Children not in her care

[Mummaonherown]

I have had issues with my lying cheating ex for months.
He's got a new girlfriend and he has lied about her name, where she is from and whether she had children, all really small issues that I don't think someone really needs to lie about. It made me think he had something to hide.
Right, now I have found out (he admitted it) that she doesn't have her 3 children in her care full time. Am I right to be concerned about this? I thought it was strange as I've spoken to him a few times during the week and he's in the pub with her at 9 at night, she she seems to always be able to drive him around (this was before I found out she had kids) but now I know she's got kids, I was wondering where they were.
I questioned him last night and he admitted it.
From my understanding it takes quite a lot for a mother to loose custody of her children.
My ex asked me not to say anything about his "colourful past" as she would walk.
Now I understand why he has lied so much, he/they are hiding something.
Should I be concerned about her being around my child 4/5 months in?

Isn’t the most obvious answer that she doesn’t have her children full time because the father of her children also has access to them part of the time?

If she has unsupervised contact with her children then even if there was social services involvement in the past, they clearly believe that she is capable of caring for her children now.

It sounds to me like he’s lying about small things to you because he doesn’t want you involved in this new relationship. He doesn’t want you sharing details of his past with her, so why would he want you to meet her, know her name, know her circumstances etc. He’s probably told her that you’re a crazy ex and not to listen to anything you tell her!

If there was a problem with her fitness as a parent, sure SS would remove her children, not just take them away for part of the week and not the rest? It sounds like what you have described, they are with their other parent. That’s completely normal. By that definition, you also don’t have your children living with you full time. Surely, she must have them more than your ex has your son, so of the two of them, she certainly sounds more competent. Please don’t punish your son just because he’s moved on unless you have reason to believe she is a risk.

@MissDoubleU I met his previous gf, had a conversation etc etc never lied to me about her.
This time feels different, lying about someone having children is strange. Why would it matter to me, my son came back calling her mum and it caused issues, that was his chance instead he called his son a liar saying she wasn't there and didn't exist.

she doesn't have her 3 children in her care full time

It all depends on what this actually means... i.e. does she simply share custody 50/50 with her ex? It sounds as though she cares for her children unsupervised (AKA no concerns about her capability). It also sounds as though your ex is minimising/playing down the amount of contact your children have with her/her children (in which case, it probably hasn't occurred to him that his narrative would ring alarm bells). I don't necessarily think you should leap to conclusions without asking further questions (which you should absolutely do... it's important to have trust in all of the adults who care for your children).

how do you know she has lost custody of her children?

Maybe he is trying to protect her. Many in your position would be sat with their pitchforks, creating numerous posts on social media attacking and outing her by now on just the minimal information you have been provided, because that is the world we live in now.

@SpeakFromTheHeart protect her from what? I'm not that person, I had her number as he called her from my phone and didn't delete the number, I've not bothered to contact her that's plenty that I could tell her.
He wouldn't even give his permission to take my son to a friend's wedding in Dublin next week because he thinks "I'll be going with man" which I'm not.
It's all just very strange

Some women don't get them taken away, some give then up because they can't cope full time. It happens.

Amazing how men can get away with being a part time parent and nobody blinks, but a woman....

If she was a danger to children, she would only be allowed to see hers in a contact centre under supervision.

Tbh OP, reading your posts it sounds like he's lied to you because you can't keep yourself out of his life other than necessary. You need to let go of him. He's moved on

My SD (aged 40) does not have her daughter, T, full time. After she split with her partner he went to marry another lady and had 2 further children. T loves to be with her half siblings and things have just evolved where she spends the majority of her time with her Dad, step mum and half siblings.

my SD gets her for holidays and it all works out well for them. Unusual? Maybe but nothing suspicious about it all. That’s life these days

it might be that their father is the resident parent and she does alternate weekends

And there it is.
This is why he didn't tell you

Pregnancy is the point at which DV is most likely to start. It's common for things to be fine until children are involved.

It sounds to me like you're struggling with lack of control over the situation. Searching for her number, social media etc really isn't a good idea. He could well accuse you of harassment if it becomes apparent you are doing these things.

I found it hard when my abusive ex got a partner who spent lots of time with the kids and I never met. But ultimately I felt it was a good thing because it would likely help mitigate some of the issues with their Dad.

Someone who is taking the kids swimming etc could be a really positive thing. The comments about her not having full care of her kids seem to have been taken totally out of context

This shows he has poor boundaries where you are concerned. Which is why he would be concealing a relationship. He thinks you are and he has “issues” with that. Stands to reason he would assume you have issues with his relationship. He is projecting and it is bouncing back. And you are responding in kind by probing him about his relationships.

If you are worried about her, check her out. But my advice would be to stop asking him about his love life. You really don’t have that type of co parenting relationship and you are setting yourself up to let him intrude on your relationships.

Maybe he was afraid you would google her name/home town and find a news article about her, or incase you asked someone did they know her. Or maybe he didnt want you ringing social services so hid her real name to prevent you finding anything out.

The lying means he doesn't want you knowing something about her which is a red flag 🚩

The fact she doesn't have her kids in her custody full time (I'm guessing she has visitation) is also a red flag when paired with him lying about her identity.

I wouldn't be sending my children until I found out if there was a reason to be concerned.

You can do a Claire's law though if she's a danger to children.

It doesn't take that much to lose full-custody of DC. 1) you can choose 50/50 co-parenting. 2) Ex-partner can be an arse and be awkward about visiting rights if the mother is the one who has left the relationship and has nowhere suitable for DC to live, so cannot have full-custody. 3) Ex-partner can have lied in court re custody and visiting so that no legal provision has been made for either contact or finances - at which point the mother needs to go back to court, of course.

All three of these affected me - and I opted for 1), 50/50, once I got to court because of 3) - I could easily have got full-custody but was pretty sure DC would be unhappy. No abuse of DC involved at all.
And those are as likely scenarios as abuse of her DC by your ex's new GF. And it's not your ex's GF's responsibility to look after your DC, it's his when they are in his care. Point this out to him.

But if this woman still has unsupervised contact with her children she clearly isn’t considered a danger to them. Just because she doesn’t have them full time does not indicate any wrong doing, some children actually do have fathers involved and sharing custody.

Women who leave their children get huge stick whilst men who do the same get little. There may be reasons why OP's ex's GF doesn't have her DC full-time and they don't have to be because she was abusive of them. In fact, since she has them some week-ends and is unsupervised with them suggests that there is no issue other than that the parenting arrangements are not what OP - and a lot of judgemental people on here - approve of.
OP should keep out of her ex's love life. It's a massive red flag that she doesn't.

Whilst your ex does indeed sound like a lying scumbag, nothing in your post suggests his girfriend has lost custody of her children just she doesn't have them full time which I would assume meant, they are with their father some of the time. Unless you've missed out a vital piece of information this seems quite a jump from she share custody to she's not safe to be around her children (& therefore yours too).

I shudder to think of a four-year-old at a swimming pool with a possibly untrustworthy adult.

But, if you have the ability to say no more overnight visits until/unless his lies about his GF are checked out, then would you be able to say no more unsupervised visits at all until/unless his lies about his GF are checked out? Especially considering that he denied you taking your child to Dublin when his concerns were unfounded and no man was even involved?

If there is something nefarious going on here, then he might not fight this and might just come visit your child at your home when you're there, and leave his suspiciously anonymous GF at home.

However, I would also be very careful not to do anything that might backfire with the courts. So what you probably need here is to consult with an attorney. Find out your rights etc. from someone who knows them with certainty. I think you are right to be concerned. Lying is not a good sign, especially when it differs with how your ex was about his previous girlfriend. Good luck with it.

eta I know quite a few parents who share custody 50:50 and one father who is primary carer for no other reason than DC's school & parent's work logistics. Nothing sinister, mum is still a good mum but has them 2.5 days a week and dad has them 4.5 days a week because it was agreed to be in the best interests of the children.

The woman has unsupervised contact with her DC. That would not be allowed in the UK if she had lost custody because she had abused them - she would then only have contact in a designated place with social services in attendance. OP is trying to control who her ex goes out with as well as contact with DS. She needs to be careful he does not accuse her of harassment. He needs to stop interfering in her relationships too, btw, and should not have objected to Dublin trip.