Someone called the bloody police on me

[GloriaGee]

And I just feel so completely overwhelmed and devastated.

My son has SEN. He had a meltdown tonight and was trying to hurt me and himself. I restrained him by putting my arms around him, which subsequently led to him screaming for me to get off him.

All calmed down and reading books in bed, when I get a knock on my door. Police officer saying someone called saying they heard a child shouting help (this is not true).

Cue them walking in and seeing my son looking at him with a cheeky smile on his face. When asked if he'd been hurt he said 'only my feelings' then proceeded to talk about how his tablet had been taken away.

I feel completely paranoid not knowing which of my neighbours called (my house is so far back off the road, nobody walks past here). I feel devastated knowing that somebody thinks I have abused my child.

I feel sick. My son is scared the police are going to take him away.

I am so, so tired. I spend all my time keeping my cool, deep breathing through the meltdowns, giving him love and kindness despite him having kicked or hit me 30 mins earlier.

It happened nearly 3 hours ago and I still feel nauseous and tearful.

It might not be someone saying he cried 'Help' it may be that they said it sounded like he needed help.

Children are hurt and killed every day and often, after the fact, neighbours say they heard something.

James Bulger's killers interacted with about 20 adults.

Be glad there are people in the world who hear a child who is distressed and make that call. Your child is safe, not all children are.

Unfortunately it doesn’t result in any extra help although the school are informed so I guess in your case at least the school would then be aware.

Could’ve been someone walking past the house, not necessarily a neighbour.
I would say, imagine if you had fallen down the stairs or something and were unconscious and a neighbour/passer by didn’t respond to calls from a child.

Don't get too hung up on the wording. I won't go into too much detail but I once had to.call the police about an incident and advised someone was "calling for help" what they actually said was more along the lines of "get off me you fucking prick" and a lot of other expletives had it been necessary for any investigation I would have told the police that but it wasn't necessary to tell the police that in order to get them to come out so I paraphrased.

If the neighbour’s posted on mumsnet - I can hear my neighbours kid screaming, sounds like the need help, WWYD.
What would we all tell them?

Honestly, my title was simply out of shock that someone did call the bloody police on me, not insinuating that they shouldn't have. It is shocking and a sharp realisation that my son's behaviour is so severe that it is impacting my neighbours. It's embarrassing and I can't believe it's got to this point. I'm a single mum and I was just overwhelmed that this is my life now. I haven't really slept and am so tired. Appreciate everyone's input.

Not to want to cause alarm to the OP but suggesting people don't call when concerned because they know the child has SEN could lead to abuse being missed. I think any concern for welfare should be checked and not ignored as 'oh that's just so and so having a meltdown' as by doing so abuse could go undetected. In safeguarding you need to be aware of all circumstances.

To the op, I think you have been given a lot of support and I don't want to repeat what has already been said. You mention your child is now scared of the police so my suggestion is to contact your local police station and see if they can organise a police officer or PCSO to visit your son or for you to visit them to show him that they are there to help people, not to scare them. The police have tried to move away from the idea that they will 'lock people up' or be used by parents as a threat 'the policeman is watching you' and do a lot of community events to interact with children.
I hope that you are feeling a bit better this morning about the situation.

I did this once, my brother and I are were out in our garden late night and heard loud upset screaming repeatedly, the person sounded really distressed. We knew which cul-de-sac sac it was on but not which house. We called Police, they updated that it had been a child with SEND who was struggling to regulate. I don't regret doing it though as it may not have been and rather a wrong call out then someone in genuine distress isn't protected.

So parents with SEN children can abuse them but people shouldn't call the police incase the parents get upset?

How would neighbours know any difference? Shouldn't people be looking out for children and not parents 'sensitivities'?

No wonder why some abuse gets ignored

They called with the best of intentions. I probably would if I heard sustained shouting/screaming from a neighbour’s house.

Sorry your son was upset.

Your child was screaming and it could be heard by neighbours who called the police as they were concerned.

How are they to know or understand about your child's meltdowns?

He was screaming ‘get off me’.
Sorry if you heard a child screaming that would you not be concerned? The neighbor had to act as a safeguarding duty.
Maybe good can come out of this and you can offered help to cope with your son’s difficult behaviour (which is not his fault or yours)

Sympathy OP. My son has SEN and has frequent outbursts/meltdowns. This morning before school I was hit because I said he needed to stop playing a game and get dressed. 🤷‍♀️

I do totally get the need to check though, people won’t know the context outside of the house. It is very upsetting though. I’m waiting for it to happen to us tbh. DS is very loud and flies off the handle at the smallest of things.

If only a neighbour had done this for Sara Shariff.

There were siblings with SEN in her home too but an unannounced police check might have been enough to save her.

Don't be embarrassed OP you've done nothing wrong but it was right for a neighbour to want to check everything is OK.

I'm also a parent to a SEN child. I understand what it's like. When we needed to use the nit comb on my DD's hair I ended up closing all the windows and waiting for the doorbell to ring with the police at my door. The screaming level was epic. Murder could have been taking place. I'm sure the police understand and were reassured your son was fine.

A question Op, do your immediate neighbours know your child is SEN and is prone to having meltdowns?

I know it’s none of their business and you’re not obliged to tell anyone anything.

but it does sometimes help…
I live next door to a family with 2 austisitc daughters. One was completely on verbal. At times, especially when they were younger, there were a lot of screams. but neighbours made a point of speaking to me about dc condition so I was aware of what noise was. They’re very open, and 5years later lovely neighbours with lovely daughters that have come on leaps and bounds. Because they were so open, and I witnessed melt downs and could see how parents handled it, I never have had concerns . Actually they deserve bloody medals. I can cope with odd bit of screaming, I know it will be short lived, I know what is happening.

If your neighbours don’t know, they’ll be two drivers. They won’t know what screaming is caused by, and worry, and just as critically, they won’t know how long it will likely go on for and how frequently it will happen. There’s a noise nuisance factor playing out here too, as well as the concern level they can call police for.

By knowing this is behaviour issue, that you do have tools and tactics to manage , they can be reassured that they’re not living near a “neighbour form hell” with a permenant noise nuisance.

if it is your direct neighbours, also think about where you take your child when having a melt down, if you have one party wall, see if you can create a “safe” area on other side of house where less noise can be heard? Appreciate might not be possible.

talk to them. Engage with them. Most people once they know what you are both dealing with (you and your dc) will be empathetic.

I called the police once about a former neighbour where the child was shouting "help" having been shut in the garden. I was 90% sure they were fine but couldn't take the chance and people I know in social work said I did the right thing

Hope you are feeling a bit better today.
I wouldn’t get hung up on the wording. Neighbour might have said it sounds like child needed help, call handler types something and police officer has worded that way.
Don’t be embarrassed I’d view it as a positive someone cares about you and your son.

Damned if you do, damned if you dont. Do all your neighbours know your situation? Could it be a person who doesn't know your circumstances and was just doing their best for people and reporting what sounded like a serious situation?

Calm down, be happy there are people about who care enough and accept that this may happen again.

I know. This point has been made lots of times now and I appreciate it.

How old is your son?

No. But if there is a condition/disability. (Not just children) meltdowns are a regular occurance. If you repeatedly call police out on every disabled individual every time..I dont think we have enough police force to visit every single meltdown..
I was only wondering about following up to the reporter..not too stop them..but so they know when they feel a pattern changes or the sound differs from usual behaviour. I wouldn't report every single shout, if I was aware, context, circumstances changes things because a shout from one household every day at 4pm because it's bathtime meltdown over sudden screaming at an unusual time which is not in usual context id think accident and call. Repeated calls can hinder not help, like boy crying wolf. Calling when the police can actually arrive at abusive situations and intervene..else abusers just cover up.

It's always possible that it sounded different from outside. The fact he didn't use the word help doesn't mean it didn't sound like that from where the person was, especially if they only heard part of the exchange but I don't think that's really the area to focus on. Are you getting all the support you need? This could be the catalyst to push for further support as physically restraining him is not going to work for much longer when he grows bigger and stronger. You will need other strategies then so this might be a bit of a blessing to look into other methods because you are going to need them anyway.

Ok, i have been in exactly the same situation (except the spiteful neighbours knew exactly what was happening when they phoned the police). I'd just dealt with a violent school refusal meltdown, where he was screaming, trying to kick the door through and being full on violent to me (I was covered with bruises afterwards).

The police were actually lovely and they will make a note on the system that your child has SEN and meltdowns. You may be offered some support from social services, my son was offered counciling, which helped a little with the meltdowns in as much as he learnt to articulate some of his feelings.

I wouldn't recommend talking to your neighbours, tbh, mine know full well that I have two autistic children in thr house and am autistic myself and still called the police. Just interaction with the police if/when they arrive, don't sugarcoat anything, and after a couple of callouts, they'll put a note on the system and probably just contact you if another call is made to make sure everything is ok

I would let the neighbour know what’s going on. It’s really scary to hear a child in distress.

I understand your anger, frustration and may be fear (of what they could have done) and disappointment in your neighbours. But they may have held what sounded like help. Ultimately they did this with best intentions. How many Times have we read of a murdered child then neighbours' testimonies that they did hear screams. This sentence probably makes you feel worse because that's not your case.But they came, they checked, all OK.
As others have said, take care of yourself and use any help you may have