees.

Treat them well and others, especially their father. DF should be supportive but equally not a pushover. Speak positively and kindly of others.

Do not allow yourself to be disrespected - not by your husband/partner or your own children (girls as well as boys). They need to see that this type of behaviour will be called out and not overlooked.

Be honest - how many times as women do we gloss over disrespectful behaviour in the name of "keeping the peace" or because we don't want to make a fuss/cause a scene? Be more mindful and stop tolerating it.

It’s about modelling good behaviour .

For me though it is fundamentally about treating all people equally - no discrimination negative or positive - naive perhaps .

I think there is a problem with some young men being made to feel that they are less valuable and that is part of the problem . Fully expect people not to agree with me

DH grew up with a working mum, he saw his dad do housework, cooking, shopping, laundry etc. DH in turn now does an equal part of domestic life (he actually does all the cooking). My career is equally important as DH’s and he’ll do his bit in terms of taking days off with sick DC. I hope DS grows up with DH’s and FIL’s respect for women.

@mysecretshame
I despair sometimes with the stuff my boys say but I am hoping they will grow out of this phase and be decent people.
What kind of things are they saying?
I remember challenging my son on something unsavoury he said. He didn't realise it was offensive and it was ,to him, just a common term that was used.

Number one: make absent fathers pay. State as a society that the role of father is a serious one, one to not be undertaken merely biologically.

I think condom sales would go through the roof; but those who were prepared to actually parent might step up and model better male behaviour to their sons, and higher expectations in their daughters.

Two; ban smartphones for under 16s.

Everything that everyone else has said here,but I would add - avoid smartphones and social media for as long as you possibly can. Get them involved in household chores (no little princes who don’t lift a finger!). Talk to them about what they see in school. Listen to them and genuinely try to understand their experiences. Find them positive outlets that are also likely to provide additional male role models - sports, hobbies/clubs.

Thank you for the comments so far. I’m a single parent (split up with their dad cos he was pretty useless). My dad died a few years ago and ex fil is mostly infirm. I think the only excellent male role model in my family is my uncle!

Spend time with your sons and daughters.
Teach them all to cook, but make it fun. Share the effort of creating a meal. Praise their cooking efforts regardless of what they taste like.
Teach them all to use the washing machine & dishwasher
Require them all to change their own beds.

I made sure my ds saw me checking tyre pressures, tread depths and oil levels. I taught him how. Get your young sons to help you mend a bike puncture.

Treat them as an equal wherever possible
Listen to their opinions

Insisting on respectful words around women

My son is very respectful of women which is in park down to good male role models from my husband and my dad. He is in his early 20’s now and looking back one of the best things I did for him was that he came to work with me when I didn’t have childcare. I worked in a care home at the time and it would only be for an hour or so occasionally but he would help the kitchen staff by giving out sweet and biscuits to the residents and having them fuss over him. He really respected that I worked in a job helping people and saw me not just as a mum if that makes sense? He would often pop in as a teenager for the parties and chat to everyone or do his home work in my office. When we were snowed in and I had to sleep there for a few days he walked in the snow to get snacks for all the staff and residents off his own back. he values my time and what I do i suppose, I’m not just there to cook/clean be a martyr for him.

I 100% agree with this. This might not be a great example but I remember watching Barbie with my son and daughter- after I had to have a conversation with my son to make sure he knew as a male he was equally valuable in society.

We often use film to talk about issues and I call my husband and both children if they speak to me without respect.

I was chatting to a guy who told me when was growing up, his Dad would often encourage him to think about how the other person might be feeling (bullying, arguments etc). I think this kind of guidance and teaching of empathy skills could go a long way (it certainly did for this guy). Men are all different and great at all different things, but emotional and cognitive empathy skills can be less and need building.