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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exclude one from sleepover?

84 replies

dontyousay · 20/03/2025 22:20

Y6 dd, we’ve had a group of her friends round for sleepovers a few times over the last year.

One of the friends (A) always gets upset/scared and needs extra support, then eventually has always needed to be taken home at some point. (Mum doesn’t drive and has another child so once it’s dark I wouldn’t feel comfortable making them all walk)

I’ve tried on the last couple of sleepovers to suggest A just comes for dinner and then goes home as she clearly doesn’t like sleepovers but mum insists A really wants to come and would be really upset if she was excluded when the rest of the friend group is there. Insists she’s working on it and that A will get better at it the more we have her.

Dd has said that it is a bit annoying and ruins the sleepover but that their best friends so she has to invite her. The whole appeal of letting dd have sleepovers really is that they entertain themselves and also that they have fun( which is limited if one child is always upset) We have other dc to look after as well and having to comfort someone else’s and take them home isn’t convenient.

Have said dd can have friends round over Easter.
WIBU to firmly say that A is welcome in the afternoon/evening but not for the sleepover?

OP posts:
Yerblues · 20/03/2025 22:24

Isn’t that is what is happening anyway? She gets worried and so you take her home. They don’t drive so you would have to do it whatever the time. Poor kid. She obviously wants to join in but is struggling.

Onlyvisiting · 20/03/2025 22:28

Can you say to her mother you are willing to let her try but only if her mum makes arrangements to be able to collect her if necessary?
Or even plan it, say after film and snacks or whatever that she gets picked up at a set time like 10 or 11 (or whatever time is when they normally go to bed on a sleepover). Shed probably enjoy the evening a lot more if she knew she had a definite end time.
It's not reasonable for you to be doing all the running around with her.

Original poster
dontyousay · 20/03/2025 22:29

so far we have ended up taking her home between 9pm and 2am.
was wanting to arrange time for her to go home before dark and younger kids are in bed Would still be happy to drop her home but mum could walk and collect as well

OP posts:
MoonWoman69 · 20/03/2025 22:32

I'd third what @Yerblues and @Onlyvisiting have both said.
It's not on to expect you to have to take her home. The mum needs to make other arrangements if her daughter is struggling to stay over. It must be horrible for her feeling homesick and having to leave her friends. Poor kid.
It probably will become easier as she gets more confidence and a bit older, but it's still unfair for you to have to trail out to take her back home.

Original poster
dontyousay · 20/03/2025 22:33

Onlyvisiting · 20/03/2025 22:28

Can you say to her mother you are willing to let her try but only if her mum makes arrangements to be able to collect her if necessary?
Or even plan it, say after film and snacks or whatever that she gets picked up at a set time like 10 or 11 (or whatever time is when they normally go to bed on a sleepover). Shed probably enjoy the evening a lot more if she knew she had a definite end time.
It's not reasonable for you to be doing all the running around with her.

She has always offered to come and collect but when it’s midnight and she has a younger child at home in bed, we wouldn’t feel comfortable making her wake them up and walk here in the dark.

that is what I suggested and thought A would prefer that but apparently not, she wants to (at least at the beginning) stay for the sleepover

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 20/03/2025 22:37

Is her mum home alone with the kids or does she have a partner who could stay with the kids while she goes to get her DD?

Tbh I wouldn't exclude her, she obviously wants to be part of things but just finds it hard being away at sleep time. I personally would still bring her and when you pick her up I'd take her to one side and say you want her to know that if at any point she'd like to go home she can let you know and you'll bring her home straight away. Sometimes knowing they have that option from the get go takes away the pressure of having to stay all night and actually makes it feel safer. Refusing to let her stay would actually put her under a lot of pressure if she ever was going to stay in the future and might make it very hard for her to come to you if she needs help while she's at your house.

I personally think it's just par for the course with sleepovers- this one could be the one she stays through and one of the others could feel sick or have a bad dream at 1am. I wouldn't be making the other mum walk if I could run them home in the car. I would be planning it accepting that I may have to do a run at some point.

TheaBrandt1 · 20/03/2025 22:41

I think saying that A clearly doesn’t like sleepovers so you are not inviting her is perfectly reasonable. You’ve tried to include her and it hasn’t worked out. She can go along to other things that she does enjoy.

Sorry but after a long day and with other kids I would struggle to deal with someone else’s child kicking off when this is a known issue.

Original poster
dontyousay · 20/03/2025 22:51

Even if mum comes and collects or finds someone else too it’s still inconvenient when it’s an unknown time in the night. We will have to be up comforting her anyway and answer the door to talk to whoever’s collecting ect

OP posts:
MissRoseDurward · 20/03/2025 22:55

so far we have ended up taking her home between 9pm and 2am.
was wanting to arrange time for her to go home before dark and younger kids are in bed

I don't think it's unreasonable to say you'll drop her home before bedtime. She can choose to come or not come on that basis.

As things are, she's inconveniencing you and her mother and spoiling the event for the other girls.

I think her mother is taking the piss a bit, wanting her to come knowing you might have to come out to bring her home in the early hours. She should have stopped it after the first time.

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 20/03/2025 22:56

Tell her dm she can come when she has been to therapy. Yewr 6? Hell's bells....
Or she can host the sleepovers...

NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 22:56

I think I’d just pack in the group sleepovers for now. Have a few over for pizza/movie/whatever, but they all go home at 9. Or have just one over to stay.

Bushmillsbabe · 20/03/2025 22:56

Does A's mum host sleepovers? A, may feel more confident having friends sleep as hers than sleeping at friends, at least initially.

If at yours, I would have a specific time A's mum is scheduled to collect her, so it's clear.

Yerblues · 20/03/2025 22:56

NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 22:56

I think I’d just pack in the group sleepovers for now. Have a few over for pizza/movie/whatever, but they all go home at 9. Or have just one over to stay.

This.

Gogogo12345 · 20/03/2025 22:59

NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 22:56

I think I’d just pack in the group sleepovers for now. Have a few over for pizza/movie/whatever, but they all go home at 9. Or have just one over to stay.

Why should the other kids miss out because one can't hack it?

MidnightMillie · 20/03/2025 23:01

dontyousay · 20/03/2025 22:51

Even if mum comes and collects or finds someone else too it’s still inconvenient when it’s an unknown time in the night. We will have to be up comforting her anyway and answer the door to talk to whoever’s collecting ect

Yes but if you make the mum take responsibility for her own child, perhaps she'll stop insisting her child should stay at yours.

Once it starts to inconvenience her, she'll probably do the sensible thing and tell her DD she's not ready for sleepovers just yet.

MidnightMillie · 20/03/2025 23:02

NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 22:56

I think I’d just pack in the group sleepovers for now. Have a few over for pizza/movie/whatever, but they all go home at 9. Or have just one over to stay.

Why?

There's only one child who has a problem with sleeping over, so it's for that child's mother to sort.

It's not for the OP to ban sleepovers.

minipie · 20/03/2025 23:07

Have you tried having a sleepover with just A - especially as she is your child’s best friend?

That might be less overwhelming for A and a good warm up for larger sleepovers.

You don’t have to of course but would be nice and might solve your issue.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/03/2025 23:08

When was the last sleepover? If it wasn't recent, I'd be willing to try it one more time but if it was unsuccessful again then I'd be firm and insist she must be picked up at 9 or whatever time you think is suitable.

Original poster
dontyousay · 20/03/2025 23:13

NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 22:56

I think I’d just pack in the group sleepovers for now. Have a few over for pizza/movie/whatever, but they all go home at 9. Or have just one over to stay.

I won’t be doing that, why should dd be punished/?
She likes having friends round and all other friends we’ve ever had have been fine.

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 23:29

dontyousay · 20/03/2025 23:13

I won’t be doing that, why should dd be punished/?
She likes having friends round and all other friends we’ve ever had have been fine.

Show quote history

It’s not a punishment, just an alternative get together, given that she has said she wants to continue to invite the friend, and you clearly would prefer not to.

Tropicalturnip · 20/03/2025 23:30

Personally, I'd probably still go ahead but the other mum needs to collect her if she doesn't stay - even if it means in the dark with other child. If she's offering then take her up on it. I do think it could be a little bit mean to exclude especially if the mum says they are working on it.

Is the upset getting any better at least with each sleepover, or is she just as upset each time? If she's not actually coping any better with each one then that might change things and I'd just go with leaving before bedtime until she's a bit older.

Yerblues · 20/03/2025 23:31

NancyJoan · 20/03/2025 23:29

It’s not a punishment, just an alternative get together, given that she has said she wants to continue to invite the friend, and you clearly would prefer not to.

Show quote history

Yes. OP seems to be getting some pleasure out of excluding this child.

Blueblell · 20/03/2025 23:35

I would invite her and say that she needs to make a decision about whether she feels happy to stay the whole night by a certain time. 9.30/10 pm She may be different this time if some time has passed since the last sleepover. But I think you would be reasonable in saying you don’t want any dramas after a certain time, one that is not too late for mum to collect her.

Purplebunnie · 20/03/2025 23:36

Have you tried a sleepover that is just A coming and no other friends? Would this be less stressful for A? Then you could progress to more friends - just a thought

BlondiePortz · 20/03/2025 23:36

I would offer if you can to take her at a time appropriate to you, otherwise say you have tried it hasn't worked and she either stays the whole night or not at all

There is so much endless understanding people can do the tap has to be turned off at some point and yes I would say this about my own child if it was needed

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