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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To exclude one from sleepover?

84 replies

dontyousay · 20/03/2025 22:20

Y6 dd, we’ve had a group of her friends round for sleepovers a few times over the last year.

One of the friends (A) always gets upset/scared and needs extra support, then eventually has always needed to be taken home at some point. (Mum doesn’t drive and has another child so once it’s dark I wouldn’t feel comfortable making them all walk)

I’ve tried on the last couple of sleepovers to suggest A just comes for dinner and then goes home as she clearly doesn’t like sleepovers but mum insists A really wants to come and would be really upset if she was excluded when the rest of the friend group is there. Insists she’s working on it and that A will get better at it the more we have her.

Dd has said that it is a bit annoying and ruins the sleepover but that their best friends so she has to invite her. The whole appeal of letting dd have sleepovers really is that they entertain themselves and also that they have fun( which is limited if one child is always upset) We have other dc to look after as well and having to comfort someone else’s and take them home isn’t convenient.

Have said dd can have friends round over Easter.
WIBU to firmly say that A is welcome in the afternoon/evening but not for the sleepover?

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 21/03/2025 08:05

Yerblues · 20/03/2025 23:31

Yes. OP seems to be getting some pleasure out of excluding this child.

Show quote history

What? How the hell do you reach that conclusion? The OP has gone out of her way to include this child? Driving her home in the middle of the night!?
I’d go with - she is welcome to stay til a reasonable time, maybe 10 or 11 but then you will be bringing her home. You are not prepared to be up in the middle of the night and it is unfair on all the others in the house. Her mother is being extremely selfish.

Jellyslothbridge · 21/03/2025 08:33

Suggest her Mum hosts, a sleepover if she hasn't already.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 21/03/2025 08:33

Is there a reason she gets scared? Is she OK until its time to go to sleep? Could you speak to the mother and see if there is anything that would make her more settled.

You could make it into a thing where you are going to get up and go get breakfast, or make a special breakfast, or take them into town for an hour. Give her an incentive to stay maybe?

You could invite her and say to her at around 9 maybe, would you like to stay for the rest of the evening, or I can take you home now?

Gogogo12345 · 21/03/2025 08:50

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 21/03/2025 08:33

Is there a reason she gets scared? Is she OK until its time to go to sleep? Could you speak to the mother and see if there is anything that would make her more settled.

You could make it into a thing where you are going to get up and go get breakfast, or make a special breakfast, or take them into town for an hour. Give her an incentive to stay maybe?

You could invite her and say to her at around 9 maybe, would you like to stay for the rest of the evening, or I can take you home now?

Trouble is the kid might want to stay at 9 pm when asked yet at 11.30 crying to go home

MinnieGirl · 21/03/2025 11:01

Do you know why she gets scared? My daughter used to be like this, she just liked to be with mum and dad! It does sound like she wants to come but struggles once she’s there. I think it’s really awkward because she’s needing to go home in the early hours. I would also have a chat with your daughter. Could they do something together just the two of them rather than a sleepover? It is hard.

sesquipedalian · 21/03/2025 11:08

“mum insists A really wants to come and would be really upset if she was excluded”

But if you are including her for dinner and fun before bedtime, then she’s not being excluded. My DD went through a phase of doing this - I’d have been overjoyed if another mother had suggested it! YANBU, OP, the unreasonable person here is the girl’s DM who for whatever reason is trying to guilt you into having her child.

Glittertwins · 21/03/2025 11:11

CheesePlantBoxes · 21/03/2025 07:29

Exactly this. You will only need to do it once. She's making you the bad guy and at her leisure and your great inconvenience.

No doubt if you actually call her tomfetch her she will give some crap about how it's only a few more hours til morning and when that doesn't work will indicate that she will leave toddler at home in warm bed to guilt you. All of these are her decisions.

But no, I wouldn't make myself the bad guy banning friend, I'd make mum follow through and collect.

Show quote history

Definitely this. Why should you also lose a nights sleep wondering when you’re going to get woken up as well.

PurpleThistle7 · 21/03/2025 11:18

My daughter has a friend who can’t manage sleepovers. She has a sleepover party for her birthday each year and this girl goes home around 11 or so - her mum picks her up. I insisted on her having a plan after the first year when the girl panicked and her mum was out for the night and had to get a taxi and it
was a whole endless thing.

Can you try 1:1 first?

DaisyChain505 · 21/03/2025 11:18

I would be inviting A for afternoon play and then pizza and a movie and asking mum to collect her for 8/9pm.

If A or her mum ask why she isn’t invited to sleep over you simply say that due to previous track record it’s best to leave it a little longer until A is ready to actually stay the whole night.

Original poster

dontyousay · 21/03/2025 11:20

Yerblues · 20/03/2025 23:31

Yes. OP seems to be getting some pleasure out of excluding this child.

Show quote history

That’s not true. She’s a lovely girl and more than welcome in the day time, wr have tried to include her multiple times for sleepovers but it never works.
I don’t get pleasure out of her being upset and having to comfort and drive her home either though, neither do the other girls who want to have a fun sleepover.

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 21/03/2025 11:26

Moonnstars · 21/03/2025 07:50

It sounds like they have tried, several times. It is becoming unreasonable as the host doesn't know if and when they are going to need to take the child home and this is then disruptive to the other children (and themselves if they have to do this in the middle of the night once they have assumed everyone is asleep and gone to bed themselves).

Show quote history

So is that much of an issue if she needs a lift home?

Well yes!! If OP and her DH have been working all week, then have to drop an upset girl back home at 2am, I’d say it was a massive issue. I would be so embarrassed if my child disrupted another couples weekend like this.

Hydrangeadangerranger · 21/03/2025 11:26

I think invite her but explain to mum you can’t drop her home. First sign of upset, bright and breezy call mum. No need to spend time comforting etc. and yes, def make mum come out!

Pigsears · 21/03/2025 11:28

Blueblell · 20/03/2025 23:35

I would invite her and say that she needs to make a decision about whether she feels happy to stay the whole night by a certain time. 9.30/10 pm She may be different this time if some time has passed since the last sleepover. But I think you would be reasonable in saying you don’t want any dramas after a certain time, one that is not too late for mum to collect her.

This 👆 Very sensible and measured approach.

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 21/03/2025 11:30

I think it would be unkind to exclude her completely but tell the mother that it is too disruptive to continue the way that it is and set a time either for the child to be collected or you take her home. DD1 has a friend who doesn’t like staying over and usually just goes home about 10.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/03/2025 11:32

I’d send:

Hi Clare, just to let you know that Emily is having a sleepover tomorrow night. Sophie is welcome of course, but I’m worried she’ll be unsettled. Neither Mike or I can drop her back if she gets upset in the night this time - we have a lot going on at the moment, what with one thing or another. I’m happy to drop her back to you at 8.30pm or you can collect her if you can at the same sort of time? Or she can sit this one out? Emily hasn’t mentioned it to her yet. Let me know what you think is the best option. Susie xxx

Annascaul · 21/03/2025 11:38

Lavender14 · 20/03/2025 22:37

Is her mum home alone with the kids or does she have a partner who could stay with the kids while she goes to get her DD?

Tbh I wouldn't exclude her, she obviously wants to be part of things but just finds it hard being away at sleep time. I personally would still bring her and when you pick her up I'd take her to one side and say you want her to know that if at any point she'd like to go home she can let you know and you'll bring her home straight away. Sometimes knowing they have that option from the get go takes away the pressure of having to stay all night and actually makes it feel safer. Refusing to let her stay would actually put her under a lot of pressure if she ever was going to stay in the future and might make it very hard for her to come to you if she needs help while she's at your house.

I personally think it's just par for the course with sleepovers- this one could be the one she stays through and one of the others could feel sick or have a bad dream at 1am. I wouldn't be making the other mum walk if I could run them home in the car. I would be planning it accepting that I may have to do a run at some point.

say you want her to know that if at any point she'd like to go home she can let you know and you'll bring her home straight away
But op doesn’t want to sign up for a possible/probable 3 or 4am car journey, though?
This is not unreasonable in the slightest.

Original poster

dontyousay · 21/03/2025 19:34

arcticpandas · 21/03/2025 07:35

Put on your big girl pants @dontyousay and tell the mother that you are inviting "Anna" to play and dinner but her mum needs to pick her up at × (when it's convenient for you). This is an invitation so she can accept or decline but she doesn't get to modify the invitation. Not your job to work on Anna's coping skills on sleepovers. Tell the mum you're willing to try again in a year's time to see if Anna has matured but for now it's no. You are not excluding her, she's still invited to the part that she's comfortable with. Her mum is a CF and you need to put down some boundaries.

yes, this I what I need to do. Dd has confirmed that she’s happy with this.

OP posts:

Chattie89 · 21/03/2025 21:02

Friend's mum needs to stop pushing her daughter into this and needs to be having a chat with her DD instead about what she's so anxious about.

Weirdly my sister went through the exact same thing at a similar age, turned out she was incredibly anxious at the thought of starting her periods and what she'd do if it happened in the middle of the night at someone else's house. My mum just said OK no more sleepovers for the time being. She suddenly grew out of it very quickly, did loads of sleepovers during secondary school and at 18 charged off on a gap year by herself.

Poor friend probably feels super self conscious about this anyway, the best thing her mum could do is say she'd love to come for the day/evening but we have plans the next day and have to be out early, so I'll be collecting her at 8pm. That's what my mum did. Totally removed the pressure of the decision from my sister.

Fargo79 · 21/03/2025 21:12

A few times a year? I'd just include her and take her home if needed.

Just put yourself in this girl's shoes. She's desperate to be involved with what her friends are doing, she just isn't quite as independent as they are yet. I'm sure she'll get there. You have an opportunity to put yourself out a few times a year and be an adult who was kind to her when she needed it, or to make her feel even worse and more embarrassed and excluded than she no doubt already does. I know which I'd choose.

TheaBrandt1 · 21/03/2025 23:35

Easy to type that when you’re not the one driving someone else’s kid home at 2am after a big week at work. God I hate these virtue signallers!

Foostit · 22/03/2025 00:05

Year 6 and she hasn’t grown out of crying to be taken home in the middle of the night at sleepovers?
I’m assuming there’s no SEN? What exactly does ‘working on it’ mean? The parents should be making it clear to the child that the deal is she stays all night unless there’s an emergency. If my DC had tried that bollocks then they would not have been going to any more sleepovers. I can’t stand this weak overindulgent parenting!

Annascaul · 22/03/2025 00:10

Foostit · 22/03/2025 00:05

Indeed. “ Working on it” which involves other people ferrying her kid around at random hours of the night is something I wouldn’t be indulging.

DrummingMousWife · 22/03/2025 00:13

I would honestly set a time limit - say 10pm and ask the girl if she wants to go or stay, but this is her last chance to go. After that, she will have to manage.
it’s not acceptable to be taking a child home at 2am, especially when she would only have to wait a few hours until everyone was up again. I think boundaries are needed here.

edited to say , inform the child’s mother this is the score. She can pick up at 10am or the child stays the night.

Sporadica · 22/03/2025 00:19

What happens if, when she gets upset and asks to go home*, you say "it's the middle of the night and everyone's in bed; get some sleep and I'll take you after breakfast if you still want to go"? Of course, you'd need her parents to present a united front in case she calls them directly and asks to be picked up; I'd consider getting everyone (both daughters, both sets of parents) to agree up front that she leaves at (let's say) 9 or stays til morning. This can't be pleasant for the anxious friend either; she must know she's disrupting both families and the other guests.

*(provided she's not ill or in danger, which would be a different situation).

Gogogo12345 · 22/03/2025 10:37

Foostit · 22/03/2025 00:05

Well yes if one of mine had to be collected due to " not coping" with a sleepover I'd have collected them but never let them go again. Fortunately they never had such issues as went brownie camps at 8 v, doit4real weeks away from 10. Trips with school and cadets as well as friends sleepovers

So by " not coping" they would've had a very restricted life

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