Children not in her care

[Mummaonherown]

I have had issues with my lying cheating ex for months.
He's got a new girlfriend and he has lied about her name, where she is from and whether she had children, all really small issues that I don't think someone really needs to lie about. It made me think he had something to hide.
Right, now I have found out (he admitted it) that she doesn't have her 3 children in her care full time. Am I right to be concerned about this? I thought it was strange as I've spoken to him a few times during the week and he's in the pub with her at 9 at night, she she seems to always be able to drive him around (this was before I found out she had kids) but now I know she's got kids, I was wondering where they were.
I questioned him last night and he admitted it.
From my understanding it takes quite a lot for a mother to loose custody of her children.
My ex asked me not to say anything about his "colourful past" as she would walk.
Now I understand why he has lied so much, he/they are hiding something.
Should I be concerned about her being around my child 4/5 months in?

The children could have been taken by their father without the intervention of children’s services, or as part of proceedings in relation to who has care of the children. Alternatively, there’s a very real possibility that they could have been removed by children’s services, and as the threshold for this is higher it would be much more worrying. Given his attempts to conceal her identity I’d lean toward this being more likely.
If you know her real name you should google your county name and the word mash to find a contact number for children’s services. You can explain what you’ve said here, about your ex withholding information and her having access to your child which your ex has concealed. They can search their system to see if they have a reason to be concerned and give you advice and guidance.

It may well depend on location but where I am, only the primary carer is entitled to extra bedrooms for the children - defined as the person with majority care, or the person who claims child benefit if the care is otherwise shared.

I believe that's also true from a benefits perspective; UC won't pay for multiple bedrooms for both parents.

Personally I'd withhold all contact until I knew the facts.

No idea if that's legal but I wouldn't care if I thought my kids were in potential danger.

Not at the moment with time I would need reply for bigger accomodation. Council was strict that only one bed no more.

@Weekabc I posted on there by mistake. Thought to make a new thread, but yes it's a mess

I am a retired SW. Whatever the arrangement is with her children, if she is taking them swimming unsupervised then i would doubt there is any major issue. There might be a multitude of reasons why she does not have full time care of her children.

How old is your child OP? I would just make sure they know that they can tell you about anything that is worrying them but don't make it just about their dad and his GF.

@JoyousEagle he has my son 2 nights a month, if he can be bothered to have him. So yes I do have him full time.

@ApolloandDaphne thank you. He's 4.5 and he was the one who was telling me she was there, my ex lied and has lied about who she is, I'm just wondering why? These are basic facts, what is he hiding.

He has lied to you a lot already. Could “not in her care 24/7” simply mean that the children are with their father for their agreed custody

@ThejoyofNC I have now told him he can see our son, but day visits and not to take him overnight.
I've asked to meet her, but he's refused to introduce us, given no reason.
The 4 overnight contacts he's had this year to date, she has been there every single time.

I suspect it's his GF's choice not to have her children or they don't want to live with her. It's quite difficult to take away a mother's right to look after her children and if so I doubt she'd be able to have them unsupervised.
I'm guessing she's just a crap parent. So your child probably isn't at risk as such but may not be cared for appropriately whilst in your ex's care with this woman. The secretiveness could also be to do with benefit fraud if she's pretending she doesn't have a partner.

Tell him he needs to be completely transparent with you or you could contact social services and see if they can offer some support?

She may have her children living with another parent or relative by choice. She may have had them took off her. The name thing would worry more. Has she been caught up in trouble and thats why she doesn't have the children full time, was she classed as a risk to them, has she had them took off her because she put them in danger. I would want answers before my children went back there.

I'm a little confused. They all went swimming het children to. You said your son does not know her real name. So when he's calling her sue instead of Sarah. Do her kids not say that's not her name?

Coukd the kids not being in get full time care be due to an agreement they have ? And mot a social services issue. Although all the lying seens very odd . So could be reasons to be concerned.

Look you don't know what "not in her care" means and because of that you're worried about the safety of your DC when they're with her. You can't trust your ex to be truthful.

Your only option is to phone social services and explain your concerns. Although there's a limit to what they can tell you, they have a duty to safeguard your DC if they know anything about her that is a concern.

@Youagain2025 my son came back calling her"mum" at the time I didn't think she had children and believed her name to be Rachel.
He was calling her mum because her children were, I have since found this out.
Her name isn't Rachel, I know now this because the idiot used my phone to call her one day a few weeks ago and didn't delete her number, she's linked to Facebook and I saw her name (what's app confirmed her identity)

So she still is allowed regular contact with her children unsupervised? That's a lot less worrying

If she has her children some of the time unsupervised then she's obviously not considered a risk. It might be 50/50 or close to that, or their father might have them more because he has a less busy job, or lives closer to their school. It's pretty backward to assume that mothers always have majority care unless they are monsters.

@Mummaonherown Of course your concerns are valid and in your position I would need more information as you do need to risk assess if your son is safe and will be protected from any harm, whether that's by her, your ex or another party.

However there could be a number of reasons that she doesn't have custody of her children that doesn't mean she is a secret Rose West (or similar). She could have failed to protect her children from a DA relationship, she may have had to flee without them, the dad may be difficult and applied for full residency, or she may have issues with her mental health that have made her unpredictable around her children at times, etc. None of those examples make her a saint, but they also won't make her the devil. It is often stigma and reactions like this that SS involvement and removal are kept a secret as it is shameful. I accept the majority of people among us who have been in this situation are for significant concerns but it's not the case for everyone.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum but why lie, we haven't been together for some time. This is what I don't understand.

If she has some unsupervised contact with her own children then I wouldn't necessarily be concerned that she's unsafe for your son to be around. However you could contact Children's Services if you are concerned. Are the children living with their other parent or with a different relative or foster carer?

This exactly.

Also, however frustrating it is he is your child’s father. He doesn’t have to introduce you to his partner first. That would be nice of course but you really don’t get a say. The other parent has decided this person is safe, so unless you have a reason to believe she isn’t (and not having 24/7 custody is not on its own a reason) you can’t stop her being there when he has his child.

Maybe because he didn’t want you to go snooping her profile online and digging for more info? Not saying you’re wrong to do that; but it’s a reason he would lie

This is a very unpopular opinion on MN, but I agree with you. Men are PERFECT and then suddenly change overnight when you’re knee-deep in shit with children.

I guess no one likes admitting they just ignore all of the red flags. Trust me, the majority of women posting in groups like ‘are we dating the same guy’ willingly enter into relationships which shitty men and have their kids, even when commenters are trying to warn them.

Exactly. They may be with their other parent for any reason.

How do you know they’re in care and not shared custody with their dad?