My 13yoDD is addicted to shopping...

[AnythingMumsXX]

Hello everybody,
My DD (13) is a shopaholic. I am not proud to admit this. She has a specific aesthetic that she decorates her room in that she spends massive amounts of money on/to maintain (buying PC/setup stuff, anime figures, decorations, building collections etc.) She doesn't spend most of this on clothes (she thrifts most of her clothes,) but XP is absolutely spoiling her with stuff whenever she asks. She has poor mental health with i'd rather not go into and some issues as well but will absolutely not respond to therapy so she numbs the pain with buying things. Her room is never 'done', there's always something to buy. I don't buy anything for her but XP enables it (we're divorced, there's troubles in our communcation; we have different parenting styles.) She has no friends, no connections, we've enrolled her in tons of hobbies/after school stuff/clubs but no connections there either. Shopping/buying/collecting is the one thing that seems to make her happy. AIBU for really not knowing what to do. Please help. Thank you.

TBH it sounds like your daughter has bigger problems than spending your ex's money.

I'd really concentrate on helping her make a friend/ get a connection with someone her own age.

Did she have friends at primary school?

@zoemum2006 A few, but never hung out with any outside of school. She had a best friend who we now have zero contact with. She's really sad about it.

You can’t control what your ex does so I wouldn’t even factor that into anything. You just have to do the best you can to teach her self-control etc. from your own house.

I’d try to teach the value of money in your house. If you do the washing up then you get 50p, walk the dog get £1 and so on. So that she can ‘earn’ pocket money.

What your ex buys her isn’t something you can control - I’d leave that between the two of them.

Maybe enforce one out of school activity if you can? Or at least one night technology free where she can’t online shop etc.

@isthesolution We've tried after school weekend stuff etc. She just gets depressed because she can't make any connections there. I can keep trying but I don't know how effective it can be.

I could do the 50p/£1 thing but I do feel a bit bad about it considering how expensive figures actually are it might not make any kind of difference at all...

That is really sad. So she would like a friend?

Is there anyone she could invite over? You could stick around for a bit and help her model what to do if she's not that used to it.

If there isn't anyone you could help her make a list of where she could find friends. Shared interests are a good place to start: so at a hobby (dance class etc.) or an after school club?

@zoemum2006 The thing is I think she likes the idea of having a friend but her personal time is really important to her so she doesn't consider anyone important enough to see in her own time. I know she gets jealous when she sees best friends etc but she just doesn't like anyone enough to get to know them better.

Exactly. What is the problem.

Is your daughter autistic? It may be worth seeking support from organisations like Autism UK (or CAMHS if you can get a referral).

@Viviennemary I'm scared she's not facing bad emotions and instead covering them up with shopping and material stuff. She only seems to care about material things.

You need to reinstate pocket money and massively reduce just buying whatever for her and you really need to try to get your ex on board with that. That's how kids learn to manage money, by having their own weekly or monthly 'income' to learn the lessons with. Just feeding her addiction by buying indefinitely teaches her nothing other than unhealthy coping mechanisms.
As a tweak to the above advise about watching Hoarders, I'd suggest Sort Your Life Out instead for her. I don't think she'd recognise herself in the Hoarders hoarders but might see it within the people on SYLO where the shopping issue may be more relatable.

That is quite unusual. Is that connected to her mental health issues or do you think her MH has been negatively affected by the lack of connection?

If it's the latter she may have to grin and bear showing interest in others for the greater good. Sometimes we have to remember to ask people questions/ remember things about them etc. to be a good friend.

It comes easier to some people than others but we can all get better at it.

@zoemum2006 I think she's just an introvert.

No, that’s not introversion. My oldest DD is introverted and quite reserved but she likes her friends (her introversion means she needs a chilled day after a meet up to recover).

TBH your daughter does sound neurodivergent which can make making/ keeping friends more challenging but not impossible.

You’re getting a lot of good advice on here. I do think you might have more luck speaking with a GP or the school to see what they think about DD’s ways. I know people hate labels but sometimes knowing what’s going on with DD will help you to understand more.

I know you said it’s hard to communicate with XP but maybe say in best interest of DD there should be a joint pocket money limit, as you feel that DD is obsessed with buying things to cover her mindset and sometimes that isn’t helping.

@zoemum2006 My DD gets on better with boys generally; she's an only child and at an all-girls school. Most of her friends in her old school were boys too because her hobbies are more 'boyish' but her very best friend was a girl. Again, I just think she doesn't think the other people in this current school are good enough for her time.

I think starting a monthly allowance would be good. Can you suggest to your ex too? And when it’s gone, it’s gone. Whatever you consider a reasonable amount is, maybe £25 each? That’s quite a lot of disposable income for a 13 year old. Enough to buy stuff but if she needs to save up it won’t take her forever to do so. I do this with my teens and it seems to work well albeit one is a spender and one a saver. And no subbing!

@AnythingMumsXX
i think that firstly, as a pp mentioned start talking about what are essential material acquisitions, which ones useful even if not essential and which ones are fun and pleasurable.
I understand the worry around the ASD, but as you will know you can’t judge her by NT standards. I don’t think the way she is now is necessarily indicative of how she will behave in the future, and even if she may be behaving like a shopaholic, with her ASD, I’d question whether it’s the same mechanism at play, or more a “special interest” which unfortunately happens to be costly. However, should this special interest pass she may become attached to something completely different.

Friendships outside of already custom built frameworks such as school are hard work to maintain and require a lot of energy.
I think that at this stage, as a 13 year old, becoming aware of herself, the type of friendship she might like, both now and in the future is a good step forward. It may differ from the type of friendship she sees around her, and will be different to that of a younger preteen child.
You say you think that she is somewhat aware that friendships take time away from personal downtime. I know that’s the case in my family. It’s an important realisation and one which will be good for her self esteem in the long run.
Rather than not understanding why she hasn’t many friends she will understand that the down time she needs, away from other people, means that she might not have as much time or energy as others to dedicate to other people. That’s fine too.

WTF so a few years ago meaning when she was 10yo?

Of course she’s spending her parents money, she’s 13yo who has not been allowed to have pocket money for a “few” years because of the way she spent it at 10yo. But seriously, if it is her money she should be allowed to spend it as she pleases.

My DDs 7, 11 & 13 have pocket money and I do not police what they spend it on. They have an abundance of what I would consider crap but it’s what they like and it makes them happy. I’d actually be extremely happy if they spent it on their bedrooms as that is a great life lesson that they need to take care of their space themselves.

My DDs do spend money on bits for their rooms occasionally but only if they really want something specific, otherwise it’s my job as their parent to provide a suitably decorated bedroom.

i notice you seem to be ok if she spent the money on clothes…do you value your image above other things and not happy your daughter dosnt?

It sounds like your DDs room is her sanctuary, why shouldn’t she be able to make it the way she wants it.

You actually sound very down on your DD and I can promise you she knows how you feel about her and this will not only be having a negative effect on her now but will continue into adulthood where she may decide you aren’t worth having a relationship with.

Would it helped if she went to a mixed school? Is that an option?

I think it's not the shopping, per se. She sounds obsessed with collecting the stuff. That's pretty normal ASD behaviour. Honestly I think I would have the conversation about spending but wait it out, because that's her joy at the moment and I don't think you're going to explain it out of her.

Say it's anime, just as an example, get colouring books and do them with her, frame the finished pictures. Take her charity shopping to find related things like a treasure hunt. Her hobby will be all consuming, so you need to find ways of participating with that in a less materialistic way. It's not a complete answer, but I don't think it's spending money that's the problem, she's just caught up in something that makes her feel like she belongs. I wouldn't want to take that away.

I propose you stop focusing on the wrong thing and stop calling it a ‘shopping addiction’. She’s not even got any money to spend! She’s a lover of a certain collectible/figurine and your ex offers to buy them for her, what teenage girl (or adult!) would say no?!

Your actual concern is her lack of friendships. If she’s into this anime stuff can’t you or her dad bring her to expo’s, cons, events, comic book stores or wherever they sell this stuff? Art classes? Would she ever sell a few duplicate or less important figurines at markets?

I really don’t understand the focus on taking away her pocket money for years (poor girl!) so she has to ask every time she wants something worth five quid. It sounds like you’re hoping she’ll give up on these collectibles and ‘fit in’ with the girls at school.

@loropianalover Some figures are worth over £100+ and thats cheap for them (most of them, actually, are over £200 or £300.) It isn't a five quid situation.

Did I miss something about her having ASD?

Collecting is pretty normal and I don’t think being a collector always equates to ASD. We are a family of collectors, one dd likes anime and has a few bits but not a huge amount, another dd likes a particularly genre and has an abundance of collectors items, her collection has been largely made up from unboxing mine and DHs old stuff we collected pre kids and packed away, we are happy for her to add to it. Our youngest collects princess Funkopops as 7yos do because her older sisters have their own Funkopops so she wanted the same and obviously princesses were what appealed to her.

No ASD involved, just 3 kids who have inherited their parents love of certain things. Too be honest we didn’t give them much choice in some areas 😂

Some of our collections include:

Genre specific merchandise and collectors items, science fiction, anime, fantasy…
Christmas baubles from every holiday, country we have visited
Fridge magnets from every holiday, country we have visited
Artwork, home furnishings from countries we have visited
Autographs from celebrities we have met
DH also has a collection of rare books
concert, theatre, ballet programmes and T-shirts

I know a lady who has a rare collection of Clarice Cliff, her DD also collects pottery, can’t remember what specifics though. My old boss collected whiskey, especially rare whiskey from around the world.

@familyissues12345 That is not an option sadly.