Non traditional bullying

[ShockingStateOfAffairs]

I will try to keep this brief but hoping for some feedback from parents whose children have been the victims of ‘non traditional’ bullying and how their child’s school has dealt with it. Long story short my 5 year old daughters life is being made a misery by a very controlling child who for want of a better description is showing obsessive tendencies towards her. It is apparent that the school do not know how to deal with this child as she is not adhering to the steps that they have put in place to protect my child so it seems that they are changing tactics now and insinuating that my child and I are the problem. At first they were saying that they could not follow up any problems unless my daughter reported everything at the time. My daughter has been reporting all issues and last week was told twice by various staff to basically stop telling tales! I first reported these issues before Christmas and this child is still mentally pecking away at my daughter. The latest thing the school want to try is sending my child on a course to teach her strategies on how to cope with what the child is doing to her! I have refused these on the basis that they are simply looking for an easy way out rather than dealing with the behavior this child is showing. The child has not physically attacked my child however she has attacked other children who try and sit next to or play with my child. AIBU for expecting the school to stop putting all of the onus on my child to ‘fix’ the issue? Any advice appreciated!

100% this! However it seems a much easier option for them to ‘fix’ my daughter and give her coping mechanisms to deal with it than it does to guide the other child. When I try to take my feelings out of the equation and look at it objectively I actually feel like the other child is being failed massively as like you say it does need tackling and it seems that because she hasn’t conformed to the measures it’s easier to give up than to actually put in the work.

Excellent advice- Thankyou. I have woke up with a new sense of purpose this morning thanks to the many helpful responses I have received as I must admit the situation has really got me down lately as I feel so helpless, but I will be using my lunch break today to make notes on all the brilliant points raised and will be contacting the school to ask for a meeting to be set up with the safeguarding person.

A meeting will be another delay and they have to have a meeting with you to discuss a formal complaint. Get a written complaint in asap using their complaints process and in the submission email to the school ask for a meeting to discuss their response.

The TA was unprofessional and misused her position of power and authority. You've had good advice. I believe, however, that if the school doesn't manage the girl's behaviour and you don't want to change school you might want to consider for your daughter to tell the girl some home truths. Along the lines of, "I am not your friend, I do not want to be your friend, go away and leave me alone. Friends are kind and have fun I do not have fun with you and you are not kind to me. Find yourself another friend, I am not it." If the other girls comes back your dd can say "go away, I do not want to play with you".

I know this sounds very rude and unkind but if the girl doesn't leave her alone, the school is unable to help and you don't remove her form school, it's best for your dd to find her 'rough voice'. Just saying something along these lines once or twice will make your dd feel different bout the situation, not voiceless, not a victim. That alone may be enough to move this girl along.

You are right to do this and you have shown amazing social and emotional intelligence on this thread. When my dc was in a group of friends (frenemies) in year 3, the school offered her these counselling sessions 😂. No thank you was my answer as there is nothing wrong about feeling fed up and upset about another child forcing you to clap your hands repeatedly , even when you say please don't do that, or writing stuff on your face with pen in break time. I also refused to foster a victim mentality and told dc to tell them they're unkind, leave the group and play with others. Feeling upset at forceful controlling behaviour is a healthy and natural response. With the lack of common sense and hands on parenting and increased indifferent and and permissive parenting schools would do well to have a wellbeing and social /relationship support staff that regularly coach the children to teach them social skills in groups. They'r not learning it at home behind screens and never hearing the word now.

That’s a very valid point. Would you suggest adding a timeframe in which I expect a response?

So difficult !

I’ve had similar with my 13yr old with a girl she’s known since nursery. It was bad in y3/4 but those were Covid years and in y5/6 they were separated. The school clocked what was going on and I just said my child needed space.

The other girl is fussy and only likes a tiny number of other kids. The mother is also fixated on my child.

It got really bad when they started in high school and were not in any classes and the mum was completely over invested in their ‘friendship’ and started contacting me asking info about what my child was doing all the time and trying to arrange meet ups !!!

I’ve completely distanced myself from her and if she contacts me again I am going to say in plain English that I’m concerned about their fixation with my child and I’m getting a restraining order!

I should’ve sorted this early as child was really sick of it.

Can you keep your child off for a few days saying she feels coerced into hanging about with this kid?

Can she go elsewhere at break with another child - location in the playground or a club ?

Can you request a class move ?

She needs to learn to say ‘oh I’m playing with x today’ or maybe hang out in a group. Can the school give the other girl a different activity at breaks? This is so hard for kids to navigate though. There should be a word for this. You don’t have to like & play with everybody and not liking someone is not bullying !

She could learn to parrot ‘oh I play with you a lot I’m going to play with someone else today’ and with physical touch just say ‘stop it I don’t like it’. To be honest I think it wouldn’t be a big deal if she was more direct to her what’s the worst that can happen ? The school will call you and you can explain once more that she’s unhappy & smothered with all the over attention.

The complaints policy of the school/trust will have a mandated response time they have to respond within, usually in writing

Although the classes aren’t usually mixed up until next year, this is something that the school could consider bringing forward.

Alternatively does DD have a couple of proper friends who would swap to another class with her now?

Funnily enough I have said to my daughter why don’t you show some of that sass that you show at home! I genuinely think she’s so bogged down with it all and as I said earlier she has been forced into the position of the ‘emotionally mature’ one that needs to ignore what the headteacher has described as silly words and silly (nasty) looks and keep reporting.

Thankyou so much for your kind words. You have made me slightly emotional as there has been many an early hour when I have been in bed wondering if I am handling this correctly and feeling lost as although the school originally put the measures in place to keep her away from my child she’s simply not adhering to them and now they are shifting the focus onto my child as they obviously recognize that she will conform but I don’t believe it is the right thing to do to make my child basically be given techniques to cope with what the other child is doing because what they have put in place in regards to the other child isn’t working! It’s putting a plaster on the situation while allowing them to tick an easy box that they are being pro active as obviously in their head they must be thinking how further can this go before I escalate it.

It is at the stage now that the other child isn’t allowed to sit next to or play with my child as per the head teacher however at the beginning my child would say I’m going to sit next to X today and she would cry and say I guess you hate me then and don’t want to be my best friend. My daughter would say but I’m best friends with x and x also and I will sit with you tomorrow even though she wasn’t enjoying the friendship as the other girl would be quite unkind in terms of things like oh you’re singing the song wrong, oh I’ve got more rewards points than you, oh the teacher likes me more than she likes you, oh you look like a boy in those clothes on a non uniform day when she wore jeans (she wore jeans the next non uniform day)! Other times when different girls would try and sit next to my daughter she would physically drag them away. When my daughter would tell me she would try and control games at the beginning I would say to my daughter just say oh we would like to play this today but you don’t have to if you don’t want to and we can play your game tomorrow but she would ‘stomp off’ and cause a scene. looking back im annoyed with myself that I should have helped my child to set clearer boundaries at the beginning but never did I expect it to turn into what it has, all I can do now is keep advocating my child

I have light heartedly floated conversations about changing classes, schools with my child as I don’t want her to feel like that is what’s going to happen unless it actually gets to that point and she says that she likes her class teacher. Unfortunately she would still be with the other child at dinner and play times if she moved class so I could potentially be unsettling my child and only half fixing the issue

Goodness OP you have already tried so hard on this issue it sounds awful.

Definitely pursue the complaints procedure. You could call the headteacher directly after each episode. It may be a poorly run school though.

Is there an option for you to volunteer in the class at all ? That might solve it ? Tell the school you don’t think she’s safe without it.

I remember when I was bullied in reception by a boy many years older me who I didn’t even know the name of. My mum stormed down to the school and we went from room to room and every boy had to stand up in a line and I walked past them all to find him. I got to year 2 and he wasn’t there but I found his younger brother and pointed him out and said ‘it’s not him it’s his big brother’. I don’t know what the school did to stop the bullying but it stopped immediately. I’d never seen my mum so angry, she just stormed into the headteachers office with little me raising hell. She is normally very polite.

I wouldn’t feel bad at all Op. Your strategies to dc sound very sensible for 5 year olds eg say I’m sitting with x, I’ll sit with you tomorrow. Or we are playing x I’ll play your game next time.
I wouldn’t move school if she’s happy.
Follow up with school to take action as per suggestions on here.
Encourage positive friendships eg play dates with children your dc likes in school. Rainbows (girl guiding) can be good for friendships outside school.

Your Mum sounds like an absolute legend! If I could afford to give up work I would be happy to volunteer and sit in that class every single day, although I’m not sure how welcome I would be to be honest! It certainly feels as though I am being viewed as problematic now and they are ‘closing ranks’ against me as I believe I have given ample time and trust which is what they asked of me yet my child is still not having the school experience that she deserves and is entitled to, so I’m very much being a ‘thorn in their side’ by not allowing my daughter to accept that this is the new normal and sending her off once a week to speak to someone about how she can cope with the emotions she is experiencing due to what is happening rather than them actually dealing with the cause of the issue.

We have a play date tomorrow after school which she is so looking forward to! I have got the ball rolling with the complaints procedure and have requested that the head gives me a call as soon as possible so that I can inform her of my intentions and to get clear instructions on what their procedure is

Keep us updated. Hopefully others in the know can help once you get a response to the complaint. I’ve only ever officially complained once to our school and they were on it immediately. I believe complaints needs to be stored as Ofsted can request to see them. I hope your child has a super play date.

She is so looking forward to it bless her! The advice and input I have received so far has been so very appreciated and it’s clear that there are some really knowledgeable people out there so I will be sure to update and seek guidance once I receive my response!

It won’t get better. Is it one form entry school? They will be together for next 6 years!
In Reception my kid had a similar friend. She made him get into the toy box and then sat on it so he couldn’t get out. If he sat next to anyone else she pulled them or him away.

her mum had a baby and this baby was named after mine.

I moved him to a different school.

Naming a baby after yours is a whole new level! I have picked up on it seems to be a recurring theme in some of the stories that have been shared that there could be some influence/encouragement from the mums and my experience with the mum was not pleasant once I asked if we could work together to resolve the tension between the girls. When I think about it the child would always come in similar hairstyles/accessories once my child had worn them and she had approached me before all
of this became an issue to ask of details of where I had got things for my daughters birthday party as her child wanted the same balloons, party bag fillers etc but I never really thought too much of it at the time. I will try not to let my head go too far down this path but I must admit my cogs are ticking!

Totally agree with this!

@ShockingStateOfAffairs just wondered how things went/are going now? We're in a scarily similar situation at the moment and waiting for a call from ht after the latest meeting with an action plan, not sure what to expect.

Firstly I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this, when I look back it really was an awful time. Long story short please go through this thread and make notes of everything the knowledgable posters have advised. I truly believe it was the advice I received from here that guided me to actually getting the school to sit up and take note rather than fobbing it off as ‘girls being girls’ I requested a meeting with all senior members of staff and safe guarding lead present. I made bullet points from all the advice given here and a few of the phrases I’d noted down really caught their attention. I presented them with a copy of every incident I’d logged since it became apparent that there was an issue and also notes on previous meetings. I told them I’d taken outside advice (technically I had)! And that I would have no hesitation in taking it further but thanks to the clear and concise guidance from previous posters this sounded valid as opposed to just throwing around empty threats. As a result the TA known to the family was moved to the juniors building as she had taken to popping her head into the classroom every day when she had no reason to be in that corridor. The girls family were finally invited to a meeting regarding the issue and although classes were not due to be mixed until this year they moved it forward and separated them last September. One thing that helped was I was given a book that would be kept in my child’s bag and both the class teacher and I would communicate via this as the child had taken to loitering by the door when I was speaking to the teacher at drop off and then questioning my child on what was said. Lots happened in between but I hope I’ve covered how I finally got the school to start taking it seriously and I truly believe it was down to the advice given in this thread. I really hope things improve for you and your child x

Thanks so much for this @ShockingStateOfAffairs ,I will have a good read through