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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreements over school holidays

100 replies

RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 06:57

Hello! First time poster please be gentle!

myself and my ex broke up 6 months ago, it wasn’t a clean break. He ended up on bail for harassing me but has since been let off bail with no further action. We have one daughter together, 6.

When we were together he had no interest in plans or organising activities with the children. Now the Easter holidays are coming up, I asked my 2 girls if they wanted to do a club and they both said yes, so I booked them into the same club together for 3 days. I didn’t ask permission as it didn’t even cross my mind that it’s in the week that my ex has our daughter. He has got very angry about this, calling me names and insisting that either he has our daughter for the whole week without letting my mum see her on my mums birthday, not taking her to any clubs or letting me have her for Easter Monday to celebrate Easter with her and her sister together.

Either this, or he will be picking her up as soon as school finishes and taking her for my week, in which time I’ve booked to go on holiday (in the country as he won’t let me take her abroad), meaning that she would completely miss the family holiday.

I’ve tried to offer some adjustments, such as giving him an extra day either side and only asking for the bare minimum time on my mums birthday, however he’s now not even responding to me. I’ve apologised for not considering that the club is eating up his time and said I’ll check with him next time, however he didn’t even acknowledge the apology. He continues to point out that because of the bail he didn’t get to spend Christmas or her birthday with our daughter, which is my fault.

Gaslighting was a frequent occurrence in our relationship. I still struggle to see things, I don’t think I’m being unfair but I can see why he’s angry. AITA? We’re in the process of getting a child arrangements order and I’ve applied for a non-mol as I’m so tired of the aggression and accusations.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 20/03/2025 07:28

Does ex work and is he planning on actually having DD that week? Or is he likely to bail at the last minute leaving you without childcare?

Will your other DD want to go without her sister? I can see why you’re still in the habit of planning for things like this that have to be done in advance. Unfortunately on this occasion your ex is in the right. If you have agreed he has DD that week then it’s up to him to book and pay for any clubs.

WonkyDonkeyWonkeyDonkey · 20/03/2025 07:29

You can’t arrange things during the time he is supposed to have his children or manage what they do during that time. You like activities, he doesn’t seem to. That’s OK. They had do activities when they are with you.

Bristollocalknowledge · 20/03/2025 07:30

50:50 school holidays is pretty standard. Sounds like you both made a mistake by not agreeing on the weeks. Or did you discuss it and then book in things on his birthday? You don’t need Easter Monday, you have good Friday to Easter Sunday.

I would contact him and say sorry because here you’re in the wrong. Tell him he can have the first week and ask if there is a way you make it so the girls can still do some of the days of the camp but you understand if he doesn’t want that.

He shouldn’t be name calling.

Get the other holidays divided for the rest of the year now.

Original poster
RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 07:31

Quick update - when I tried to discuss plans for Easter holidays he completely ignored the messages. When I said I need to book things in advance he ignored my message, so I went ahead and planned the holiday. My family are coming over from France and I rarely get to see my brother. We don’t have 50/50, as he works more than I do. When I tried to ask him when he wants her in the holidays he ignored me. I had the opportunity to book the girls in for a club they enjoyed for free (I am on a low income). I can cancel the club but my daughter is very excited about it now, I didn’t think when I was booking as this is the first time I’ve had to consider his wishes, he was not interested in the past and let me book whatever for our daughter. He didn’t tell me he had any plans for the week that I offered him (again not confirmed). We don’t have any contact order in place, we are awaiting court. I don’t believe he should get equal time as he dropped my eldest as soon as we broke up and I believe my girls should be kept together, and club would be time together.

OP posts:
McSpoot · 20/03/2025 07:32

Is your eldest daughter his?

Createausernameplease · 20/03/2025 07:33

If the eldest isn’t his he has no obligations to her. Your reasoning they should be kept together is ridiculous.

minnienono · 20/03/2025 07:34

So you booked a holiday for one week and a club for the other and didn’t consider their dad? Ok well then I suggest you see if somebody else wants the club place because can you see how unfair that is?

stanleypops66 · 20/03/2025 07:34

He’s trying to be awkward given you’d asked him numerous times to confirm. I think though now that he’s said when he wants your dd you need to cancel the club. I’d get it in writing when he’s having her then go to court to get a proper schedule written up.

Pineapplewaves · 20/03/2025 07:35

You shouldn’t have booked DD into holiday club when it’s his week to have DD. It doesn’t matter if your other DD going, it’s not your week and you need to accept that. If DD wanted to go to the club with her sister she should have mentioned it to her DF and he could have booked her in if he agreed.

You need to cancel the club and allow ex to have DD for his week, otherwise he’s not unreasonable to ask for three days out of your week in return.

It’s unfortunate your Mum’s birthday and Easter Monday have fallen in your ex’a week but that’s just life. I presume you have Good Friday, you can celebrate Easter on that day.

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/03/2025 07:35

RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 07:31

Quick update - when I tried to discuss plans for Easter holidays he completely ignored the messages. When I said I need to book things in advance he ignored my message, so I went ahead and planned the holiday. My family are coming over from France and I rarely get to see my brother. We don’t have 50/50, as he works more than I do. When I tried to ask him when he wants her in the holidays he ignored me. I had the opportunity to book the girls in for a club they enjoyed for free (I am on a low income). I can cancel the club but my daughter is very excited about it now, I didn’t think when I was booking as this is the first time I’ve had to consider his wishes, he was not interested in the past and let me book whatever for our daughter. He didn’t tell me he had any plans for the week that I offered him (again not confirmed). We don’t have any contact order in place, we are awaiting court. I don’t believe he should get equal time as he dropped my eldest as soon as we broke up and I believe my girls should be kept together, and club would be time together.

Are both of your daughters your ex's or is just youngest ex's child? If not both his, then yeah its crap he dropped eldest, but her spending time with her sister does not trump youngest spending time with her father.

Sounds like he isnt making it easy and the sooner court order comes, the better as you will know where you stand and have structure, but this time, I think you should cancel the club for 6 year old and her spend time with her dad.

Original poster
RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 07:36

Another update; my eldest doesn’t want to do the club without her sister, and I’ve offered him Sunday 13th to Monday 21st if he takes her to club and lets me have her back on 21st so the girls can have Easter together. He was borderline abusive to my eldest when we were together and that’s one of the main reasons why I left him.

eldest isn’t his but he was her step dad for 7 years

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 20/03/2025 07:39

I don’t believe he should get equal time as he dropped my eldest as soon as we broke up and I believe my girls should be kept together, and club would be time together.

You can’t use this as a reason if they both aren’t his though.

You can’t use the excuse that eldest doesn’t want to go to a club without the youngest as a means to justify him not having his child on his week.
You say in your OP you knew it was his week when r you booked you just didn’t think it mattered, now you’re claiming he didn’t actually have a week?

MyDeftDuck · 20/03/2025 07:40

It saddens me that people think they can use a child to score points of one another and disrupt plans on a whim to suit their own agenda.

OP knew the club dates clashed with her EX's 'week' to have their daughter but went ahead and booked it but the EX refuses to acknowledge her explanation - they are both as bad as each other!! FFS STOP! Just STOP being unreasonable with each other and consider the child for a change! DD doesn't have to see her GM all day on her birthday, this is not about GM, it is about you as a separated couple and the child you created together. Time to grow up and act like adults.

Your actions towards each other is doing unimaginable damage to your DD.

harriethoyle · 20/03/2025 07:40

Even with your drip feeds updates you are still being unreasonable.

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/03/2025 07:41

RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 07:36

Another update; my eldest doesn’t want to do the club without her sister, and I’ve offered him Sunday 13th to Monday 21st if he takes her to club and lets me have her back on 21st so the girls can have Easter together. He was borderline abusive to my eldest when we were together and that’s one of the main reasons why I left him.

eldest isn’t his but he was her step dad for 7 years

Edited

The reality is he may not take her to the club when the time comes.

Will he be off work? He may want to do his own thing with her if he will be off and I think you have to accept that.

You cant put conditions on what he does on his time no matter how difficult he is

Nowvoyager99 · 20/03/2025 07:42

Sorry but YABU.

He doesn’t have to see your eldest who isn’t his child. Cancel the club and make DD available for the week you originally offered.

Email him with a draft schedule for the rest of the year so that this doesn’t happen again.

Sirzy · 20/03/2025 07:43

You can’t make him take her to a club during his time. Would you like it if he dictated what she did during your time?

Moonnstars · 20/03/2025 07:45

Unfortunately it won't be his problem if your girls don't want to do the club without the other. Your eldest is biologically his, and while he might have been evolved for a long time, she is not his responsibility. Does she still see her dad? They will have to get used to going to things alone or with friends if it falls on the wrong week and you will need to encourage this (and not bad mouth the youngest dad/make comments about him stopping this).

Your belief he doesn't deserve equal time because he dropped your eldest will not stand in court, so you need to rethink this.

SuperTrooper14 · 20/03/2025 07:45

You agreed his week at Easter, so you shouldn’t have got the girls excited about doing a club in his time. Their disappointment is on you, not him. Hard though it is, the girls need to understand now that they won’t always be able to do stuff together and you pushing your “they can’t be separated” mantra is only going to cause them emotional harm. Nor can you demand Easter Monday back if it falls in his week. You need to suck it up and stick to the original plan and hopefully you can plan other holidays a bit better.

LemonTT · 20/03/2025 07:46

RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 07:31

Quick update - when I tried to discuss plans for Easter holidays he completely ignored the messages. When I said I need to book things in advance he ignored my message, so I went ahead and planned the holiday. My family are coming over from France and I rarely get to see my brother. We don’t have 50/50, as he works more than I do. When I tried to ask him when he wants her in the holidays he ignored me. I had the opportunity to book the girls in for a club they enjoyed for free (I am on a low income). I can cancel the club but my daughter is very excited about it now, I didn’t think when I was booking as this is the first time I’ve had to consider his wishes, he was not interested in the past and let me book whatever for our daughter. He didn’t tell me he had any plans for the week that I offered him (again not confirmed). We don’t have any contact order in place, we are awaiting court. I don’t believe he should get equal time as he dropped my eldest as soon as we broke up and I believe my girls should be kept together, and club would be time together.

You need to stand back and look at what is going wrong here and what impact it will have on your children. Because they are at the centre of conflict. It is unnecessary conflict and you are both contributing to it. I cannot advise him as he is not asking for advice and I’m not negating his role in the conflict but you are part of the problem.

This is a long and defensive attack on his actions to justify a mistake on your part. It’s easy for him to stick a gaslight label on it or DAVRO and play the victim.

This is very simple. You don’t book or plan in the time the children spend with him. If there is a need speak to him first. If you make a mistake apologise for it. Try to make it right without making him out to be the bad guy. At this stage the ship has sailed on the later point. Your daughter will suffer. She is caught between the pair of you and will experience stress, disappointment and guilt. That’s the problem. Until you both agree that shouldn’t happen ever it will continue to happen.

The war of words doesn’t need to be won. Apologise and accept you made a mistake. Try to work towards a neutral co parent situation. That doesn’t create this tension. If that is impossible then you will need to agree a lot of rules and have zero interaction with him and him with you.

Trickabrick · 20/03/2025 07:46

All your updates don’t change the fact you have no right to dictate what he does with them on his contact week. I can’t imagine you’d be happy if he booked stuff for them on your weeks with them. Pick your battles OP but I don’t think its this one!

Harrumphhhh · 20/03/2025 07:47

‘Cancel the club’ is going to be 2025’s ‘cancel the cheque’, isn’t it?

SometimesCalmPerson · 20/03/2025 07:47

I don’t believe he should get equal time as he dropped my eldest as soon as we broke up and I believe my girls should be kept together, and club would be time together.

Then you are wrong. Your children can’t do everything together because they are separate humans with different fathers. Your children can’t shouldn’t be denied time with her Dad because her sister is being clingy. Plenty of children go to clubs without a sister and yours could too. A club is nowhere near as important as maintaining a relationship with a parent.

Original poster
RebeccaSophia · 20/03/2025 07:47

Okay thanks everyone, although some of you could’ve been a bit gentler as this is stressful enough for me! I’ll cancel the clubs, I’ve already apologised to him, and I’ll be more mindful in future. This adjustment time is hard and I booked in the clubs thinking only of what my daughter wanted, if he booked in a club she’d have loved in my time I’d be delighted that he was making her happy, but I know he’s not me. I just want these arguments to stop and for him to stop ignoring me whenever I try to organise! I’m getting so frustrated. As one poster said (can’t find it now) court can’t come soon enough, I just want this over

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 20/03/2025 07:47

You aren’t going to be able to control this in the way you think. If it’s his week it’s his week regardless of whether that spans relatives birthdays/easter. If anything it’s good precedent to start out not taking any responsibility for things that land in his time.

get a calendar for say the next 6month, propose dates that are ‘his’ and ask him to respond accepting/declining/requesting changes by end of March. Then set it in stone until court decides.