I’ve lost control over daughter.

BigTumM · 19/03/2025 17:09

She's 7. You need to just take control.

If you tell her she can't have a snack, then she takes one, you tell her to put it right back or there's no dinner. If it was my child, I'd just take it out of their hand too.

If she won't change for you, tell her she's not allowed any snack, TV or whatever she enjoys (computers? Colouring?) until she's changed.

You really need to start implementing consequences. At the moment she has no reason to listen to you as there don't appear to be any consequences for her behavior...

BigTumM · 19/03/2025 17:09

She's 7. You need to just take control.

If you tell her she can't have a snack, then she takes one, you tell her to put it right back or there's no dinner. If it was my child, I'd just take it out of their hand too.

If she won't change for you, tell her she's not allowed any snack, TV or whatever she enjoys (computers? Colouring?) until she's changed.

You really need to start implementing consequences. At the moment she has no reason to listen to you as there don't appear to be any consequences for her behavior...

BigTumM · 19/03/2025 17:09

Sorry don't know why that duplicated

Fishandchipsareyum · 19/03/2025 17:12

Is it adhd or also autism with something like pda ( pathological demand avoidance)

MissyB1 · 19/03/2025 17:15

You haven't lost control, you've given up the control. Make the effort to take it back - and yes it will be bloody hard work, but you have no choice.

CherryBlossom321 · 19/03/2025 17:15

This sounds like equalising behaviour, common in children who fit the pda profile.

bridgetreilly · 19/03/2025 17:16

She has ADHD. It’s no surprise that she acts out at home, after coping through a day at school. Can you rethink how you do the time post-school, so that she has chance to recover before any demands are made on her? For example, giving her snacks, going to the park and letting her run it off, or time in alone at home if that works better?

She does need to learn to listen to you, and also to be kind to her siblings, but you need to work hard at finding the best ways and times to do this.

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:16

She's 7? Are you joking? Christ, stop being such a wet blanket.

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway
You march over to her, take it out of her hand and tell her no means NO.

If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no
You take her by the hand to her room and say get changed right now and stand there until she does.

she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves
Pull her up off the sofa by the hand, say we do NOT kick each other and reinstate her sister to the spot.

she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses
Make her. Pick her up and carry her to her room.

If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else
Say fine. Go to your room if you can't behave nicely.

she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on
Helplessly? Hold that childs hand. Christ sakes.

Ablondiebutagoody · 19/03/2025 17:18

It sounds like you just go along with her defiance. You need to stop doing that

Fishandchipsareyum · 19/03/2025 17:19

CherryBlossom321 · 19/03/2025 17:15

This sounds like equalising behaviour, common in children who fit the pda profile.

I posted about pda too

offyoufuck · 19/03/2025 17:19

Fishandchipsareyum · 19/03/2025 17:12

Is it adhd or also autism with something like pda ( pathological demand avoidance)

No, this is just crap parenting.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 19/03/2025 17:23

Has she suddenly become like this or is this a case of no boundaries / no boundaries being adhered to for many years?
She probably is exhausted after school, but ultimately if she can behave acceptably at school, she can behave acceptably at home, she’s just learned that you’ll not actually make her. Unfortunately, if you’re just starting to ‘say no and mean it’ now, it’s a lot harder than when they’re younger.

There have to be consequences for her poor behaviour but the hugs and cuddles suggest that she also is in need of more positive connection with you. That’s a hard cycle to break. I suggest that you talk with her about the situation when she’s in a cuddly mood - no blame, no shaming, as that won’t help, but a clear ‘when you do x, I feel y’ (e.g. ‘when you run off, I’m scared that you’ll get hit by a car’) then talk about how you can work together to make that better/safer. Pick your battles - maybe leave the snack issue (does it matter if she has one? If it’s because it’s unhealthy, only by healthy things for a while), focus on the violence to her sister and the running across the road. It’s not going to be easy, but you can’t just give up.

OrangeKettle · 19/03/2025 17:24

offyoufuck · 19/03/2025 17:19

No, this is just crap parenting.

Show quote history

Take heed of your own username.

FeistyFrankie · 19/03/2025 17:24

Would tricking her into thinking she has power be an effective strategy OP?

Offer her two choices anytime she wants something. That might help her feel in control still as she is able to take ownership of what she's doing- and it stops things feeling like a constant battle.

Eg - she wants a snack. Offer her two different choices (apple or some cheese, for example), see I'd that helps. If she completely ignores you and takes whatever she wants from the fridge then as ppl have stated - you have to be much firmer with consequences.

DearBee · 19/03/2025 17:25

My DSD, who I highly suspect is neurodivergent, only stopped doing the running off thing at that age after we literally walked off in the opposite direction and removed the attention/ power battle she was craving. Your daughter sounds a step up with not looking at roads. Personally I would threaten to put her on reins - and I would mean it.

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:25

No, this is just crap parenting

This.

There is NEVER any excuse good enough to let a 7 year old run across roads without looking whilst you stand back and uselessly hold your hands in the air.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 19/03/2025 17:25

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:16

She's 7? Are you joking? Christ, stop being such a wet blanket.

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway
You march over to her, take it out of her hand and tell her no means NO.

If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no
You take her by the hand to her room and say get changed right now and stand there until she does.

she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves
Pull her up off the sofa by the hand, say we do NOT kick each other and reinstate her sister to the spot.

she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses
Make her. Pick her up and carry her to her room.

If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else
Say fine. Go to your room if you can't behave nicely.

she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on
Helplessly? Hold that childs hand. Christ sakes.

Though I also agree with most of this too (I’d have been doing this when she was a toddler though!) - it depends whether you can do these quite physical things safely without it becoming a bigger power struggle with a potentially quite strong child. If she’s still small enough that you can do these things without needing to use a lot of force, then I’d do these things alongside what I said before!

BigTumM · 19/03/2025 17:28

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:16

She's 7? Are you joking? Christ, stop being such a wet blanket.

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway
You march over to her, take it out of her hand and tell her no means NO.

If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no
You take her by the hand to her room and say get changed right now and stand there until she does.

she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves
Pull her up off the sofa by the hand, say we do NOT kick each other and reinstate her sister to the spot.

she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses
Make her. Pick her up and carry her to her room.

If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else
Say fine. Go to your room if you can't behave nicely.

she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on
Helplessly? Hold that childs hand. Christ sakes.

All of this.

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:28

theresapossuminthekitchen · 19/03/2025 17:25

Though I also agree with most of this too (I’d have been doing this when she was a toddler though!) - it depends whether you can do these quite physical things safely without it becoming a bigger power struggle with a potentially quite strong child. If she’s still small enough that you can do these things without needing to use a lot of force, then I’d do these things alongside what I said before!

Show quote history

I have a 7.5 year old. A big, tall, sturdy rugby playing boy.

I could still physically control him if needed. Big, tall and strong he may be but he's still 7! And 7 year olds are nowhere near the size of adults.

Meadowfinch · 19/03/2025 17:31

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:16

She's 7? Are you joking? Christ, stop being such a wet blanket.

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway
You march over to her, take it out of her hand and tell her no means NO.

If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no
You take her by the hand to her room and say get changed right now and stand there until she does.

she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves
Pull her up off the sofa by the hand, say we do NOT kick each other and reinstate her sister to the spot.

she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses
Make her. Pick her up and carry her to her room.

If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else
Say fine. Go to your room if you can't behave nicely.

she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on
Helplessly? Hold that childs hand. Christ sakes.

This. Don't be so bloody limp. How are you going to cope with her as a teen? You need to take back control, set clear boundaries and do not allow her to behave like this

WeeOrcadian · 19/03/2025 17:31

OP, what are the consequences when she behaves like this?

It doesn't sound like you've lost control, it sounds like you don't try to manage her behaviour, enforce boundaries or discipline her when she acts out. There is a difference.

Emanresuunknown · 19/03/2025 17:32

joiningdave · 19/03/2025 16:54

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway.
If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no.
she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves.
she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses. If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else.
she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on. She is so pleased with herself when she point blank refuses to do as she’s asked and looks so smug, even telling me I can’t make her.
I have completely lost control of her and so exhausted if I didn’t have other children who are well behaved I would have given her up, she’s just too challenging for me and I’m not cut out for a kid like this, she’s making our lives miserable and I’m not coping with her. Then she will suddenly be all loving and cuddly after.
she is the middle child of 3 girls and is 7 with ADHD
and like a lot of ADHD children she’s perfectly well behaved at school but within minutes of her coming home I feel drained and depleted.

At 7 if my child was pushing their sibling off the sofa the way you describe I'd march over and haul them off the sofa myself to stop them doing that and allow their sibling back where they were sat. And if I'd said no to something from the fridge I would remove it from their hand if they took it.
This is not a 14 year old the same size as you this is a child. Are you just standing there helplessly looking on while they physically bully their sibling?!

RitaAndFrank · 19/03/2025 17:33

I thought she was a teenager when I started reading. I thought ‘oh dear it’s probably getting too late to start disciplining her now’. Then I read that she was 7. Come on, op… this is going to be a nightmare if you don’t get a grip now.

Original poster

joiningdave · 19/03/2025 17:35

I have always given consequences for her behaviour, she isn’t bothered by any of it and just smirks. She is strong and if I take her to bed, she’ll follow me down and we’ll be up and down. I take things away and she does kick and scream but I never give in. I would probably also be saying poor parenting if she wasn’t my child but I have 3 children and the other 2 are perfectly well behaved but they are different people and strategies that worked for 2 don’t for her.

OP posts:

ThejoyofNC · 19/03/2025 17:35

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:16

She's 7? Are you joking? Christ, stop being such a wet blanket.

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway
You march over to her, take it out of her hand and tell her no means NO.

If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no
You take her by the hand to her room and say get changed right now and stand there until she does.

she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves
Pull her up off the sofa by the hand, say we do NOT kick each other and reinstate her sister to the spot.

she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses
Make her. Pick her up and carry her to her room.

If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else
Say fine. Go to your room if you can't behave nicely.

she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on
Helplessly? Hold that childs hand. Christ sakes.

Completely agree.

Words clearly aren't working.