Disagreements over school holidays

[RebeccaSophia]

Hello! First time poster please be gentle!

myself and my ex broke up 6 months ago, it wasn’t a clean break. He ended up on bail for harassing me but has since been let off bail with no further action. We have one daughter together, 6.

When we were together he had no interest in plans or organising activities with the children. Now the Easter holidays are coming up, I asked my 2 girls if they wanted to do a club and they both said yes, so I booked them into the same club together for 3 days. I didn’t ask permission as it didn’t even cross my mind that it’s in the week that my ex has our daughter. He has got very angry about this, calling me names and insisting that either he has our daughter for the whole week without letting my mum see her on my mums birthday, not taking her to any clubs or letting me have her for Easter Monday to celebrate Easter with her and her sister together.

Either this, or he will be picking her up as soon as school finishes and taking her for my week, in which time I’ve booked to go on holiday (in the country as he won’t let me take her abroad), meaning that she would completely miss the family holiday.

I’ve tried to offer some adjustments, such as giving him an extra day either side and only asking for the bare minimum time on my mums birthday, however he’s now not even responding to me. I’ve apologised for not considering that the club is eating up his time and said I’ll check with him next time, however he didn’t even acknowledge the apology. He continues to point out that because of the bail he didn’t get to spend Christmas or her birthday with our daughter, which is my fault.

Gaslighting was a frequent occurrence in our relationship. I still struggle to see things, I don’t think I’m being unfair but I can see why he’s angry. AITA? We’re in the process of getting a child arrangements order and I’ve applied for a non-mol as I’m so tired of the aggression and accusations.

@RebeccaSophia Actualy on your updates. .
He has had plenty chance to see his child, he has never had half holidays before why would you or he expect them now .
He is annoyed he ended up on bail so he’s making life harder for you through your Dd.
Moving forward there will be occasions your dd won’t be at family events etc in a few years she will be able to decide for herself where she wants to be . For now I think it’s give him enough rope and he will hang him self.
Once there is no fight he will No doubt get bored.

I think you ex may be unpleasant but you are being unreasonable.

Your other daughter has nothing to do with this, he isn’t her dad and reducing his time so the girls can be together Easter Monday or attend a club together is not going to wash in front of a judge. You need to separate the two in your mind. It sounds unfair but it’s how it is in situations like this

I find it hard to believe that you “accidentally” booked the holiday club for his week since you seem to have all the “special” days burned into your memory. I can’t believe you don’t have some sort of a calendar with the weeks clearly marked, if you don’t then get one.

Yes you should have checked, so it is down to you. Now you need to put it right by cancelling the holiday club for both girls and arranging a joint treat for when it is your week with both of them.

One of you has to start being the responsible parent and realise that weaponising your children is hurting them more than it hurts either of you.

Yabu- his week is his week. Nans birthday and clubs irrelevant. You could swap weeks but as you say you’ve booked a holiday so you are taking both weeks effectively.

Well it was a bit daft if you booked something knowing it was his week. Just because when you were together he left it to you, you are not now together and you have to take account of that.

Get a court order for specific access (include things like your birthday, his birthday, mothers' day, fathers' day, and be specific about holildays, Easter and Christmas) then stick to it and don't book things on his time. Leave that to him.

for this one? make the choice of what he's offered and learn from your mistake.

This thread is harsher than necessary.

He didn't communicate, he didn't confirm he accepted responsibility for that time and you used an opportunity to sort the childcare on those days, because you couldn't trust he would do it (even for one of the girls).

There are many things you will have to adjust to (the girls not being kept together, celebrating birthdays on alternative days), but you are in the transition period, and it's kind of better to have children sorted twice than not at all.

Harsher? possibly. It did open OPs eyes though.

And it was truthful, if brutally so. It's AIBU, what do people expect?

As other posters have pointed out, your updates aren’t event consistent. If he was abusive to your older daughter why would you be angry he doesn’t want to see her now you’ve split? Make your mind up. You can’t compromise or obstruct his relationship with his child because he’s not making an effort with a child who isn’t his.

Your attempts to gain more sympathy are back firing like mad.

You should not book things on his week. I can definitely see why he is upset.

I don’t think you have to be nasty to help people, but I agree that some people need the brutal truth to hear it at all. I don’t consider myself one of those, thankfully though I’ve got thick skin and can see that the majority of you are rightfully standing up for me ex in this situation, even if it could’ve been put in a nicer way. I’m all for equal rights, so I understand that your reactions are emotionally charged and I respect that.

Thank you all for your opinions. I’ve managed to catch up with the ex this morning on the school run and he communicated to me that he’s fine with our dd going to any clubs and seeing my mum for her birthday, he just felt like I was dictating his time, which I apologised for and said that I’ll cancel anything he doesn’t want in his time. We are moving forward and we will be discussing what our daughter would like to do. He also said he’s fine with whatever arrangements I want in future, as long as I keep him informed. I responded with, then respond when I do! lol.

What a mess, the sooner we get arrangements in stone it’ll get easier. Thank you for those who were kind enough to put their thoughts forward in a constructive and caring way, I’m exhausted and just want what’s best for my dd.

and to come back from previous messages, he didn’t say to my oldest that he wants to see her then never asks after her or talks to her, that’s what I have an issue with, not that they no longer have a relationship. I am not trying to smear him, however I can see why you’d see that from the small amount of information you’ve been given.

unfortunately I think I’ll think twice about posting for help again after this!

As hard as it is you need to remove any emotions from this situation. When this goes to court a judge won't be interested in what you want or that your eldest wants to do stuff with her sister. You also can't really complain that he was borderline abusive to your eldest then complain he has dropped her why would you want him near her.
Lots of blended families have to make splitting the time work and it's not up to you to book stuff on his days - I've had to change my sons sport lesson time as it now falls when ex has him.

This!
Either cancel the club (providing they can give you the money back? Or you can use as credit for the same club on a different holiday?), or you'll need to swap the weeks.
You shouldn't have booked clubs for his week, regardless of what you thought he might arrange or not with his DD....

@RebeccaSophia sounds from your update that things have improved. Hope this is just a hiccup and communication is better going forward. It must be so difficult considering everyone’s emotions and needs.

I think if you’d written your OP differently then you’d have got different replies.

eg. We’re waiting for a court date to formalise arrangements for DD. I have been asking ex if he will be taking DD for a week at Easter but he is refusing to respond. I’ve now arranged for her to go to a club for 3 days & he is kicking off because he didn’t agree to it first. How do I deal with a twat like this???

Hi OP. I think some people have been a little harsh here.

I’ve been through exactly the same with my ex - I’d offer a certain week in the school holidays, and he’d either ignore it or say he’d get back to me and then never would. When it got to that week sometimes he’d have him and sometimes he wouldn’t as he ‘hadn’t confirmed’. If I dared book anything in on a week that I’d offered him, he would go mad. I work full time and needed to know well in advance about childcare.

In the end I offered X, Y and Z and said that if I didn’t hear back from him by X date then I would take that to mean he wasn’t having him. I would also do this by email.

When we went to court and he accused me of messing around with contact etc, I then had a paper trail of me offering him dates and him ignoring me. My solicitor said it was a form of control. We then went through court and contact now is laid out very clearly.

I know it’s stressful 😥

I’m so sorry to hear this, yes it sounds very similar. It’s such a frustrating form of control, it’s also very hard to argue with them as they didn’t respond negatively If they didn’t respond! Thank you for weighing in, I hope things are better for you now.

Co-parenting is incredibly difficult and it’s not going to be easy straight away.

It sounds as though you’re doing your best to make it work.

I’m glad you and him have spoken and come to an agreement.

It’s very easy to get into a tit for tat situation but hopefully moving forward you’ll both be more considerate of each others feelings and avoid that.

Well done for taking the advice on board (even if some of it was unnecessarily harsh).

As much as it pains me that DD misses out on so much.. never in a million years would I book an activity or holiday club on her holiday week with her dad. I can't or wouldn't control what he has planned for her in that week. You are being unreasonable in that respect.

You need to use a parent’s app for communication or use a go between absolutely not physical or verbal direct communication

everything he does is abusive and not in your child’s best interests

He sounds horrible, but you shouldn't have organised holiday club for his time.

I would cancel it and tell your DD's that you forgot it was Dad's time with them.

It might seem unfair that you don't get Easter Monday with them but that's the reality of separated parenting. You will miss some special occasions and so will he.

Something which helps in my work (I’m in HR) is to set a deadline. So if you want ex to respond, say something like, ‘I’m planning to take the girls away. Please can you let me know if you’re happy with this? If I don’t hear from you by {X date} then I will take your silence as agreement.’

You will then have documented proof that you asked for a response and he just didn’t get in touch.

I’d message again . Explain that This is all new and as other daughter was going, DD asked if she could and you didn’t think. As she would really like to go, and you acknowledge the importance of spendjng time with her dad, how can we move past this? I’d also ask if he’d like to look at set holidays to split so he could book things for her himself .

He may have been an absuive knob, but you messed up this time. You’d be rightly upset if he booked something during your upcoming holiday.

Personally, I’d let him have your mother’s birthday and Easter. He’ll think he’s got one over on you but at the end of the day, DD goes to the club and you get your holiday.

You need to work out how you can give him the three days if you do want DD to attend the club.

Otherwise it's HIS week. Don't create animosity between DD and her Dad. If he's not a good person she needs to work that out for herself.

Sorry, but this just looks like you felt it being 'his week' doesn't matter. It does. You should have negotiated, and been prepared to accept 'no'.