DH retiring and how to sort money

[Moneyponders]

Posting here for traffic! My DH is going to retire at 55. I totally agree with this decision as his job is extremely stressful.

He will get a lump sum of £60k and £900pm.

I am self employed and he has said he will help me run my business. In my busy periods this will be a good thing. But not necessary as I’ve managed alone for 15 years!

I don’t know how to sort the money though? He currently sends me £1k a month which covers his half of the bills. When he retires (in 2 years) the bills will be lower because the mortgage will be finished. His half of the bills without food will be £300. With food probably £500/£600. I’d feel bad taking £500 of his £900 if he’s helping me. But a lot of the time I actually don’t need help and I’m going to be £1k a month down.

Can’t see the wood for the trees! What do you think? Should I just pay for everything?

Paying him to work in your business after he "retires" (when he financially can't swing it) is bonkers.

He thinks you're going to subsidize his early retirement. Given the history of you paying off his loans and such, maybe he's right.

You'd better sit down with a financial advisor and look very carefully at your financial plans for the next 5 and 10 years because I think you're being taken for a ride.

Don’t pay him to work in your business. Keep your business separate.

He should get a part time job that’s stress free outside of your business to top up his pension money, and pay you the amount that’s genuinely needed for bills. Not just take the money from you!

I bet he wouldn’t help you in your business when it comes to it, or if he does will
refuse to do what’s actually needed and tried to pick and choose what he does to “help”. So worse than useless.

We have a simple solution that we have used for 40 odd years. A joint bank account, all money goes in is ours to spend as we wish. Big purchases are joint decisions. Our account is with Starling, to set up a joint account we both had to set up an individual account and then combine them for the joint account, leaving the individual accounts open. This means we can keep a small amount in our joint account that we can use for buying each other presents or surprises. None of this I earn more so I can spend more. At various times in our lives one or the other has earned more, but we just see it as our money.

they met late in life, she already had all the assets, he’s just jumped on board, she’s bailed him out to get his finances in the black, they earn similarish but he spends it all while she saves- these people are not joint finance people. Most spectacularly, this spendthrift man is retiring. Planning to live off of her even more. That wasn’t a joint decision, he made it on his own. He finances it on his own.

If I was your child OP I would be appalled at your choice of such a lazy user loser being your husband.

He totally saw you coming.
YOU are his pension....can't you really not see that?

A financial partnership only works if both partners have a similar attitude to money.

When the attitudes are so very far apart it doesn't .

These men and women who later in life latch onto a financially solvent person which they've not been really give me the ick.

I think you need to sit down and make things perfectly clear OP - my dh was in a stressful job and wanted to leave it. I was making enough money to support our family so he tells me he is going to leave his job and support me in mine - the reality is I have a cocklodger sitting round the house all day doing f all... only problem is my kids are happy and I won't do anything to jepordize that and he knows it.

So make it clear - no thanks I don't need help on the business and I don't expect to support you during your voluntary, healthy retirement so you'll need to find a way to continue to pay your share of bills and fun stuff.

TBH, a £10k per year pension doesn’t sound very good and seems to fall short to retire at 55. Technically he’s got another 12 ish years of earning to cover…..more that could go into a pension. You say his job is stressful, is it well paid….if so why is his pension so little?
if at worst, can he not look for another job to do a few more years, rather then just throwing the towel in now?
im sure a lot of us would like to give up….but retiring at 55 it seriously early.

So premeditated.

I know of a few very comfortable widows in their 60's and the number of men that see them in terms of their package is extraordinary.

Nurse with a purse for starters, even when they have money themselves.

One woman I know was seeing a fellow golfer for 6 months, both retired.
He was very keen on 50/50 at all times, which suited her absolutely fine.

He now has some deteriorating eyesight issues that were flagged at a test for a new licence which has meant he will no longer be able to drive.

It became very apparent very quickly that she was to be his driver, without any conversation with her.
She liked him and enjoyed his company but had zero interest in being involved with these new expectations of her.
They saw each other once or twice a week max at the club and that was absolutely fine.

She quickly booked a visit to her sister for several weeks so that her unavailability was clear and when she returned very gently told him that she would rather leave things.

He was very upset at being 'dumped' when he now needed her.
Huge entitlement in her opinion after a few months of cadual dinners.

Why on earth did you marry him?

So, if you contributed proportionate to your salaries, your poor DH could have more spends. I put half of what my husband gets in the joint bank account as I get roughly half the amount he gets- seems fair!

@Bignanna I agree with your system putting in approximately proportionally and having roughly equal free spends as I said on a personal level that's what we do but I occasionally get a £100 bonus which I keep, also any gift money we get is added to personal spends our income is much lower than OP's as I have already taken partial retirement we are mortgage free though; so our personal spends per month tend to be more like £150-200 ( but it doesn't include car fuel or maintenance) we would both consider £400 each very nice but we don't have expensive hobbies

I was answering regarding OP's situation where they pay half the bills each regardless of income, ( personally I have always paid more than half the bills as I have always earned more than DH) so if OP and DH's share of bills including food are £500-600 and his income is £900 he will have £3-400 left, while OP will have about £2400 left

for me I think the disparity between £3-400 and £2000+ to be too great, however on one hand OP says she understands and supports his desire to retire early because of stressful nature of work but on the other hand he is on his own financially still covering half bills so not really supportive in an other way

I do understand his previous financial history is worrying and he has very expensive hobbies and would after retirementbe spending beyond his means this does make it difficult to run joint finances when one party is irresponsible with money and I can understand why OP doesn't want to be subsiding expensive hobbies and streams of unnecessary purchases. it is okay as her DH is currently paying these out of his income but it appears he has no extra savings as onl just out of debt. Problems do occur when there is spender and saver or someone who repeatedly makes silly financial decisions

Sound like he can't afford to retire. He needs to find a part time job.

He needs to get a job. And not one ‘working for’ (or helping) you.

Completely agree. If he's a big spender I can see him just expecting you to fund his retirement deficit. In fact, he already is, by expecting you to employ him! I get your desire for financial independence given the origins of your relationship and his habits but you have potentially shot yourself in the foot by marrying. You should seek legal advice. If possible, you need to structure your wills to recognise what you brought to the marriage and protect your children's potential inheritance.

nope. That’s clap trap when you have dc and savings from before you get together.

55 it too young. As you’ve said his family tend to live into their 90s. That’s potentially 40 years

he can’t possibly expect to not earn and for you to support him for at least 20 years until he gets his inheritance. You have dc and potential gdc you may want to be looking out for. Not funding someone who thinks they should be able to live off you for decades

And what if you split in 15 years? You would have just financed a cocklodger

Op you are being taken for a mug. Bin off this idea that he's going to "help" in your business. He's suggesting it not because it helps you with a problem, but it IS a good way to muddy the waters in a really awful way so that he links himself in with your business earnings. He really saw you coming. He's basically expecting you ABC your business to fund a crazy plan to retire early and you're going up fund it?!

ABC = and

He needs to get a PR job. Non stresssful and save the lump sum .

Another thought OP, have you actually met this relative that he says he’s going to get an inheritance from? Or is this just a carrot (lie) to make you think it’s all ok, he’ll come into some money soon?
people often forget that inheritances aren’t a “given” the person can have a will giving it all to next doors cat, if they want to…..you may get nada!

1. why is he paying you for bills. Bills are joint liabilities and he remains equally liable.
2. he cannot afford to retire fully he needs another job that brings in cash- time for that second career
3. dont let him soft soap you into paying him by you covering his % be strong you don’t need his help you need increased family income
4. he doesn’t retire until mortgage is paid off and you can live in his reduced income

@Moneyponders Good luck.

I completely get your points of view.
The reality is he ca not afford to retire; he can leave his career but he needs to get a job to pay for his lifestyle choices.

As a minimum you need to take “working” in your business off the table, and make that clear now. Don’t make his “retirement dreams” easier - and make it clear you are not bailing him out (again) if he ends up in debt because of his lack of realistic financial planning.

Why are you married? I know that sounds harsh but I always thought of marriage as a partnership and it seems to me you need to have a conversation about expectations. If my hypothetical husband got £2m and kept it, I'd start to wonder.