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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreements over school holidays

100 replies

RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 06:57

Hello! First time poster please be gentle!

myself and my ex broke up 6 months ago, it wasn’t a clean break. He ended up on bail for harassing me but has since been let off bail with no further action. We have one daughter together, 6.

When we were together he had no interest in plans or organising activities with the children. Now the Easter holidays are coming up, I asked my 2 girls if they wanted to do a club and they both said yes, so I booked them into the same club together for 3 days. I didn’t ask permission as it didn’t even cross my mind that it’s in the week that my ex has our daughter. He has got very angry about this, calling me names and insisting that either he has our daughter for the whole week without letting my mum see her on my mums birthday, not taking her to any clubs or letting me have her for Easter Monday to celebrate Easter with her and her sister together.

Either this, or he will be picking her up as soon as school finishes and taking her for my week, in which time I’ve booked to go on holiday (in the country as he won’t let me take her abroad), meaning that she would completely miss the family holiday.

I’ve tried to offer some adjustments, such as giving him an extra day either side and only asking for the bare minimum time on my mums birthday, however he’s now not even responding to me. I’ve apologised for not considering that the club is eating up his time and said I’ll check with him next time, however he didn’t even acknowledge the apology. He continues to point out that because of the bail he didn’t get to spend Christmas or her birthday with our daughter, which is my fault.

Gaslighting was a frequent occurrence in our relationship. I still struggle to see things, I don’t think I’m being unfair but I can see why he’s angry. AITA? We’re in the process of getting a child arrangements order and I’ve applied for a non-mol as I’m so tired of the aggression and accusations.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/03/2025 07:02

I think starting from a basis of splitting school holidays is the right point. I also don’t think seeing Nan on her birthday is a good enough reason not to, she can see Nan a few days after.

can you get the term dates now and agree the splits for the rest of the school holidays this year now to avoid issues?

WombatStewForTea · 20/03/2025 07:03

What's your actual contact agreement? 50/50 week on/week off? So he has her for the entire week then you have her for a week?
It's not up to you what she does in his week so you were unreasonable to do that. Does he work which he needs childcare for? Ultimately you need to cancel the club and she goes to her dad for the week if that's the agreement. I'm sure he'll realise it's more effort than he's used to putting in and he'll regret it but that's not your problem

socks1107 · 20/03/2025 07:03

You need to cancel the club. If that’s his week ( and I don’t understand how you forgot) she needs to go as planned. Or let him have Easter Monday.
re everything else he sounds a bit of a prat but that shouldn’t impact time with his daughter that has been agreed or you may find yourself in court obtaining an order that gives him nearer 50/50

WombatStewForTea · 20/03/2025 07:04

And your mum's birthday is irrelevant. If it's not your day it isn't your day. You'll have to celebrate with your dd a different day

ExtraOnions · 20/03/2025 07:05

…so you booked them into a holiday club on “his week” without checking what he had planned? Yea, I get why he would be pissed off.

You need a proper arrangement in place, to stop this happening again.

MarnieJADE · 20/03/2025 07:06

If it his time with his daughter(s) then he would be choosing their holiday care, clubs etc.

If you arrange in his time ( and he arranges in your time) then this is going to be very messy long term, as you are finding.

Agree a schedule for where the girls are when. Both if you keep to it. Neither of you to book anything in the others time. Family celebrations are not an exception. Simple.

SometimesCalmPerson · 20/03/2025 07:09

He’s right. If it’s his week, he gets to decide what they do. You can’t be booking her in for clubs on his time, or expecting her back for Easter Monday just because it’s easier Monday, or expect that he should give up his time because it’s your mothers birthday. All those things can be celebrated in your own week of the holiday.

Theunamedcat · 20/03/2025 07:10

Pick your child up early the last day so he can't spoil your holiday cancel their clubs drop any request for nans birthday

He is not your partner anymore

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/03/2025 07:10

Sorry but I think yabu.

You shouldn't have booked the club in his week without checking with him first. You don't need to "celebrate" on Easter Monday and you have no more right to see her on that day than he has. And while it would be nice for your mum to see her on her birthday, he doesn't have to agree to this.

His weeks are his weeks. I understand that that's a huge adjustment for you, but you are going to have to get used to it, I'm afraid.

Overthebow · 20/03/2025 07:10

It’s his week with his DC. How did you forget seeing as you’re going on holiday the first week, surely you then knew it was his the next? You need to cancel the club or what he’s proposing is fair really, you can’t have the whole first week and then parts of the second aswell.

Stafanko · 20/03/2025 07:12

YABU. His week is his week to organise. You need to cancel the club

FortyElephants · 20/03/2025 07:13

Cancel the club. It's not ok to book something during his week. Don't you celebrate Easter on the Sunday?

itsgettingweird · 20/03/2025 07:14

He may be an arsehole.

however ….. you’re reaction to him taking her on “your” week should give you a hint why he’s reacted like that to you not considering his plans on “his” week.

maybe you should both try remembering your DD isn’t a possession and this isn’t a competition.

it’s about a 6yo spending equal time with both parents and about her.

Agix · 20/03/2025 07:15

Your fault. You shouldn't have booked the club. "I forgot" or "I didn't consider" that it's his week isn't good enough, because that's the point.. YOU SHOULD have done. You either need to cancel the club or let him call the shots on new arrangements.

faerietales · 20/03/2025 07:15

He’s right. You wouldn’t like it if he booked them in for activities during your time with them.

Chungai · 20/03/2025 07:18

RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 06:57

Hello! First time poster please be gentle!

myself and my ex broke up 6 months ago, it wasn’t a clean break. He ended up on bail for harassing me but has since been let off bail with no further action. We have one daughter together, 6.

When we were together he had no interest in plans or organising activities with the children. Now the Easter holidays are coming up, I asked my 2 girls if they wanted to do a club and they both said yes, so I booked them into the same club together for 3 days. I didn’t ask permission as it didn’t even cross my mind that it’s in the week that my ex has our daughter. He has got very angry about this, calling me names and insisting that either he has our daughter for the whole week without letting my mum see her on my mums birthday, not taking her to any clubs or letting me have her for Easter Monday to celebrate Easter with her and her sister together.

Either this, or he will be picking her up as soon as school finishes and taking her for my week, in which time I’ve booked to go on holiday (in the country as he won’t let me take her abroad), meaning that she would completely miss the family holiday.

I’ve tried to offer some adjustments, such as giving him an extra day either side and only asking for the bare minimum time on my mums birthday, however he’s now not even responding to me. I’ve apologised for not considering that the club is eating up his time and said I’ll check with him next time, however he didn’t even acknowledge the apology. He continues to point out that because of the bail he didn’t get to spend Christmas or her birthday with our daughter, which is my fault.

Gaslighting was a frequent occurrence in our relationship. I still struggle to see things, I don’t think I’m being unfair but I can see why he’s angry. AITA? We’re in the process of getting a child arrangements order and I’ve applied for a non-mol as I’m so tired of the aggression and accusations.

The aggression and name calling is not ok.

But having your dd for the full week is.

Eventually he may come to appreciate some flexibility on both sides.

devildeepbluesea · 20/03/2025 07:19

Another YABU. It’s not about what either of you want, it’s about your child spending time with you equally. You have to cancel the club.

Mama2many73 · 20/03/2025 07:19

When you have shared contact, you don't book in anything for the other persons time (without agreeing first). It doesn't matter that it doesn't fit into your time/events ie mums birthday, you have to arrange alternate days in your own time. She doesn't have to see your DM on her birthday .
Unfortunately i think you are BU.

Ablondiebutagoody · 20/03/2025 07:20

Sorry OP, he's right. You need to cancel the club.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 20/03/2025 07:20

If you take one week with your mums birthday, and clubs and easter.

Then of course he gets the other....regardless of your holiday.

You are going to have a shock of he takes this to court.

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/03/2025 07:21

What is his normal contact schedule?

Why can you not cancel the holiday club for 6 year old and she go to dads?

If this is time that he would normally have her, then I do think it is not fair to go ahead with plans that you have made that take her away from that

Sofiewoo · 20/03/2025 07:23

I booked them into the same club together for 3 days. I didn’t ask permission as it didn’t even cross my mind that it’s in the week that my ex has our daughter.

Come on, you would rightly be raging if he did this to you!
And your mums birthday isn’t really a reason to take them on his time either. Is the Easter his when he has them too?

Cnidarian · 20/03/2025 07:24

It's his week so you can't have her for the Monday, your mother's birthday and put her in a club for 3 days, that's the whole week. You have to cancel.

McSpoot · 20/03/2025 07:26

There seems to be a total lack of flexibility on your part. First, you ignore his week and then you have a million and one reasons why he cannot get his full time at other times.

Yes, you are being unfair and there is no gaslighting here (well, possibly, he could argue that you're trying to gaslight him by pretending that he's the one that is being inflexible).

Moonnstars · 20/03/2025 07:27

Sorry YABU. It sounds like you booked her into a club on the week he should be seeing his daughter. The most you could have done is said to him DD would like to go to this club but it is on your week, and then let him decide to book or not. It doesn't matter whether he showed an interest in the past, or (unless he is harming her) what he does when she is with him (whether he takes her out on days out, books her into a club the whole time, or lets her sit all day on a screen).
Considering you mention a holiday on the other week I am surprised you didn't think when booking the club that is when DD would be with her dad.
Unfortunately when separated you won't always have the child around when it is a family members birthday or a seasonal event. You have to adapt and celebrate a different day. I suggest you make sure you go through the calendar and mark out who has her which weeks for the rest of the year. This would be no different than going through court and having a formal agreement.

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