Non traditional bullying

[ShockingStateOfAffairs]

I will try to keep this brief but hoping for some feedback from parents whose children have been the victims of ‘non traditional’ bullying and how their child’s school has dealt with it. Long story short my 5 year old daughters life is being made a misery by a very controlling child who for want of a better description is showing obsessive tendencies towards her. It is apparent that the school do not know how to deal with this child as she is not adhering to the steps that they have put in place to protect my child so it seems that they are changing tactics now and insinuating that my child and I are the problem. At first they were saying that they could not follow up any problems unless my daughter reported everything at the time. My daughter has been reporting all issues and last week was told twice by various staff to basically stop telling tales! I first reported these issues before Christmas and this child is still mentally pecking away at my daughter. The latest thing the school want to try is sending my child on a course to teach her strategies on how to cope with what the child is doing to her! I have refused these on the basis that they are simply looking for an easy way out rather than dealing with the behavior this child is showing. The child has not physically attacked my child however she has attacked other children who try and sit next to or play with my child. AIBU for expecting the school to stop putting all of the onus on my child to ‘fix’ the issue? Any advice appreciated!

@MumChp you may not mean to but your posts come across a tad belligerent towards op as if she's being problematic or it's her daughters fault?
I'd be concerned if school staff who acknowledged that there was an issue stated that they were 'tired' due to a child reporting bullying issues.

It’s definitely a control thing. It’s like having a millstone round your neck. I honestly wish I’d been taught to tell people “no” more often when I was a child because that strengthens your character for navigating these people once you’re a grown up. I’d feel the same as you, I’d be bloody fuming that this kid has latched on

For some reason I seemed to attract this kind of "friend" when I was a child. It feels very suffocating and you get guilted into all sorts if adults don't let you create boundaries. I remember being told off by teachers because I didn't want to be around them.

But OP also have to understand how a school works. Not only her daughter has a need.
If she doesn't trust the school to manage the children she needs to find a better school.

The school/teacher need to actively keep the other child away from her. It happened with me in the 1980s, when I was about 7 years old, the other child was sat away from me and the teacher and dinner ladies kept an eye on us as best they could and eventually she left me alone. It was all coming from her mum who was bonkers and crazy jealous of me/pitting her daughter against me.

If a teacher can do it with a class of almost 40 back then, they can certainly do it now.

Or the school needs to do a better job...

Your poor dd.
It sounds like lack of communication between senior staff and what is happening on ground.
Can you email everyone to confirm their plan is X isn’t to sit with your dd or play with her.
If X approaches dd you your dc will say No and tell adult as agreed.
Encourage dc to avoid X and not play with her.
Your dc has been told to report everything by Senior staff and you have reinforced that. You don’t expect dc to be told she’s telling tales.
It sounds miserable for your dd. You are trying to avoid scenario where your dd reaches end of tether and shouts or pushes her away.
Does your dd do anything like Rainbows, sometime to socialise away from this girl.

Are you a one class or multiple class a year set up? If latter can you raise them being split in 2 different classes in September.

This, it will still take time but it needs to be as consistent an approach as possible.

I still had this girl sit next to me sometimes when we had supply teachers, she would copy my work and I was so worried I'd get into trouble for letting her copy me, or that she would say I'd copied her. She'd end up hitting me in frustration as I was putting my arm around my work to stop her copying.

It sounds as though the school have taken measures to prevent this obsessive behaviour from happening, but that they have not been successful. Of course you want the issue to be fixed, but it isn’t as simple as mending a broken toy or an appliance.

You can try strategies and if they don’t work, you can try different ones, but you can’t actually change the child’s behaviour, unless there’s something in it for her to want to change. It seems as though they’re separated as much as possible, but this child finds ways to circumnavigate every measure.

Of course your child shouldn’t have to put up with it. Of course she shouldn’t be able to seek her own friends, of course she should complain about situations she’s uncomfortable with. It does sound as though it’s not making a positive difference.

Are there possibilities for a different class or a different school. I know you’ll say it’s not fair she should be the one to move and I agree, but it may come to a choice like that unfortunately.

Young girls friendships will always come across these issues won’t they but you have described it perfectly. This goes far beyond anything I’ve dealt with before.

She does seem to attract those type of friends and the worst thing is I’ve always said as long as they’re not being nasty maybe just let them follow you and include them as they may be lonely. It does seem the child in question took this to an extreme though and the school must have thought that to put the measures in place, it’s just not followed the trajectory of what I think everyone was expecting to happen and that the other girl would become ‘bored’ of my daughter

@CaptainFuture I’m really interested in hearing what the school did to protect your child.

I had it as an adult at the last job I had. Suffocating, smothering, draining. Every attempt at a boundary was smashed through. Had to go no contact once I left because this person would have hounded me to the grave.

Raise a formal complaint to the Head teacher referring to their bullying policy assuming they have one and you have been given access to ot and in the absence of a satisfactory response complain to the governors and Ofsted.

I’m sorry you went through that. Last week the usual dinner supervisor was off and the child saw the opportunity and pushed through to sit next to my child. Luckily another member of staff came into the hall and said to the child you know you are not supposed to sit there. The child is simply not giving up and is always on the lookout for a chance to get to my child. I have flagged that she is now following her into the toilets

How awful. I think sometimes children are expected to ‘put up’ with situations in school that even as adults we would struggle with and to hear the words you have used describe perfectly what this girls behaviour is doing to my child

They have said that they cannot classify it as ‘bullying’ as the girl is struggling without having access to my daughter and the situation needs time and to put my trust in them.

You're describing a five year old as being
" very controlling" and having " obsessive tendencies".
That's a very, very bold statement.

What behaviours are we talking about here?
What does this child actually do?

My DC is autistic and forms very intense friendships with other children. They are often reciprocated initially and then the other child gets fed up and backs away from DC who is devastated to loose the friendship. It is very hard to be the parent of the other child in this scenario. We do everything to encourage them to have multiple friendships etc but they do not listen and repeat the same pattern again and again. Admittedly my dc is not violent or nasty but nonetheless it is a difficult situation all around. The school should obviously make sure that your child is not subject to any physical violence or name calling but I’m not sure what they can do other than this.

That is shocking. Please don’t put up with this. What about your daughter’s wellbeing FFS?

Op has said this girl follows dd into toilets, pushes to sit next to her at lunch (even though been told not to sit with her - so deliberately disobeying staff) and physically attacks children who try to sit or play with dd.
That’s definitely obsessive and very controlling.

The school sound like they are bending over backwards for the other child at the expense of OP’s daughters well-being. What message does that send? I know teachers tend to be more left leaning and try to promote tolerance of others etc but this is ridiculous.

Started off by moving both children as had the same stance as some above 'well he must be encouraging the other child.
Once separated other child ran down classroom and whacked dc who was quietly sitting drawing on the face with a wooden ruler... finally they accepted there was an issue. However things only ended as other child moved area!

I have an older child who is autistic and completely get where you are coming from as my older child is similar to how you have described your child! Because of this I have always encouraged the child who is going through this situation to always try and include children who don’t seem to have any friends and as long as they are not being nasty to just let them play alongside her if they don’t want to get involved. The child in question doesn’t strike me as having any additional needs although I obviously can’t be 100% sure but it is the manipulation and controlling of my child that I simply can’t sit back and ignore