Help! Mothering Sunday and MIL wants to come over, but DH has outing planned with me!

[Yippetyjap]

Argh! How do I navigate this? My husband and son had planned to cook me a nice dinner and go on an outing for Mothering Sunday with me and our DS this year. Just had a text from MIL saying how about she came over to ours and we do a "shared buffet" for Mothering Sunday? I was really looking forward to go away for the day but don't want to be a monster and tell MIL not to come... What do I do???

AIBU- have her over
YANBU- suggest different day

Glad it's sorted. I hope you have a lovely day @Yippetyjap

Possibly but OP says she is a nice woman. Maybe she felt it was better to discuss Mother’s Day plans with her DIL because she didn’t want to make a plan with her DS if her DIL wanted to do something else, either with her DC or DM. Sometimes I message both my DC and their partner in a group chat, sometimes my DC, sometimes their partner, to make plans 🤷‍♀️

You said

I know right, so first up why does she text me and not my husband??

Usually because of a sexist stereotype that women do all of the family organising.

I know. Totally thoughtless.

No one gives a shit about the older mums who are still navigating the choppy waters of motherhood with new family politics.

No empathy or consideration for them - especially those unfortunate to be a MIL - you’re basically persona non grata and you can do one if you expect any crumb of Mother’s Day.

I hope women with little boys take note of all these threads where MILs are expected to just move aside, forget they’re a mum and suck up any feelings about it.

I bet she her FIL doesn’t text the son to make suggestions about Father’s Day. ;)

Actually, this is a good point, if this about Mother’s Day and not just general family engagement Her son made the MIL a mother, and also made the OP a mother. Either female absolving the male from taking responsibility for the day’s plans rather defeats the object, doesn’t it?

I wrote a nice post for MILs, no?

I just don’t understand the fuss around any of it. It’s just a day. (I feel the same about other days like Easter and Xmas as well.). My mum was always happy with a handmade card and some daisies from the garden, or daffs when we got a bit bigger. Nan got a card in the post.

I don’t actually know when Mother’s Day is, but I can tell you that we haven’t travelled to either mother for it since we have been married and neither has any issue with it. MIL has 4 sons (and we are 5 hours away - the local ones don’t visit for Mother’s Day either) and my mother would tell me off if I made a fuss!

Ugh, that's so bitchy

I agree. The OP sounds lovely though

this.

I don’t know, it sounds quite sweet. I mean, the reverse could be said too, couldn’t it? When my children were really young, I probably would have just seen this from the OP’s side, but the closer they get to being independent, the more I realise that one day the MIL will likely be me too. I will try to be massively laid-back, after all of the posts I’ve read on here, but I can imagine feeling quite sad too.

This is wild. Barging??!

It is not up to DILs to create a nice day for their MILs.
As a grandmother, and no longer doing active parenting, I hope my daughters will be having a lovely day being thoroughly spoiled by their young children with help from my SILs. I do not expect to see them on the day.
There are MILs who complain they don’t get to see their grandchildren on Mothers’ Day. This is because these grandchildren are with their mother. It is not Grandmothers’ Day.

The week after isn't Mother's Day.

I don't always see my mil or dm on Mother's day but we see them in the days before.

I think it's weird for a ds to plan a day out with no thought for his dm. Is he inconsiderate and thoughtless generally op?

I don't find it weird. When my son has children I would expect him to prioritise his children's mother on mother's day. When we were small my father helped us do stuff for our mother. My parents sent their mothers a card and phoned them but the mothers of young children were prioritised.

Just because some MIL’s assume their DIL should be doing all the wife work because of sexism, doesn’t mean that all MIL’s are sexist 🙄 You could say that your assumption about MILs is sexist…

Some of us actually have a relationship with our DILs that is more than being the mother of their husband/wife. We may actually even socialise with our DILs outside of familial “duty” 🙄 OP says that her MIL is nice and that OP is usually the one who contacts the MIL to make plans as she enjoys making plans. The MIL is just following her lead.

Shock, horror, both my DS and DIL contact me (and other family members regardless of their sex) to arrange childcare and plans, depending on which one of them is doing the planning. I contact whoever I think is most appropriate to contact if I want to make plans with them. It may be different with any future partners of my other DC because we may not have the same relationship or they might like to share responsibilities differently 🤷‍♀️

You sound like a really thoughtful daughter in law Op, hope you all have a lovely Mother’s Day.
I text and speak to my daughter in law as much as my son, we enjoy each other’s company , go on walks together and enjoy a chat.

Mothers Day aside, I'm always amazed at the attitude towards MIL's on mumsnet. Whilst I agree that the son should never opt out of responsibility for his own mother, the notion that the DIL should never organise anything for her MIL, never receive or send text messages or birthday cards etc is insane. The DIL's husband shares half his mother's genetics, she gave birth to him, she is grandmother to the DIL's children. She is close family and the children share her blood. To treat her on a par with some random work colleague of her husband's is mind boggling.

Yes but Men usually don’t sort out presents etc for their MILs

That's very true and a well balanced way to look at it. I suppose if my MIL was a nice decent woman (and mine was) I wouldn't let her be disappointed or sad because of her son's inadequacy. Obviously I wouldn't tolerate his ineptitude but if that didn't work I would feel that, as my children's grandmother and fellow human being, I owed it to her to step up. I couldn't be that unkind. But that's not the general concensus on Mumsnet.

It would be fair if the husband was expected to sort out HIS mother in laws gifts but he's not so it just adds up to more mental load for the wife! It's not on.

This sounds good because then you also don’t get left with a load of washing up!

Following your logic, OP should spend the day with her son and her dh - with her MIL? And how exactly would young children spoil their mum?

Right??! Why shouldn't I make plans with my MIL! She's lovely and has been very much welcoming me into the family from the get go. I don't see why I should not be communicating with her.

Absolutely. Everyone wins!