To exclude one from sleepover?

[dontyousay]

Y6 dd, we’ve had a group of her friends round for sleepovers a few times over the last year.

One of the friends (A) always gets upset/scared and needs extra support, then eventually has always needed to be taken home at some point. (Mum doesn’t drive and has another child so once it’s dark I wouldn’t feel comfortable making them all walk)

I’ve tried on the last couple of sleepovers to suggest A just comes for dinner and then goes home as she clearly doesn’t like sleepovers but mum insists A really wants to come and would be really upset if she was excluded when the rest of the friend group is there. Insists she’s working on it and that A will get better at it the more we have her.

Dd has said that it is a bit annoying and ruins the sleepover but that their best friends so she has to invite her. The whole appeal of letting dd have sleepovers really is that they entertain themselves and also that they have fun( which is limited if one child is always upset) We have other dc to look after as well and having to comfort someone else’s and take them home isn’t convenient.

Have said dd can have friends round over Easter.
WIBU to firmly say that A is welcome in the afternoon/evening but not for the sleepover?

The mum should not be expecting you to manage this. She should be saying to her dd that she has to come home before bedtime and she needs to arrange that transport. I wouldn’t allow my dd to be inconveniencing other people like this.

How sad for the poor girl. I think you are being a little harsh. I would probably do as someone else says - give a latest time you can drop her back (or mum collects her ideally - not your problem if she has to get the other kid up). After that she stays until morning. Hopefully the girls as her friends are quite supportive and kind and help get her through her wobbles.

No I couldn’t be dealing with that I’m afraid. I’d say she is more than welcome to come but needs to be collected at 9pm.

Hopefully the girls as her friends are quite supportive and kind and help get her through her wobbles.

They shouldn't have to. They are ten years old. They are there to have a fun time and then go to sleep, not deal (yet again) with a wobbling friend who is keeping them awake. It's not their responsibility.

No good saying she has to stay until morning if she's then going to keep everyone up because she won't settle down and at least try to sleep - which it seems is what has happened in the past.

Maybe if you actually let them all walk in the dark it would actually help the girl realise how selfish she is being.

If she doesn't like walking home in the dark she'll feel safer just staying at yours.

I would make sure that your car conveniently has something wrong with it that night

It really isn't your job to facilitate this "working on it" stuff. The kid either comes and sleeps, or gets picked up at a pre arranged time. Sleepovers are meant to be fun, if all the girls are having to coax and cajole and it spoils it there's no point. Perhaps she could try sleeping at her Nans house or suchlike, rather than relying on you to fix her phobia.

What exactly is she getting upset about? I've skimmed the posts but may have missed it. Is she missing mum? Is she scared of using the loo when it's late, or have a bed wetting fear? Getting to the bottom of the cause may help. I know it's a pain in the arse but I do feel a bit bad for her, 10 is still quite young for some girls. I think if you get mum to collect though that would help massively. I'd hate to think of a little girl sad and missing her mum if she was at mine but worried about making a fuss. Hands up I haven't had to deal with that yet though

Getting to the bottom of the cause may help.

That's for her mum to do, it's not OP's job.

I do feel bad for the girl but I honestly think its just causing her more distress and embarrassment to try and stay.
If she was my daughter I wouldn’t have let her go again after the first time not only to not inconvenience anyone else but to protect her.
the girls have all been really nice and comforting to her so far but dd has admitted to me that it’s annoying and ruins the sleepover and I’m sure other girls feel the same. I can it being more likely to cause friendship issues if she keeps trying and ruining it by wanting to go home then if it was admitted she wasn’t ready and went home at a set time in the evening