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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve lost control over daughter.

107 replies

joiningdave · 19/03/2025 16:54

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway.
If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no.
she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves.
she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses. If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else.
she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on. She is so pleased with herself when she point blank refuses to do as she’s asked and looks so smug, even telling me I can’t make her.
I have completely lost control of her and so exhausted if I didn’t have other children who are well behaved I would have given her up, she’s just too challenging for me and I’m not cut out for a kid like this, she’s making our lives miserable and I’m not coping with her. Then she will suddenly be all loving and cuddly after.
she is the middle child of 3 girls and is 7 with ADHD
and like a lot of ADHD children she’s perfectly well behaved at school but within minutes of her coming home I feel drained and depleted.

OP posts:
Arraminta · 03/09/2025 11:02

BlumminFreezin · 19/03/2025 17:25

No, this is just crap parenting

This.

There is NEVER any excuse good enough to let a 7 year old run across roads without looking whilst you stand back and uselessly hold your hands in the air.

Quite. When I was working in schools I never had any problem getting arsey 16 year old boys to do as they were bloody told. I'd eat an arsey 7 year old for breakfast!

The OL hasn't lost control, she's just rolled over and given it up.

Hankunamatata · 03/09/2025 11:07

Does she take medication

Arraminta · 03/09/2025 11:11

Sorry just seen the DD has ADHD? Ignore me.

Bikergran · 03/09/2025 11:13

She's probably working/masking really hard to be "perfectly behaved at school" so by the time she gets home she needs to blow her top. How about some kind of vigorous physical after-school activity (swimming, gymnastics, trampolining) so she can burn some of this off? Maybe sit down and say this to her, she may not even realise herself why she's doing this. Try hugging her when she's being a pain. Good luck.

Jess13224 · 03/09/2025 11:20

Your attitude about giving up is definitely seen by her even if you think it's not, often middle childs feel neglected in comparison to there siblings and can act out. This could be a form of attention seeking, you need to take control but also show compassion to her, take her for mother and daughter days out just you 2 alone.

Taking control at first may be difficult as she is probably used to getting away without punishment but you need to be persistent.

EasternStandard · 03/09/2025 11:50

SleepQuest33 · 20/03/2025 07:34

People who don’t have children with ADHD don’t realise that the usual behaviour strategies simply don’t work!

I get it OP. Try and find a course, local or online, about dealing with ADHD, it did help me.

DS is now a young adult, but things we’ve done over the years which have helped:
we don’t buy snacks, treats are only for Saturday and or Sunday and they are earned

lots of physical exercise

when behaving well, show a huge amount of attention, smiles, laugh, dance, etc

when calm, show lots of love, strong hugs, so that they feel secure

when not behaving don’t react or give too much attention, any attention even negative is what they want

however, there needs to be a consequence for all type of negative behaviour, it needs to be something you can control, but you need to be very consistent

don’t give your kids crap processed food with sweetners, etc

good luck and don’t give up! I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel!

No experience with adhd but this sounds like good advice.

I’d work on all the stuff you mention but does she really have to get out of uniform? Sounds like more struggle, I’m not sure why it’s important.

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