My 13yoDD is addicted to shopping...

[AnythingMumsXX]

Hello everybody,
My DD (13) is a shopaholic. I am not proud to admit this. She has a specific aesthetic that she decorates her room in that she spends massive amounts of money on/to maintain (buying PC/setup stuff, anime figures, decorations, building collections etc.) She doesn't spend most of this on clothes (she thrifts most of her clothes,) but XP is absolutely spoiling her with stuff whenever she asks. She has poor mental health with i'd rather not go into and some issues as well but will absolutely not respond to therapy so she numbs the pain with buying things. Her room is never 'done', there's always something to buy. I don't buy anything for her but XP enables it (we're divorced, there's troubles in our communcation; we have different parenting styles.) She has no friends, no connections, we've enrolled her in tons of hobbies/after school stuff/clubs but no connections there either. Shopping/buying/collecting is the one thing that seems to make her happy. AIBU for really not knowing what to do. Please help. Thank you.

So?

My DD saved up her money, haggled with a buyer on vinted and bought a limited edition Funkopop for £85. She bought it with the intention of taking it to a comic con (we paid for) and have it autographed by the Hollywood actress who played that character. The autograph was £80, the Funkopop is now worth over £300 if she was to sell it, which she won’t. She now has 2 Funkopops signed by this one actress.

For Christmas we bought another Funkopop and sent it away to be signed to add to her collection.

There are far worse things so could be spending her money on.

Is that the case though, or is she just really into anime?
How do you know she is jealous of people who have friendships?

If she's autistic, therapy to boost self confidence or talk about feelings isn't really going to have the sort of effect it would have on a NT teen, and after school activities are not going to help either.

Do you fully accept your daughter as she is?

How much coaching or therapy or support have you sought for yourself so that you can understand how to parent her?

Kids go through phases. This may just be a phase. The more you hate kids' phases, the stronger they hold on to them!

And if she is ND, I wonder if you're judging her against an NT child?

Maybe a complete reset is needed.

You stop feeling worried about it all. Embrace it. Show enthusiasm. Get into with her. Stop worrying about the friends thing. See how that goes for a few months.

If it doesn't change how you feel about it all time to reevaluate.

To me this situation would totally depend on how sustainable it is, and how she reacts when she is unable to have what she wants .
When mine started to desire things like expensive skincare and designer trainers, I tried to promote the idea of a Saturday job. They wanted the stuff enough to consider a little job as a positive when they were old enough, and their jobs came with endless ‘lifeskills’ benefits, useful lessons about financial management, and social opportunities. So ultimately fairly positive but 13 is obviously too young to find a job, and definitely one that would support a hobby this expensive.

Does your DD move between your and XP's homes on a weekly basis? If so, might that be a factor in her focus on "perfecting" her room, presumably you mean her room at your home? If she is swapping homes, what's her room at XP's place like?

@Randomusername4 She's perfecting it for XP's home - she's not focused on my place for now. The situation (divorce) is relatively new as well.

So it’s not even in your house?

Your Ex is supporting his DDs need for her room to be a certain way in HIS house?

Why exactly is this any of your concern?

@AliceMcK I'm just worried her spending may limit her future skills in life and social scenarios as well.

She’s not spending. She hasn’t got pocket money for years.

Her dad spoils her/buys her this stuff. Of course she doesn’t understand the value of a pound, because she’s not got pocket money to learn about it? If her dad is offering to spoil her and buy her collectibles that she loves, why would she say no??

She isn't spending anything though, because her pocket money was stopped. She has no ability to spend anything, or currently to lean any future financial life skills. It's your ex who is spending, for things that live at his house.
It feels like you're focusing on the wrong things here.

You’re worried her father spending money on things his daughter wants for her bedroom in his home is limiting her future skills in life?
….
do you think your separation is clouding your judgement here?
Are you jealous he has more to spend on her?
Are you worried that will sway a teenagers opinion?

This

Your response dose not make sense, it sounds like your blaming a child for…. I actually don’t know what 🤷‍♀️

Your daughter is being a totally normal 13yo, your the one who needs to look at the way your behaving towards her.

If her daughter is autistic (she is) and is using shopping as a dopamine hit/special interest that isn't "a totally normal 13 yo" - the scale of focus and dependence will be very different.

Parent's concern in this case is reasonable.

There is absolutely no suggestion of the girl being autistic.

Also we all get dopamine hits when we do things we like, I did a bargin shop at The Range today, arrived just after they filled a bunch of shelves with clearance items, I’m still on my high, I’m not autistic, just happy I got some nice things I’d needed for a while at a fraction of the full retail price.

My DH gets a dopamine hit when his football team scores or wins.

Not everything is related to ND🙄

When love is measured by things and money is a replacement for love.

Good luck.

You didn't read the thread, did you? OP confirms her daughter is autistic on page 1.

Not everything is related to ND, no.
However, this is .

Errmmm I think you need to recheck, I’ve just read through OPs posts, again as I did before posting. There is nothing about OPs DD being autistic, there is reference to mental health issues, not having friends, preferring the company of boys, op even states she thinks her DD is “just an introvert” nothing about Autism, especially in the first page as you state. If I’m wrong I’m happy for you to show me where OP states this.

Take her money off her

Have you read the thread?

I think even with nd there have to be limits, or at least more accessible outlets for fulfillment for teens, as facilitating very expensive desires for them wouldn’t be an optimal preparation for adulthood/ uni years where they may not be able to access their desires alone and risk feeling their happiness is curtailed when their resources are more limited.
I think the way forward would be to cultivate hobbies around her interests that don’t involve spending, or focus on bringing out the creative element of how she likes to curate and collect, without the purchasing part.

No

No, with patience, YOU need to read the thread again. I say, on page 1, "anime, no friends, no connections, obsessive shopping- is she autistic?"
And the op replies to me. " @DeliasMyth yep"

So yes, she is autistic.

For autism, shopping and hoarding and collecting are self soothing behaviours And it’s better than self harming, so I don’t see your problem if you’re not paying for it

Your right I didn’t go back through each post to see exactly what question the op was responding to, granted the thread wasn’t big at the time but I gave up doing that a long time ago as it’s exhausting trying to tally each answer back to a specific question when the question isn’t quoted, so I don’t bother any more.

Thank you for pointing it out.

I still stand by the position, the girl isn’t a shopaholic, nor is it wrong for her to surround herself with things that she loves. Many NT people collect things and surround themselves with things they love. The op has been extremely harsh on a child, stopping her pocket money at 10yo because she couldn’t control her spending and is complaining about her ex buying her daughte things for her room in his house, not even the OPs house. She says it’s her money but it’s actually the ex spending, it sounds like she is jealous and the ex should not be spending money on his daughte as she still believes it to be hers.

You are right, but given that she's autistic the scope and intensity of her shopping, how much it consumes her thoughts and impacts her wellbeing, could be problematic or become problematic. When shopping becomes a special interest it can be all consuming in a way that it wouldn't necessarily be for an NT person, because of the nature of autistic brains and monotropism. Given that it's already been serious enough that at age 10 she was "out of control" with her spending - whatever that means - it could be or become an issue. That's why teaching her about the need to budget is important. Autistic people are not NT and sometimes that means a different approach is needed. Otherwise in 15 years time she could find herself spending her wages on handmade anime costumes for cosplay conventions instead of paying the rent....