I’ve lost control over daughter.

[joiningdave]

She doesn’t listen to a word I say, if I say she can’t have something to eat until after dinner she’ll look at me with disgust and take it out the fridge and eat it anyway.
If I ask her to get changed out of her school uniform she ignores me or says no.
she has to have the seat she wants on the sofa and if her sister sits there she’ll squeeze in behind her and kick her in the back until she moves.
she won’t go to bed when told, just refuses. If she is asked to pass something she’ll say no ask someone else.
she doesn’t walk nicely home from school and will run off crossing roads without looking leaving me helplessly calling her name to stop while she carries on. She is so pleased with herself when she point blank refuses to do as she’s asked and looks so smug, even telling me I can’t make her.
I have completely lost control of her and so exhausted if I didn’t have other children who are well behaved I would have given her up, she’s just too challenging for me and I’m not cut out for a kid like this, she’s making our lives miserable and I’m not coping with her. Then she will suddenly be all loving and cuddly after.
she is the middle child of 3 girls and is 7 with ADHD
and like a lot of ADHD children she’s perfectly well behaved at school but within minutes of her coming home I feel drained and depleted.

Bore off.

I have multiple things going on. Hush yer flaps.

If she’s easier and happier on the weekends I suspect a lot of this acting out is because she is overwhelmed and in sensory overload after school. I would meet her way school with specific snacks that she can get and eat as she walks home safely. My kids can be really hugry (hangry!) after school. Once home, no more snacks until dinner. Hide them high, lock the fridge.

Specifically engage her in something calm and give her some control of that. However counterproductive it might be. If f she is ND, she has worked very hard to be controlled and behave while at school. This is her home, her safe space to have meltdowns.

Does she have her own room or does she share?

Hush your own 🙂

”Very ND” 😂

Can you go like very very low attention with her and literally praise only for the good stuff. And treat her quite literally like a toddler, fridge and cupboard locks, wrist strap for walking, baby gate on her bedroom door. And maybe try and get a referral for meds for her ADHD. At 7/8 is when most of the kids I worked with with ADHD started meds. Hormones might even be kicking in

7? Sorry, but you need to get a grip and STOP her from eating/kicking etc

I’m also a teacher and my son has AuDHD traits (not diagnosed but family history) and I think this is very good advice. His difficult behaviour is often sensory/attention-seeking - he absolutely thrives with plenty of physical contact (hugs, strokes, sitting snuggled up) but can be extremely annoying to his brother when seeking this physical contact. We didn’t ever just send him to bed at 7 (only once he was about 12!), we’d go up and supervise bedtime and stroke him to sleep (changes falling asleep from a hour of struggle to a few minutes).

You are dealing with an ND child. Pick one thing, forget the rest, for now, work on that one thing, until you have nailed it, then move on to the next thing.

Prioritise. Involve. Ignore.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, what works for NT won’t work as well for ND.

I agree with this approach. She is 7. If you can't make her behave now it will get worse with age. If she likes TV say once you've changed out of uniform you can have TV. If she refuses, no TV. You have to gain the parent roll.

I disagree with @BlumminFreezin

I think you need to lay down the line but some people don't get how stubborn some kids are. DD used to refuse to leave the house around age 5 and on here I got a lot of 'she's the child, make her' stuff but it's not physically possible. She'd kick, scream, scratch, and not give in.

I'd impose consequences but not physical ones. So TV goes off if she won't move on sofa. No dinner if she takes snack when you say no. Remove treats if she misbehaves on road etc.

DD also needs time to cool off, sometimes she needs to fume for a while then you can sort it if you time it right. Up til then there's zero point trying.

I love how easy some people think it is
I have a 19 year old with ADHD ASD he actually has PDA
A 12 yr old son suspected adhd and a 9 year old with suspected adhd
My 9 year old would do some of that but if I tried to pick her up she would be throwing fists kicking screaming banging and it wouldn’t be a 10 minute tantrum it will go on for hours
she also hardly sleeps
I try to ignore the bad behaviour and overly praise the good behaviour
I try to anyway I wish it was that easy
so I feel for you Op is your child medicated could that be a way
Could your daughter could be masking at school
we think this is the issue with my child
As the school see no problems with her

This!
The explosive child book helped me with it. And also while you are working through behaviours one at a time (I’d do violence and maybe running away then sleep) make meals very very easy so you and DH can focus all your attention on parenting. And take turns for each parent letting loose at night. It is as intensive as potty training. If you’re dropping the snack issue while you work on violence, pre discuss that you will fix it later so it isn’t confusing

Try building in more rewards, and also practical solutions like a lockbox or fridge lock on the food she takes. My DC who's like that is only 4, but we do a lot of rewards that can be taken away. For example, if he doesn't behave appropriately at the table then he doesn't get the TV show afterwards. Getting into trouble can be exciting and give a dopamine hit. You need a reward that replaces that feeling. Also if you can't get to the snacks then you don't have to resist the urge to take them after resisting your impulses all day.

It is hard, OP. I sympathise with that worn out feeling.

I read and understand all of the advice around being firm but if your child is anything like mine, the slightest hint of a parenting demand usually results in an explosive meltdown of many hours. We persevere but it’s so, so hard. It’s parenting in a different realm!

How is her behaviour in school? If she is acting this way only at home, look at ways you can invoke a routine to take away some of the battles - for example snacks can be offered/laid out ready for them after school. Fridge lock so she can't just help herself. TV time only once she has changed out of her uniform, have her comfy clothes already laid out to change into. TV goes off at bedtime, take her upstairs and have a routine - shower, teeth brushing, stories, bed. Don't argue, persuade or engage, just reiterate it's bedtime now and repeat as many times as necessary. You need to be prepared to stick to your guns and be persistent until she realises you're not backing down.

I would have zero tolerance of any kicking/hitting of her siblings - you need to nip this in the bud before she gets older and stronger. Time out in another room, removal of TV time or tablet or whatever is of high value to her. You say she's not bothered by removal of privileges but remember just because she doesn't show it, it will still register.

I think with ADHD you have to have a reliable routine and a calm consistent approach. You will have to be firm and persistent - you can't give up and let her have her own way. It's your job to parent no matter how hard it is. If you feel you need more support, ask your GP for a referral to child psychology. Read up on parenting for ADHD for helpful strategies.

Is she medicated?
If not why not?

This is usually good advice for most DCs but terrible advice (apart from the last point) if op's DD has pathological demand avoidance PDA, which could be the case as she is ND.

Op have a look through this website and see if you recognise your dd
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda/autism-and-pda/
And search on mn as it's been mentioned quite recently.

OP I feel you, I really do. I have a very similar DC and it's exhausting. I do think you need to regain some control to make yourself feel better and the pp is right, taking things off her, physically removing her if she kicks sibling etc.

It feels like a constant battle i know that all too well but perhaps she needs a new after school routine? Some connection with you?

Op this sounds like it could be dopamine seeking behaviours, esp since its mostly after school. She spends all day working to stay on track at school and feels like you're her safe place. Unfortunately for you and her siblings her trying to regulate and rebalance is coming out in ways that aren't kind or safe, because the reaction is what is feeding her. Obviously easier said than done, but maybe under reacting to the naughtiness might help? As others have said it also fits the PDA profile so definitely look into that.

Go to the PDA website and look up the PANDA strategies.

The books 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and The Explosive Child also have good strategies.

Simply becoming more authoritarian with a child like this is unlikely to work.

Yes, I would absolutely do this. Reins on the very next time after she bolts if you can’t hold her hand or wrist. Remove snacks she’s not allowed to have and put a lock on the fridge if needed. Physically remove her after she kicks her sibling on the sofa.

Underrating??? So the sibling just gets kicked repeatedly? No.

Underreacting, that should read.

I came to say the same thing. I do this with my 6 year old with adhd. It works.
However, I could be reading your post wrong but do you take the snack back, do you remove her from the seat, do you force her to hold your hand until she has shown she can be trusted? Unfortunately it is draining but you need to do it. Now. Because the issues will.onky grow as she gets older if when she pushes back you don't follow through with a consequence.
I would also say straight after school is outside play, or an indoor active game straight away with a snack. Consider having a snack to eat on the way home from school.

What is this? My son acts like this but I’ve never heard of equalising behaviour

I’m not saying I totally disagree with those people saying pick battles, focus on one issue only, try using low demand strategies etc.

But, some of these issues have to be dealt with immediately and there’s no time to faff about. Like running across the road. And kicking her sister repeatedly. No child should be just running across a road. It’s dangerous for many people. Not only could the child get hurt she could cause an accident which could hurt or even kill someone else if a driver was to swerve. This has to be dealt with immediately. And kicking her sister repeatedly isn’t a good way for her sister to grow up. It could permanently ruin the relationship between the mother and daughter if the daughter feels she’s not being helped or ever prioritised. No one should be physically hurt on a regular basis especially in their own home where they should be safe.