My situation:
Abused in childhood. Had therapies but have PTSD /OCD. Undiagnosed because the NHS has labelled me as anxious and depressed rather than delving into why.
I've been on antidepresents for 20 years now.
Diagnosed in adulthood as autistic and ADHD
Parents didnt care enough to realise this.
Struggled through school and had huge issues with people. Couldnt stay in college because of the pressure and people.
Left college and got a few jobs. I remember hiding in the stockroom selfharming and sobbing because i didnt want to be there and couldnt deal with customers.
I found DH and had 3 children in close sucession.
I feel i did this because i felt abandoned by my parents and i wanted to create the family i didnt have myself.
Loved Motherhood but struggled massively. And my anxiety went through the roof.
Ive spent the last 20 years thinking my kids are going to die.
I dont believe i have normal anxiety, I feel like something is really psychologically wrong with me but GP just refers me for CBT therapy and antidepressants.
-I don't socialise at all
-Dont have a single friend
-Do all my food shopping online
-Dont go on holidays (cant stand the change of environment)
- Dont drive because i cant bare to have lessons with an instructor and couldnt deal with people beeping at me etc...
-Don't leave the house by myself EVER.
- Cant even walk my dogs round the block
-Have constant OCD thoughts that im going to die/my kids are going to die. If someone knocks on the door i start panicking because I think its the police and theyre telling me someone is dead etc...
-have constant heart palpitations
- am on 40mg citalopram and daily propranolol
-Have to be someone if i go anywhere. I cant even go to the corner shop for a milk.
-constant flashbacks to childhood. Even seeing a toy I had in a shop can make me feel like the world is suffocating me.
I have no life :(
I am on LWRCA from ESA transfer.
I get standard PIP on both awards.
10 points on mobility
10 points on daily living
But because its all spread over in 2's Im no longer able to get PIP
Every day I think about ending my life but i keep going for my kids. How can I abandon them?
But its a miserable life :(
I dont know what job i could do as im struggling with my life already, just the monotonous task of making dinner feels too much most days.
Plus what qualifications do I have? A few GCSEs and 20 years of unemployment due to raising kids and not being able to cope mentally with anything??
If i cant even go into my local food shop and fill a trolley what good am I to an employer?