Children not in her care

[Mummaonherown]

I have had issues with my lying cheating ex for months.
He's got a new girlfriend and he has lied about her name, where she is from and whether she had children, all really small issues that I don't think someone really needs to lie about. It made me think he had something to hide.
Right, now I have found out (he admitted it) that she doesn't have her 3 children in her care full time. Am I right to be concerned about this? I thought it was strange as I've spoken to him a few times during the week and he's in the pub with her at 9 at night, she she seems to always be able to drive him around (this was before I found out she had kids) but now I know she's got kids, I was wondering where they were.
I questioned him last night and he admitted it.
From my understanding it takes quite a lot for a mother to loose custody of her children.
My ex asked me not to say anything about his "colourful past" as she would walk.
Now I understand why he has lied so much, he/they are hiding something.
Should I be concerned about her being around my child 4/5 months in?

In OP’s original post she said she asked her ex why he was able to be in the pub with his gf and he said “she does not have the kids full time”

To blow that into she’s somehow lost custody entirely and would not be safe around OP’s child is a severe dramatic overreaction.

I’d expect abusers to only see their kids at contact centres.

“Not in her care” is too vague to comment on. Sometimes kids live with dad or grandparents and that’s for the best. M

Your ex lying is a a reflection on his personality- he’s just not a truthful person who doesn’t want to be honest with you as a fuck you.

The problem I see though is that the ex has already lied more than once about this GF. Since that wasn't his pattern with his other girlfriend, it doesn't seem likely that it's only because he doesn't want the OP to have information she can use to make trouble or other plausible, non-nefarious reason.

He's lied about her identity and he's lied about her having children at all. When dealing with a liar, nothing can be believed. For example, that means we do not actually know that the GF is allowed unsupervised contact with her children.

Maybe she was just babysitting someone else's kids and told them to call her "Mum" for the day, to back up the other weird lies. Or anything else. You can't trust a liar. OP has cause to be concerned here. She needs to protect her child and get to the bottom of this, not assume anything. In my opinion.

I hadn't thought of that. Thanks.

@sunshine244 curiousity killed the cat, I had her number so I looked at her what's app. My Facebook is linked to my contacts/numbers she came up. Did I message her, no did I tell her what my ex has asked me not to tell her, no I didn't. I simply found out her real name.
Lying to someone about someone's name is strange, considering I have known about his previous gf and spoken to her.
Lying about her being at swimming and then calling our son a liar (in front of his face) is also concerning.
People move on it's inevitable that this situation will come up.
Maybe there's nothing to hide, but either way I think I have the right to be suspicious..

Tbh if he has a colourful past he is scared of her finding out I would simply say that you will tell her if he doesn't tell you what is going on.

I'd also get a child arrangement order as for 2 days a month no judge is going to stop you taking him abroad on holiday even if there is another man involved! He sounds very controlling. Get the child order and cms sorted and zap some of his power.

@gamerchick we don't speak, the only time we speak is due to child arrangements which he cancels most of the time. He doesn't pay for his son neither.
I don't want him back, I'm quite happy with my life.

When your children go to your existence (their dad's) you don't have your children in your care.

Obviously you don't know the reasons why her kids are not in her care - it could be that she's struggled in the past or been a victim of dv and it took her too long/ felt unable to leave and kids were removed to protect them. Young children especially are more likely to be placed in foster to adopt placements and I know a number of women who had their children removed early on but are now in much better places in themselves, but can't get their kids back as they were adopted before they got to that better place. Or possibly she's been unable to afford legal expenses to fight an ex who's got custody/ turned her kids against her.

However I think it would be pertinent to know the reasons why. I would contact social services to see if they've been involved and flag it as a concern so they can assess the situation and will have the full picture. You can't trust your ex (or her) to give you the truth and your responsibility is not to them but to your child. They likely won't be able to tell you anything, but they can make their own assessment.

@LittleOwl153 his last gf told me he hit her, he said she hit him, I have no idea what happened.
His mum had him arrested 2 years ago for hitting her, again I don't know what happened.
He's never hit me but was very controlling and everything was my fault, he changed when I fell pregnant but there was red flags that I completely ignored.
So yeah I suppose that's one of the reasons, he's scared of what I might say.

It often escalates, but there is usually a pattern of behaviour that exists long before. that’s what I’m referring to with the ignoring of red flags

@PrincessASDaisy I ignored alot, but he changed massively as soon as our son come along.

Clearly he isn’t telling you truths about the new girlfriend because you spoke to his last girlfriend. He doesn’t want you speaking to this one

Well your child's father doesn't have full time responsibility of his DC either. You don't know her circumstances, there's not much you can do.

2 women close to him say he hit them and you're saying you don't know what happened? Do you think he may possibly have . . . hit them?

You don't speak to him but he had access to your phone to call his girlfriend?

There's clearly some stuff going on with your ex but his girlfriend not having her kids all the time doesn't necessarily mean anything. You don't have your son all of the time, sometimes he's with your ex? Maybe she's with him at the pub when her kids are with their other parent? I think it's quite a leap to assume anything more.

I’m a social worker and yes you should be concerned. They might be outwith her care because of reasons relating to abuse or neglect, in which case there could be a risk to your children. Tell your ex you want to know more and that she is not to care for your children unattended. Actually, in situations where children are removed from a parent and the social worker becomes aware that the parent has entered a relationship with someone with children, they would usually have a duty of care to investigate, especially if that parent isn’t allowed unsupervised access with their own children.
If your ex isn’t forthcoming with the information, or you have reason to doubt his honesty or commitment to protecting his children, I’d be contacting social services for support and advice.

@Hollowvoice yes, around 6 weeks ago, he was denying she existed and there was no one. He asked to use my phone as his phone was dead and I don't have an iPhone charger, told me he was ringing his "friend" (he was over seeing our child on this day)
He didn't delete the number, he thought he did but he didn't.

There's alot more than makes me think there's something he's not telling me, something isn't sitting right with me at all.

@Hollowvoice I found out the real truth around a day or so later. We haven't spoken for 2 weeks now, only for child arrangements

This! Do this immediately and refuse to let your children go to him until it is done and you have assurance she is safe around your children. It is not likely that she is safe to be around if her kids are in care.

cant Believe people making out she has control issues and is harassing him, god forbid anything happened she would be judged for not acting on mothers instinct given the lies that have been told, her gut is saying something is wrong, her ex is a low life and yet she’s being told it’s none of her business! My children’s safety is my business and I would do anything to find out if the person I’m leaving them with is a safe option

But OP doesn't know the children are outwith the mother's care. She knows the mother has been to the pub or out on other occasions without her children but that says nothing?
Obviously I don't know all the details but there seems not enough information to assume the girlfriend is an unfit mother.

Fair enough of you to have questions.

My SC have the majority custody with us (their Dad, my DH) and not with their mum. This has been ever since they first split, and isn’t for any sinister or big reason other than she didn’t want to have them full time.

I think it’s hard for the majority of mothers to try and understand why a mother wouldn’t want her children, but there are always bizarre exceptions. I personally cannot even try to understand it one bit.

@Hollowvoice back in January when he first mentioned someone else (he was still trying it with me, asking for me back at this point) he said that they were seeing each other every day or every other day (at this point I didn't know about her children) but with all the other little things he has said and then taken back, if it's true that they were seeing each other every day or every other day then it just leaves me wondering, where were the kids. All I know it's 3 under 10.

Like I said, something doesn't sit right, I knew who his last gf was we spoke and planned to meet but they spilt not long before we planned to.
It's the lies, I haven't looked into anything apart from seeing her pop up on my FB and on what's app from him using my phone.

There is a huge flaw in self reported data? Who is reporting that it starts then?
There are always signs but no one wants to admit that there were and they ignored them and went ahead anyway. There are enough feelings of guilt and shame already.
No, it's easier to say it came out of the blue.
I think it's more a case that children will become the catalyst for women to speak up.