Disagreements over school holidays

[RebeccaSophia]

Hello! First time poster please be gentle!

myself and my ex broke up 6 months ago, it wasn’t a clean break. He ended up on bail for harassing me but has since been let off bail with no further action. We have one daughter together, 6.

When we were together he had no interest in plans or organising activities with the children. Now the Easter holidays are coming up, I asked my 2 girls if they wanted to do a club and they both said yes, so I booked them into the same club together for 3 days. I didn’t ask permission as it didn’t even cross my mind that it’s in the week that my ex has our daughter. He has got very angry about this, calling me names and insisting that either he has our daughter for the whole week without letting my mum see her on my mums birthday, not taking her to any clubs or letting me have her for Easter Monday to celebrate Easter with her and her sister together.

Either this, or he will be picking her up as soon as school finishes and taking her for my week, in which time I’ve booked to go on holiday (in the country as he won’t let me take her abroad), meaning that she would completely miss the family holiday.

I’ve tried to offer some adjustments, such as giving him an extra day either side and only asking for the bare minimum time on my mums birthday, however he’s now not even responding to me. I’ve apologised for not considering that the club is eating up his time and said I’ll check with him next time, however he didn’t even acknowledge the apology. He continues to point out that because of the bail he didn’t get to spend Christmas or her birthday with our daughter, which is my fault.

Gaslighting was a frequent occurrence in our relationship. I still struggle to see things, I don’t think I’m being unfair but I can see why he’s angry. AITA? We’re in the process of getting a child arrangements order and I’ve applied for a non-mol as I’m so tired of the aggression and accusations.

None of that will be relevant - he is her father and 50/50 holiday time is fairly common and no you can’t put her in a club in his time

my ex booked a holiday for him and the kids . He didn't check dates or anything he just told me . I said they will love that etc etc ... I have also booked a holiday. I have not told him yet . He will also say have a good time. I also did not check if it had an effect to his weekend. We will just juggle things about.

Your trying to organise his time though which you can’t do. You need clear boundaries for yourself too and that means knowing when it’s your time and when it’s his.

He was obviously a pretty shitty dad when they were together, leaving everything to OP and has been abusive to OP (ending up on bail for harassment) and being borderline abusive to her older child and is using his contact time to continue the abuse. He ignored all her messages about arrangements during the Easter holidays and then kicked off when she went ahead and booked some things in. She probably shouldn't have done this but stonewalling and ignoring her messages about their child's contact arrangements is unreasonable on his part.

If you had asked him if he wanted the girls over Easter before booking the club and he said no - then don’t cancel.

It seems that he assumed he was having them for 1 week and you were having them for another.

Why not tell him he can have the girls for that week but as they are so excited about the club can he take them there and he can have an extra 3 days on top to make up for it.
Or he can have them for the week and the extra 3 days but they can be with you for the 3 club days.

Easter or your mums birthday are not reasons for him not to have her, as these can be celebrated any day.

I’m confused with the contact arrangements.

If he had made no plans with you for having them over the holidays and said he wasn’t seeing her and then has suddenly decided that he is going to have her.
Then he’s BVU and I wouldn’t be cancelling plans.

But if he has regular contact and it was likely he would have her over the holidays, then YABU to book these over the 2 weeks without checking with him first.

whenever I try to organise!

Stop it. If it’s something within his weeks, don’t attempt to organise a thing. At all. It’s not your responsibility and it’s not your business.

Your mum’s birthday isn’t a reason to change his time with your 6yo. Easter Monday isn’t. The fact he isn’t interested in his former stepchild isn’t. A club you booked definitely isn’t.

He can be a colossal asshole and still have rights to see his child. You need to switch your mindset on this or you’ll drive yourself mad and only result in more poor communication and stress for your daughter.

Some parents are able to be flexible and juggle things around with each other.

Most parents can’t do that and having set contact days works best, as then there is no confusion and less arguments.

Try and get a proper routine in place and stick to it.

It will mean sometimes missing out of things like Christmas Day or birthdays but these can be celebrated on other days and it’s so much less hassle than trying to work with someone so difficult.

Basically drop the rope with him he needs to confirm when he is having them or it isn't "his week" ignore any abuse move to text/email only so you have evidence of you offering him times and him abusing you or not responding to you

You have apologised once leave it at that if he carries on ignore it don't answer unless he is asking a direct appropriate question about the child

So if he asks "have you turned her against me yet?" No answer don't even try to defend yourself if he asks "how is she can I see her xyz time?" You reply

Like I said your no longer partners it's always best to basterdize the miranda with people like him "anything you say can and will be used against you unless its child focused"

Good luck

She probably shouldn't have done this but stonewalling and ignoring her messages about their child's contact arrangements is unreasonable on his part.

I don't think anyone is suggesting he is a great dad or is a reasonable person, but the simple fact is Op shouldn't be booking things on his weeks. If he wasn't responding to messages, that is enough to see he doesn't agree and therefore she shouldn't have booked it. It's unfortunate for the children but it's also life with separated parents.

Sounds to me as if you’re doing your best. I think he will get tired of this soon, if it’s any comfort.

Just say it's a shame as she really wants to do the club and give him the number if he wants to cancel. Then agree for rest of holidays there is a pattern. He has first half ( except Christmas alternate,) this means you know when you can book stuff so your dd does not miss out on opportunities in future

@RebeccaSophia You said he was abusive to your elder daughter who is not his. Then don't let her go to his!! Why would you do that? He has no legal right to see her and since he's being abusive towards her definitely do NOT let him take her.

So one minute you’re upset he “dropped your eldest the minute you broke up” and the next he was borderline abusive to her?

You were completely in the wrong to book something in during his week. But it also seems like you want to paint him in a bad light in every single way.

He doesn't have to communicate with you about his Easter holiday plans other than "I will pick her up at x time and drop her off at y". If that's his week then he can do what he wants and you don't have a say.
And no he doesn't have to include your eldest who isn't his child. You drastically need to adjust your expectations.

But he also can't prevent you from taking her abroad for a holiday. Get legal advice on that, as long as it's under a certain amount of time, the resident parent is entitled to take them abroad.

YABU - you need to cancel the club. You cant book them into something on his time without asking him. Put it the other way around and how would you feel if he did that to you?

As hard as it is, you need to leave him to deal with his time in the holidays now you are not together. If he doesn't book clubs in time that is his problem etc. He needs to learn to deal with it and sometimes the only way is for him to fail a few times first

This sounds a tough situation. Just to offer some thoughts. Your ex does not sound like a reasonable person as you mentioned him being on bail for harassing you. You also said he had no interest in the children before.

If we are to try see the best in him, his upset at the change in arrangements is not unreasonable as that was his week. You would be unhappy if he’d done the same to you.

If, and perhaps what is more likely, it’s more a question of power play on his part, I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to be reasonable because his past behaviour makes it clear that he isn’t.

Either way, the expectation that he be flexible is unlikely to be met so it’s with that in mind that you need to seek a formal arrangement so things are clear.

Why should he have to cancel?! She booked it when she knew her daughter wouldn't be there!!!

You are trying to control him, your mums birthday is not an excuse nor is forgetting the club

If you have other issues then legally do what is appropriate through whatever channels that is needed

You need to stop antagonising him.

Your kids do not have to "be kept together". You chose to have children with different fathers, you need to accept that this means they won't be together as they spend time with their other parent.
No court would give him less time with his child just because he doesn't want to take his former stepdaughter too.

In another post you claim your ex was horrible to your eldest that played a large part in the split. If so, why are you annoyed that he dropped her as soon as you split up?

yes we do this, but usually just check in first, just to be fair. But we never mind. My ex is taking our dc on holiday over the whole of Easter. I will miss them so much but they are so excited I wouldn’t deny them that. I’ll take them for a few weeks in the summer. He is busy at work this month so I have them for a full week at the moment. The dc are fine with this we run it by them first too.

You’re annoyed he dropped your eldest as soon as you split up but then say he was borderline abusive towards her and that’s part of the reason you split up? Why you want him to have anything at all to do with your eldest now you’re not together?

Getting a Child Arrangement Order in place was the absolute best thing I did when it came to caring for our son.
Before that was in place I had a mental Post-it note saying "put DS first", which helped me rise above his games. Using children as pawns can only harm them.

@RebeccaSophia i think asking permission is the wrong way of doing things .
But it’s his week .
You can’t books club on his week and you can’t take your Dd to your mums .

It’s easier if you can work together and be flexible for the kids but it’s not going to work with him. Saying that you can make decisions for both kids it’s not the same .
He has rights untill he makes a mess of them .

if he booked in a club she’d have loved in my time I’d be delighted that he was making her happy, but I know he’s not me.

It's dictating and controlling what he has to do on his days with her though-that's not fair. You can't do that and you can't decide to take her to your mum's house in his week either.