Non traditional bullying

[ShockingStateOfAffairs]

I will try to keep this brief but hoping for some feedback from parents whose children have been the victims of ‘non traditional’ bullying and how their child’s school has dealt with it. Long story short my 5 year old daughters life is being made a misery by a very controlling child who for want of a better description is showing obsessive tendencies towards her. It is apparent that the school do not know how to deal with this child as she is not adhering to the steps that they have put in place to protect my child so it seems that they are changing tactics now and insinuating that my child and I are the problem. At first they were saying that they could not follow up any problems unless my daughter reported everything at the time. My daughter has been reporting all issues and last week was told twice by various staff to basically stop telling tales! I first reported these issues before Christmas and this child is still mentally pecking away at my daughter. The latest thing the school want to try is sending my child on a course to teach her strategies on how to cope with what the child is doing to her! I have refused these on the basis that they are simply looking for an easy way out rather than dealing with the behavior this child is showing. The child has not physically attacked my child however she has attacked other children who try and sit next to or play with my child. AIBU for expecting the school to stop putting all of the onus on my child to ‘fix’ the issue? Any advice appreciated!

So you need to use words that they will understand.

You need to say that they have a duty of care towards your child and they are failing to safeguard her effectively.

Have you asked if this child will be sent on a course to deal with her obsessions

It's a tale as old as time really (not the attacking bit, that's unusual). Some kids have always latched on to others and become jealous and 'protective' of them playing with others.

I don't know what to suggest really, other than telling your child to have absolutely no conversation/contact with this child. It sounds harsh, but some kids take any communication/playing as a green light that they're BFFs and the behaviour starts again.

Have the parents of the attacked children complained?

And the first thing they'll say is 'we can't discuss that, your child needs to
-move away
-isolate themselves from other children to stop the trigger
-be kind.

I have used words to that effect in various meetings but their response is that I need to put my trust in them and give it time…. I first raised the issue in December with the class teacher and made it official in January. In January they swooped in and told the child that she was not allowed to sit next to my child at lunch or play with her. The child simply flouts all of the rules that they have put in place and it is as if the school do not know what to do with her! It escalated to the point they had to remove the child from my daughters learning table and carpet area but one teacher admitted to me that the child was very opportunistic when I reported that she had taken to following her to the toilet. One of the senior staff implied that I need to have more sympathy for the child because she is ‘missing’ my daughter. I responded that respectfully my daughter should not be made to suffer because of the measures that they saw fit to put in place. Since the child cannot get to my daughter she has turned nasty and my child has been told to just ignore her because she should know that they are just ‘silly words’

What do you want school to do? If they, as soon as you reported it, removed the child from your child’s table and carpet, and told the child she’s not allowed to sit with her at lunch or play with her?

Yes! They bat away every suggestion that what the child is doing is odd and imply that she just wants to be friends with my daughter and she is very confused about her emotions! My argument is that if they did it view it as an issue originally they would not have swooped in and isolated that child rather than actually speak to her and guide her. Their response to that is you have to remember this child is only 5 years old….. so is mine and has been living under this cloud for far too long now because the school want ‘time’

Where are you op? Am in Scotland and had similar issue at school once so used what we call the 'shanaari indicators of wellbeing' to evidence they were failing my child's safeguarding and wellbeing.https://www.gov.scot/policies/girfec/wellbeing-indicators-shanarri/

Perhaps they have spoken to the other child and their parents and met a negative response so it is easier to deal with you and your child.

Some people work on the principle (right or wrong) it is easier to change you own behaviour than someone elses__

To carry through with fixing the issue rather than giving up and saying it needs time to sort itself out now that they have realised that the child is not following the strategies they put in place.

• Safe:
• Ensuring children are protected from harm, abuse, and neglect, both at home and in the community.

Dc wasn't safe at school due to the assaults of other child And it was assault despite school trying to downplay as 'hitting out'*

• Healthy:
• Promoting and supporting children's physical and mental well-being, including access to healthcare and healthy choices.

*dc mental health was dropping due to anxiety as when hitting would happen again...would they be nice today or punch me.

• Achieving:
• Providing opportunities and support for children to reach their full potential in learning, skills, and confidence.

Wasnt achieving anymore as so anxious in class

• Nurtured:
• Creating a safe, supportive, and stimulating environment for children to grow and develop.

*absolutely not feeling nurtured in school as it was clear other child priority

• Active:
• Encouraging participation in activities that contribute to healthy growth and development, such as play, recreation, and sport.
• Respected:
• Ensuring children's voices are heard and that they are involved in decisions that affect their lives.

*wasnt feeling respected as worries just shut down with 'I know but you have to 'be kind'j

• Responsible:
• Providing opportunities for children to take an active role in their families, schools, and communities.
• Included:
• Supporting children to overcome barriers and inequalities, and to feel accepted and valued as part of their families, schools, and communities

Not sure if any of that useful, but seemed to make them listen to us.

Sorry for that screed but remember the frustration, feeling powerless and being seen as a problem for not being happy dc was being hit daily!

Frustratingly that seems to be what is happening. The other girls parent also has a friend who is a TA in the school. On one occasion when a staff member was getting to the bottom of an incident my child reported the TA appeared and was stroking the other child’s hair and comforting her while she was crying that my daughter had told a senior staff member what she had done. It seems that they are all ‘closing ranks’ and do not like the fact that I refuse to stop advocating for my daughter

This is a great help thankyou!

Yea the Mother of the other child complained. It was completely down played as the other child being ‘too sensitive’ and making her fill in worksheets on her feelings.

It’s an awful feeling. I hope things have turned around for you and your child now x

The school isn't doing nothing about the issue . They do pay attention and they can't tell you a lot about how they manage a child not yours.

What do you want them to do?

England, but I will certainly see if we have something similar- Thankyou!

OP, have you taught your child to utterly and completely not engage with this child?

I'm wondering if the child is getting mixed messages?

It's so difficult when they're only 5 years old, isn't it?

I have never been in this position hence why I am on here asking for advice if anyone has been in a similar position and how their child’s school dealt with it because as it stands all I can see is that my daughter is slowly losing all confidence and is now for want of a better phrase being treated like a pest by certain members of staff when she reports issues which is what the senior staff insisted that she must do.

Yes my daughter is completely ignoring her as unfortunately this child was seeing any engagement with my child as a positive be it a nice interaction or her being nasty to my child. It’s so frustrating because they are so young but they are putting these responsibilities on my child as they view her as emotionally mature for her age, making her report every incident and telling her that the other girl is just saying silly words. It seems that ‘she’s only five’ excuse is only reserved for the child who is causing the issues

Ask your child not to engage with this child. Won't be the first child to avoid in school. They come and go.
Ask your child to report to senior staff.

And yes, if your child reports every small thing happened the staff will get a bit tired. Both are 5 yo and might not get everything right.

What do you want HT to do?

That’s so horrible for your DD OP. This needs to be nipped in the bud. This sort of behaviour then goes into adulthood and the obsessive drains the life out of every victim. Not nice at all

Exactly! I’m using it as a lesson to teach my daughter to set boundaries as best as I can to a 5 year old but the whole situation is just so frustrating and I won’t let my child just ‘accept’ that she needs to put up with what this child is doing as I feel this is something that will stick with her as she navigates her way through life if she is not supported in how to deal with this child trying to gain control over her