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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 13yoDD is addicted to shopping...

77 replies

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 10:06

Hello everybody,
My DD (13) is a shopaholic. I am not proud to admit this. She has a specific aesthetic that she decorates her room in that she spends massive amounts of money on/to maintain (buying PC/setup stuff, anime figures, decorations, building collections etc.) She doesn't spend most of this on clothes (she thrifts most of her clothes,) but XP is absolutely spoiling her with stuff whenever she asks. She has poor mental health with i'd rather not go into and some issues as well but will absolutely not respond to therapy so she numbs the pain with buying things. Her room is never 'done', there's always something to buy. I don't buy anything for her but XP enables it (we're divorced, there's troubles in our communcation; we have different parenting styles.) She has no friends, no connections, we've enrolled her in tons of hobbies/after school stuff/clubs but no connections there either. Shopping/buying/collecting is the one thing that seems to make her happy. AIBU for really not knowing what to do. Please help. Thank you.

OP posts:
ByEdgyPeer · 19/03/2025 11:10

Is she getting into debt or stealing to fund her shopping? Is she buying so much that her room is full and a fire hazard?

If the answer to both of those is no, I wouldn't do anything, if it makes her happy, leave her to it.

Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:16

@ByEdgyPeer No to both but she doesn't use her own money for it. It comes out of our pockets.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 19/03/2025 12:18

Well, as you’ve said, she’s responding to an unstable environment. Does she actually see her dad, spend quality time with him?

Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:19

@Ddakji Yes. She spends quite a bit of time with him (1 week him/1 week me).

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 19/03/2025 12:20

Is she a shop-a-holic or is she a collector?

It's not YOUR pocket though, it's your XP's and they are happy to spend it

Unless she is using all her money and then complaining or her room is a hazard then leave it

You come off jealous of how your XP spoils her if its not a hazard and not causing her to do illegal things

Josiezu · 19/03/2025 12:24

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:16

@ByEdgyPeer No to both but she doesn't use her own money for it. It comes out of our pockets.

How does it come from your pocket?
At 13 she should have a small amount of disposable pocket money to use and understand money, if she chooses to spend that on things for her room that’s her choice.
You don’t need to approve of her spending, she could be spending it on alcohol or worse!

If her dad is giving her extra money that’s on him.

Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:25

@Josiezu She doesn't receive pocket money after an incident with spending a few years ago. She can ask for money from one of us, and then we can discuss it.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 19/03/2025 12:31

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:25

@Josiezu She doesn't receive pocket money after an incident with spending a few years ago. She can ask for money from one of us, and then we can discuss it.

An incident with spending when she was what, 10? 11? What could she have been buying that caused an incident, surely she was supervised?

So she’s never going to get pocket money again to help her learn the value of money? Right now she asks for money and you/your ex gives it to her, how is that a solution?

takealettermsjones · 19/03/2025 12:32

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:25

@Josiezu She doesn't receive pocket money after an incident with spending a few years ago. She can ask for money from one of us, and then we can discuss it.

You can still impose limits on it. E.g. tell her that you will only agree to her spending a maximum of X per month, and then when she asks for something, you can say okay but that will mean you only have Y left this month, do you still want it? Etc.

Starlight1984 · 19/03/2025 12:34

So she has to use her own pocket money for clothes?! Seriously?! At 13?!

Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:35

@loropianalover I didn't say that we just give it to her. We need to discuss it first. Also its mostly XP doing this, not me. Not sure what you want me to propose we do instead...

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 19/03/2025 12:36

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:35

@loropianalover I didn't say that we just give it to her. We need to discuss it first. Also its mostly XP doing this, not me. Not sure what you want me to propose we do instead...

Say no! From the sounds of it, your version of discussing it is to talk about it, then give her everything she wants.

takealettermsjones · 19/03/2025 12:36

Also, it's difficult to say without knowing what the "aesthetic"/collection item is, but could you think of other ways for her to indulge this hobby and explore them together? E.g. if she's artistic, could she paint, sculpt, embroider things to do with it? Is it something she could turn into volunteering e.g. does she have particular skills she could teach to a local brownie group or similar? If it's gaming or reading or creative writing, are there groups she can join, either in person or virtually?

Josiezu · 19/03/2025 12:36

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:25

@Josiezu She doesn't receive pocket money after an incident with spending a few years ago. She can ask for money from one of us, and then we can discuss it.

Years ago? You banned your 13 year old from having pocket money based on something they happen when she was 9/10?

You don’t buy the stuff for her, you don’t give her any spending money so non of it is coming from you. If her dad chooses to get her gifts or let her pick something she wants that’s his decision as her other parent.

LastHeraldMage · 19/03/2025 12:38

Does she have a budget she's allowed to spend?

DeliasMyth · 19/03/2025 12:39

Anime, no friends, no connections, obsessive shopping - is she autistic?

faerietales · 19/03/2025 12:39

What do you mean it comes from your pocket? Why can’t you say no?

Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:40

@DeliasMyth Yup.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:40

@faerietales I do. XP doesn't.

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 19/03/2025 12:41

It's tricky because if your ex is happy to fund it (and you step back from it) then it doesn't really hurt you.

But at the same time it is teaching her to fill the emotional void with shopping and quick dopamine hits. People like this who do it to a compulsive level end up being shoplifters and/or hoarders.

You have some control right now as she is a child so I really would be trying to do everything I could to stop this before she reached adulthood and it ruins her life.

It sounds like she has quite a compulsive personality, I had the same as a child (and now). I had no money available so my obsession became library books and reading. Luckily Kindle was invented and I can read without filling my house with books or spending a fortune.

I wonder if you could slowly steer her towards a free and harmless "happy brain" outlet whilst also showing her the consequences. TV shows about hoarders impacted me a lot actually.

Your ex doesn't sound like he will help or understand how serious this is so I think you need to tackle it slowly and a bit sneakily. Make her feel 100% supported by you because any resistance on your part will make her dig her heels in. But you can still set healthy boundaries, e.g "sorry darling, I can't afford that because I need to pay this bill".
Said breezily with no shaming of what she wants the money for.

And then repeat, repeat, repeat.

Edit: sorry I just saw you already tell her no. This comment took me ages to write as the door went lol.

PlanetOtter · 19/03/2025 12:42

Whats your exact concern? Is it that she’s doing this to the exclusion of other hobbies / friends, is it that she’s not learning the value of money, or is it that she’s wasting your DP’s money?

Get to the bottom of that and an answer might be easier .

Original poster
AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:44

@PlanetOtter A mixture of it all, honestly.

OP posts:
DeliasMyth · 19/03/2025 12:46

AnythingMumsXX · 19/03/2025 12:40

@DeliasMyth Yup.

Ok, then you have to approach it via that lens.

She's presumably quite a vulnerable person. I would talk to her about shopping being her specialist interest and how that is fine in principle but when she's an adult she needs to learn what she can afford. It would be silly to buy a rare poster and then not pay the rent, for example.

I would sit down with her and give her a monthly budget and different categories of expenditure:

Essential - sanpro, deodorant, shampoo
Useful - snacks, clothes
Fun money - anime stuff

Do you think her dad will be on board with teaching her some financial know how? Just early steps?

RainbowZebraWarrior · 19/03/2025 12:47

DeliasMyth · 19/03/2025 12:39

Anime, no friends, no connections, obsessive shopping - is she autistic?

I was going to say this. Sounds like my 13 year old Autistic and ADHD daughter. The obsessive shopping or acquisition of the next anime figurine is all about the dopamine hit.

HuffleMyPuffle · 19/03/2025 12:48

It's not your concern what XP spends his money on

You can still teach her the value of money from your house

Collecting is a hobby and you should use that to try and link her to others who share similar. Maybe take her to some Expos for example