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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy my colleague a horrible leaving present

128 replies

Hookahchakkah · 20/03/2025 19:54

I’ve worked with someone for almost two years and we’ve got on like a house on fire. Really similar wavelength and we’ve had loads of really funny conversations and in jokes. They aren’t for everyone but reasonably popular in the office but I think I’m the only one who they would go for a walk with or text out of work. Their leaving is a bit awkward and we do the same job as do three other people. Their work has been divided and the other three people have done nothing but criticise and moan about what they have to do and I know my colleague has had enough. The work was passed to me and I’ve got no issues with the vast majority of it but one part, if I do what they have said, puts me into a very very difficult position if they don’t sort it out before they go.

I rang them and asked them to do it (as I can’t) and if they don’t I’m going to not only have to do loads of extra work but I’m also likely going to be discliolined for not sorting the issue out before they go.

i raised it in as sensitive a way I could and they basically got very shirty with me and spoke to me in a very inappropriate way.

I gave them a chance and said that I didn’t think what they were saying was fair and they doubled down and called me weak and lazy which is not only completely unfair but untrue.

insaid I didn’t think what they were saying was fair and they hung up on me .

we would normally chat every day or go for a walk maybe once a week but they walked past my room and didn’t wave, ignored emails yesterday and didn’t apologise

ive had to email them today about something and they replied but didn’t mention the altercation.

ive made my peace that they won’t apologise but I’m in charge of the leaving present and drinks. M

i thought about not going but we don’t go out much and I really like the other colleagues that are going.

so very basically, what is the worst oresnet I can buy for them.
we are going to the pub som in thinking about buying five bottles of wines that they have to carry for the night

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 21/03/2025 15:08

This all sounds very toxic. Why would you be so mean? This work issue is not their problem to sort it’s your manager’s.

Not surprised they’re leaving you all sound nuts

Livpool · 21/03/2025 15:26

YABU to spend other people’s money on a ‘horrible’ present

SpryUmberZebra · 21/03/2025 15:29

This felt like I was reading a playground squabble between 5 year olds 😂

How are old are you? And what’s this job where your colleague walks past your room? Do you mean room/office at work?

Alwaysalert · 21/03/2025 15:42

If this isn't your work and Management have not assigned it to you then don't do it, but tell the person that you are not doing it so they can either do it themselves or pass to Management maybe with their apologies. Your post is so vague that I'm not even sure if Management assigned her the work, and if not why are you even worried about it. As for the colleagues that you really like - you said they are going so I'm assuming you mean to the Leaving do, so unless they are leaving too, you are going to see them again so I don't understand why that matters. At a later date you can try and organise another night out for the people you work with. If you don't think the people who work there want to socialise after work well then no one will really care whether you are there or not, so just don't go. Someone may mention you are not there but they will not really care. As for the present - just nicely ask someone else to buy it, you can say you have ran out of ideas or just say you don't have time and don't put any money in if you don't want to buy a present or she has upset you big time.

BubbaHorovitz · 21/03/2025 15:43

Just give her the money in a card and she can spend it on whatever she likes.

Merryoldgoat · 21/03/2025 15:45

So this person has made a significant error and instead of telling a manager you’re choosing pettiness?

And you’re just allowing this person to dole out work to you with no authority or approval?

I honestly don’t know how people get this far in work sometimes.

YourBestFriend · 21/03/2025 15:47

What is wrong with you ? Are you mad?

Blondeerror · 21/03/2025 15:48

Your colleague isn’t bothered about you getting into trouble about the issue when she’s gone- that is clear.
so escalate the work issue in a calm/ matter of fact way to your boss and get it sorted while she is still here. You’d be mad to take the blame especially when she’s been rude to you.
Buy a voucher or something. So she can choose for herself, go for a drink and wish her well.
job done, good luck

sometimesmovingforwards · 21/03/2025 15:56

2025willbemytime · 20/03/2025 19:57

How about you remember that you're an adult and if the person won't do the necessary you speak to your boss?

Ad for the gift, buy what you would have done before you had this tantrum.

Agreed.
I sometimes think MN must be populated by pre-teens of below average intelligence. It honestly makes me cringe knowing that it’s actually adults in the workplace!
People talk about a glass ceiling halting their career growth… no it’s your mind indulging the thoughts of an immature moron if this thread is anything to go by lol!

YourBestFriend · 21/03/2025 15:56

Very difficult to have an opinion without the specifics. Why doesn't she get on with anybody else? When you say that she spoke in an appropriate way what exactly are we referring to? If she gave you verbal abuse, you need to report her.

sometimesmovingforwards · 21/03/2025 15:56

Merryoldgoat · 21/03/2025 15:45

So this person has made a significant error and instead of telling a manager you’re choosing pettiness?

And you’re just allowing this person to dole out work to you with no authority or approval?

I honestly don’t know how people get this far in work sometimes.

Googling the Peter principle is an answer of sorts

Patterncarmen · 21/03/2025 16:02

Erm, this is other peoples' money, so do the mature thing and buy a proper present. Take up the issue of the work with your boss.

SalfordQuays · 21/03/2025 16:31

This is really very simple OP.

Regarding the gift, you either buy whatever you were originally going to buy, or you ask someone else to take over the gift-buying since you’ve fallen out with the colleague.

Regarding the work - you simply tell your manager that you can’t do it because your departing colleague hasn’t done what they need to do. Then the manager can sort it out, and won’t get disciplined.

I can understand you being upset about your colleague’s behaviour after you’ve been friends, but all this business about the work and the gift is very dramatic.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 21/03/2025 16:58

Hookahchakkah · 20/03/2025 20:28

You’re right, it is mean to use the money other people have given but I was trying to be creative.

horrified that I sound nasty! I’ve bent over backwards for this person and they’ve taken their mood with everyone else out on me in a very unprofessional way.

as for the work I have refused to take it unless they either sort out their mess or pointed out that not only will I have to sort it out but I’ll also bear the brunt of management having a go at me about it as they won’t be there anymore. It will take them about half an hour to sort it out max and will nécessite me spending a day I don’t have driving up and down the motorway to see someone hours away to have a meeting to explain the mistake. I cannot sort it out quickly, they can .

also, it’s not work which management know about so it hasn’t been given to me, this person has given it to me without their knowledge or agreement and if they had known, they would have made them sort it out not me

this makes no sense. Who asked you to take over this work? The manager is the person who is responsible for allocating new people to the tasks done by the previous colleague.

It sounds like your colleague asked you to take over a side-hustle (because no one knows you’re taking it over). How on earth can management be angry at YOU for work not done that wasn’t your responsibility in the first place?
I think you’re investing yourself in a situation that isn’t yours to solve. You’re also making the entire situation with your ex colleague too personal. You were work colleagues, not friends. You make your working arrangements with your manager, ie which tasks you do, what you need so you can complete them.

Getting a horrible gift is just mean and shitty. If that’s all you can think off get someone else to do it, say you’re way too busy or make up an excuse, but don’t be a bitch.

Devianinc · 21/03/2025 18:51

I’d just make sure that upper management knows she’s dumping unnecessary work on her and then let someone else work out the going away gift and don’t go. She’s snubbing you and doesn’t care what you think so why should you care how she feels. I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t go.

GiddyCrab · 21/03/2025 18:57

Grow up!!!!

Devianinc · 21/03/2025 22:01

Your never going to see her again so who cares at all.

The13thFairy · 22/03/2025 12:28

The 'they' is silly.

Silversaxo · 22/03/2025 15:59

You sound awful. Hope that helps!

TunnocksOrDeath · 22/03/2025 16:18

Devianinc · 21/03/2025 22:01

Your never going to see her again so who cares at all.

Don't believe it! My team thought we'd got rid of Madame Toxic a few years ago, but then our employer merged with the company for which she'd left, and she was transferred back into our building again.

Fitfoodiefour · 22/03/2025 18:32

I wouldn't like to be your colleague.
She's leaving and her work was passed to 3 others who passed it to you yet not one of you can do it.
Why are you taking it up with her? She didn't pass it to you.
When she leaves someone's going to have to do it.
She's leaving and you like her when she's there doing the hard stuff but now are going to be petty.

Why don't you knock on her door and say that you really value your colleague and it feels like you've offended her, and that was not your intention but you will all be lost without her. Say sorry and that you would really appreciate her input or advice on finishing the work.

I wish her well in her new job and hopefully she'll find real friendships at the next job.
I really hope you are under 25, yes you are being unreasonable, immature and petty.

oosha · 22/03/2025 18:36

The workload issue is a matter for your employer and not for your colleague who is departing so I think you are totally in the wrong and no wonder they went off on one at you. And how nasty to think of buying an awful present, maybe think about how you would like to be treated and pay your colleague the courtesy of treating them the same. Honestly OP what the f* is wrong with you.

Goldie456 · 22/03/2025 19:12

Hookahchakkah · 20/03/2025 19:54

I’ve worked with someone for almost two years and we’ve got on like a house on fire. Really similar wavelength and we’ve had loads of really funny conversations and in jokes. They aren’t for everyone but reasonably popular in the office but I think I’m the only one who they would go for a walk with or text out of work. Their leaving is a bit awkward and we do the same job as do three other people. Their work has been divided and the other three people have done nothing but criticise and moan about what they have to do and I know my colleague has had enough. The work was passed to me and I’ve got no issues with the vast majority of it but one part, if I do what they have said, puts me into a very very difficult position if they don’t sort it out before they go.

I rang them and asked them to do it (as I can’t) and if they don’t I’m going to not only have to do loads of extra work but I’m also likely going to be discliolined for not sorting the issue out before they go.

i raised it in as sensitive a way I could and they basically got very shirty with me and spoke to me in a very inappropriate way.

I gave them a chance and said that I didn’t think what they were saying was fair and they doubled down and called me weak and lazy which is not only completely unfair but untrue.

insaid I didn’t think what they were saying was fair and they hung up on me .

we would normally chat every day or go for a walk maybe once a week but they walked past my room and didn’t wave, ignored emails yesterday and didn’t apologise

ive had to email them today about something and they replied but didn’t mention the altercation.

ive made my peace that they won’t apologise but I’m in charge of the leaving present and drinks. M

i thought about not going but we don’t go out much and I really like the other colleagues that are going.

so very basically, what is the worst oresnet I can buy for them.
we are going to the pub som in thinking about buying five bottles of wines that they have to carry for the night

What a fucking horrible person! I can’t believe you’ve actually come on here and asked the question 🤣

MoonWoman69 · 22/03/2025 20:47

Middle aged professional?! Nothing professional about you, going by this post! You sound like a complete child and more of a nightmare than the person you're moaning about!

Pippyls67 · 22/03/2025 21:17

If they are leaving they have no duty towards you. You need to raise any problems with your manager not them. Don’t be spiteful about the leaving present. They’ve obviously had a shit time of things already- hence wanting to leave. Your request was probably the last straw. Be kinder.