Non traditional bullying

[ShockingStateOfAffairs]

I will try to keep this brief but hoping for some feedback from parents whose children have been the victims of ‘non traditional’ bullying and how their child’s school has dealt with it. Long story short my 5 year old daughters life is being made a misery by a very controlling child who for want of a better description is showing obsessive tendencies towards her. It is apparent that the school do not know how to deal with this child as she is not adhering to the steps that they have put in place to protect my child so it seems that they are changing tactics now and insinuating that my child and I are the problem. At first they were saying that they could not follow up any problems unless my daughter reported everything at the time. My daughter has been reporting all issues and last week was told twice by various staff to basically stop telling tales! I first reported these issues before Christmas and this child is still mentally pecking away at my daughter. The latest thing the school want to try is sending my child on a course to teach her strategies on how to cope with what the child is doing to her! I have refused these on the basis that they are simply looking for an easy way out rather than dealing with the behavior this child is showing. The child has not physically attacked my child however she has attacked other children who try and sit next to or play with my child. AIBU for expecting the school to stop putting all of the onus on my child to ‘fix’ the issue? Any advice appreciated!

The school have put her in various groups but she’s simply not slotting into any of them and still telling the others that she’s my daughter’s best friend. This is where I get frustrated as I have asked the school if anyone is actually guiding the child and explaining the situation to her but one will tell me they can’t divulge that and another one will tell me I need to be more sympathetic to the fact she’s only 5 and just wants my daughter back!

As a starting point ask the school, specifically the safeguarding lead, to provide you with a written document outlining the following
• A record of all the times, with dates, you have raised concerns about this child’s behaviour and the impact on your child
• What the school has done to address your concerns
• What the school has done to support your daughter with the impact of experiencing controlling behaviour
• What is on their curriculum for children your daughters age in regard to healthy relationships and boundaries and if this has been taught to the whole class yet
• Their anti-bullying policy
• Their official complaints procedure
I’d like to think they will then begin to take this more seriously.

Because the other girl was only crying because she wasn't getting her own way?

I will do exactly this- thankyou so much

Have you spoke to the other child’s mum? Are they approachable? My child become possessive of a friend in nursery (age 3/4) we reiterated daily that so and so can have other friends and it’s good have other friends too, we kept doing this and after a few weeks it all settled and they are still friends but my child is well liked by most so have a big group of friends now!! Obviously they were younger and 5 year olds have a little more understanding….might be worth speaking to the mum to see if they can speak to their child

Good grief, how in the world do you know that for a fact?! Were you there...?

Because in my opinion it’s a massive conflict of interest that a TA within the school who my daughter knows is close to the other girls family swooped in and was there to ‘protect’ the other child in my daughters eyes during a senior member of staff trying to establish what the child had done to my daughter when she reported an issue which she had been told she must do. Certainly when there is an ongoing back and forth between myself and the school regarding the situation which I’m pretty sure she will be very aware of.

I think that anyone who wouldn't comfort a crying child, no matter who the member of staff was, would be a nasty piece of work. Do you really think nobody should have comforted the crying child?

Look, I know you're upset about your own daughter. This is understandable. But I do think you need to remember that the other child is someone's kid too, is also 5 like your daughter, and also gets upset. It's not a crime to comfort a crying child.

I had a little more luck with the dad but unfortunately the mum couldn’t have been less interested if she tried, that’s when I decided to get the school involved which is unfortunate as I do believe a lot of this could have been avoided if the mum would have been willing to work with me to resolve it and take the time to guide her child through her feelings but all that has happened now is her child has in essence been banned from being anywhere near my child

Yes, my son has been possessive at one point too. And another child has been possessive of him at a different point. Both times I reiterated that they can and must be friends with whoever they want. When they're little it does need a lot of work. It is a very common issue. It's happening in my son's school with a couple of girls right now actually. I'm a teacher and have seen this a huge amount. It requires work, from BOTH children and is a useful teaching point for them both (and often the parents too).

My daughter was upset at what had been done to her yet bravely reported it yet had to watch the other child be comforted at being caught out as it is one of the few situations where the child had actually been told her behaviour wasn’t acceptable at what she had done. No one was comforting my child as the victim in the situation! There is a much bigger situation at play here so I won’t give any more engagement to my thoughts on this particular scenario but I would be a fool not wonder just how much involvement the TA has in how the situation is being dealt with

If you’re worried about unfair treatment I’d add another point on my list of information to ask the safeguarding lead for. Something like,
• A statement regarding how professionals, such as a teaching assistant, are expected to navigate working with a child they have a personal relationship with outside of school.

I will add that to the other points you have posted. I really do appreciate your advice, thankyou

Add to your list what the school think is the end goal here if the situation does not improve. Is their answer that your child moves school? In that scenario the other child will most likely move onto someone else so they are left to deal with the problem again.

is it more than a one form entry? At the end of this year do the classes get mixed?

sorry your daughter is having a really tough time.

Honestly op, you are doing the right thing by not teaching her she has to just accept it. I'm dealing with the fallout from that sort of thinking with my 9year old. Massively manipulative, lying frenemy situation. Also, funnily enough, related to staff. I'm just going to take her out as it's gone on too long and short of a personality transplant for the other girl, nothing will change.

I have asked what is going to happen now that the child is not responding positively to the measures that they have put in place which I genuinely thought would sort the situation out and they have gone from saying they need me to give it more time and put my trust in them to basically saying that my daughter needs to be given strategies to cope with what is happening as I have told them my child has put up with this for far too long now and it is affecting her. Unfortunately my child still has another school year after this one before the classes are mixed.

I wish your daughter all the luck in the world at her new school!

Had this with my DD.
Several episodes kept escalating. Other child wanted to be their friend, which was the excuse I got.
In the end I explained that they were teaching my child that abuse was OK as long as the other person "liked" them and that they were unsafe by teaching my child to accept being the abused partner in a future relationship.
The school was the problem until I positioned the message that they were encouraging relationship abuse and setting my DD up to be a DV victim. I also explained I would need to remove my child from an unsafe school, notify the governors of their attitude to supporting acceptance of abusive relationships and inform Ofsted.
School immediately took action and we had zero problems thereafter. My shock was the lack of awareness of the long term issue the school was creating.

Your words are the exact reason I feel so strongly about what is happening and I am refusing to let them take my child out of class once a week to learn her coping mechanisms to deal with what is happening and how to ‘understand’ the feelings she must be experiencing! I have told them I will not let them force my once bubbly outgoing child into a victim mentality and in my opinion let them ‘give up’ and switch the narrative because the other child has complete disregard for the measures they have put in place to ‘protect’ my child.

Totally agree. Other parents actually allowed the their child to support and ended up being "break buddies"... this ended with other children having scissors thrown at them, glue put in hair, chairs thrown etc. Not my DD though as he was properly spoken to. Also don't let them try tell you to speak to the other parents. It's a school behaviour issue - I was not witnessing it - they were. Too much thought on aggressors' feelings, not the victims. Stay strong. We have to advocate for them at that age.
.

change schools

@ShockingStateOfAffairs Please ignore this absolute nonsense. I had a similar situation when I was 9. There was a girl in my class whose aunt was the TA. The girl was always nasty to me in very sly ways but I avoided her as much as I could. One day she pushed too far and I told her she was being nasty and to go away. I can still vividly picture her being cuddled by her aunt whilst my classmates watched me being told off by the teacher for being mean. When I then got upset I was told not to “turn on the waterworks.” It was very invalidating and I knew from that day that I wasn’t safe and those adults wouldn’t look after me.

The school are calling the other child's behaviour 'friendship' but it sounds more like resource guarding. That's a behavioural problem and one that needs tackling.

You have informally tried to solve the problem and it hasn’t worked.
Submit a formal safeguarding complaint and cc the school governors. Include the TA link and she will then be kept at a distance from the situation. They will then have to put formal measures in place and tell you about them properly. They also won’t be able to dismiss it and make it your child’s fault.

The fact that you remember it so vividly reiterates why I feel so strongly that what the TA did was unprofessional and how my daughter must have felt in that situation. Thankyou for sharing your story x