To exclude one from sleepover?

[dontyousay]

Y6 dd, we’ve had a group of her friends round for sleepovers a few times over the last year.

One of the friends (A) always gets upset/scared and needs extra support, then eventually has always needed to be taken home at some point. (Mum doesn’t drive and has another child so once it’s dark I wouldn’t feel comfortable making them all walk)

I’ve tried on the last couple of sleepovers to suggest A just comes for dinner and then goes home as she clearly doesn’t like sleepovers but mum insists A really wants to come and would be really upset if she was excluded when the rest of the friend group is there. Insists she’s working on it and that A will get better at it the more we have her.

Dd has said that it is a bit annoying and ruins the sleepover but that their best friends so she has to invite her. The whole appeal of letting dd have sleepovers really is that they entertain themselves and also that they have fun( which is limited if one child is always upset) We have other dc to look after as well and having to comfort someone else’s and take them home isn’t convenient.

Have said dd can have friends round over Easter.
WIBU to firmly say that A is welcome in the afternoon/evening but not for the sleepover?

Personally, I'd probably still go ahead but the other mum needs to collect her if she doesn't stay - even if it means in the dark with other child.

But even if other mum will collect, OP can't relax and enjoy her evening or go to bed when she wants to in case this girl gets upset.

Does she go on sleepovers at grandma's/auntie's or go on school residentials? You could say she could come again shen she's successfully stayed away from home somewhere else.

Perfectly reasonable. Just tell the Mum what time you want her collected. Eg 7pm.

I’d say if it happens again the mom has to get her and uber or whatever transportation home and I wouldn’t do it anymore. Enough is enough. That’s ridiculous

I wouldn’t try it again sounds like there’s been a fuss more than once already.

The mum is really out of line here. It’s one thing if this happens unexpectedly but when it’s a pattern of behaviour it’s unfair lumping that on another parent. A decent parent would be mortified and would go and pick their kid up not pester and emotionally blackmail the op to recreate the problem over and over again.

Quite old for this I would be concerned if I was her mum. There are usually several year 6 and 7 residentials

I would talk to the mum. I would explain that you are happy to try again with the sleepover situation but you cannot take her home in the night and she needs to perhaps talk to her daughter about checking the time and deciding how she feels. Have a cut off point for example 9pm. If she thinks at this point she will not cope with the night, her mum needs to get her.
My children went to Beavers and they did this, anyone saying they felt homesick, poorly whatever it was they would keep til around 8pm then call home to tell you they aren't settling for whatever reason and you had to collect them as they didn't want any disruption in the night (from sad children to waking parents).

One solution would be for A’s mum to host the sleepovers.

Another would be to tell her mum that you aren’t going to take her home. I know that you will still be inconvenienced but I think if she has to do that she will make the decision that her daughter isn’t ready for sleep overs yet herself.

If you exclude her, you will inevitably look the bad guy regardless of how upset she gets and how inconvenient it is to you. It might also have a knock on effect on the friendship generally

Honestly? I’d just let her try. Poor kid, some people just struggle with sleepovers more than others. I was one of those kids and if I’d been excluded from a group sleepover that would have been very hurtful.
Why not go on the assumption she has been working on it and wants to manage to stay. And support her accordingly? Are you really going to be having an early night whilst they’re all awake anyway? No. So is it really that much of an issue if she needs a lift home? No.
However I would have a low tolerance for it in that if she begins to get upset she just goes home- or a yellow card type thing. One reassurance thing only but then just right home or collected at 10 or whatever. Don’t let her spend the evening back and forth or building it all up.
Shes only young and positive support could help her manage this and be so chuffed with herself. In saying that, 3/4 of mine haven’t been able to do sleepovers easily and yet one moved out age 18 and the other age 19 and function just fine as independent adults. Despite “missing” residentials etc.

YANBU. It's not your responsibility to get someone else's child used to sleepovers. It's not fair for you to be expected to take her home in the middle of the night. It would be different if it was a one-off and not known in advance, but the expectation of this happening continually isn't on.

Either be firm in collecting at X time or agree a send home/pick up time for now and if all is going well then she can stay. So has a set exit time but can stay on if she really wants to/you think she will make the distance.

Why should they all be punished for the sake of one? That's very unfair.

I couldn't be bothered with that, harsh as it may sound it's not your job to support someone else's child.

Tell her she can come but she needs to be collected at X time. If the parent says "let her try" just say no, that doesn't work for me.

Where did you get that ridiculous conclusion from?
The child clearly has issues. The DD still wants to include her, which is lovely. However, her bahaviour eventually becomes a challeengexall round because the OP doesn't know what time a meltdown will occur (9pm, 2am, etc), and then someone has to take it home, or organise collection.

If you exclude her, you will inevitably look the bad guy regardless of how upset she gets and how inconvenient it is to you. It might also have a knock on effect on the friendship generally

What about the other girls whose evenings are being spoiled by this one girl? They might start deciding they don't want to come if she is going to be there. It's not all about what A wants - there are other people to be considered.

I think it sounds sensible that for this occasion A goes home at an arranged time. This has the benefit of you being able to plan your evening, your dd having the rest of the night with no-one being upset, and will also let A experience going home at a set time with no sleepover pressure. It may make her realise that this is what she prefers, or conversely make her determined that on the next sleepover she will be ready to stay!

Exactly this. You will only need to do it once. She's making you the bad guy and at her leisure and your great inconvenience.

No doubt if you actually call her tomfetch her she will give some crap about how it's only a few more hours til morning and when that doesn't work will indicate that she will leave toddler at home in warm bed to guilt you. All of these are her decisions.

But no, I wouldn't make myself the bad guy banning friend, I'd make mum follow through and collect.

I would exclude her and be firm about it. She can’t ruin another sleepover when it’s for your kids birthday

I’d just invite her over for the day and take her back around 6/7pm.
if mum moans just say you can’t be dropping her off at 2am again as it’s disturbs all the kids including your dd siblings. So best to drop her off so everyone gets a good sleep and say you’ll try a sleepover again in the summer.

Why should op facilitate a child ruining her daughter’s sleepover for the nth time? She clearly has issues about sleepovers so she’s not invited to stay over. Simple really

It didn’t appear to me like that at all.

Put on your big girl pants @dontyousay and tell the mother that you are inviting "Anna" to play and dinner but her mum needs to pick her up at × (when it's convenient for you). This is an invitation so she can accept or decline but she doesn't get to modify the invitation. Not your job to work on Anna's coping skills on sleepovers. Tell the mum you're willing to try again in a year's time to see if Anna has matured but for now it's no. You are not excluding her, she's still invited to the part that she's comfortable with. Her mum is a CF and you need to put down some boundaries.

It would be hard to exclude one but I wouldn't spend a long time comforting her. At the first sign of upset bundle her home and let the others get on.

Why? All the other girls clearly enjoy it. Why should they all be miss out because one child can’t cope away from home?

She clearly isn’t up to sleepovers and is ruining them for everyone else. If the mum wants her to get used to being away from home then maybe some sleepovers at a grandparent will do it.

It’s certainly not the OP’s responsibility, and neither does the OP’s DD or the other DC deserve to have their fun spoiled.

So would l. Sleepovers are stressful enough!

It sounds like they have tried, several times. It is becoming unreasonable as the host doesn't know if and when they are going to need to take the child home and this is then disruptive to the other children (and themselves if they have to do this in the middle of the night once they have assumed everyone is asleep and gone to bed themselves).