Someone called the bloody police on me

[GloriaGee]

And I just feel so completely overwhelmed and devastated.

My son has SEN. He had a meltdown tonight and was trying to hurt me and himself. I restrained him by putting my arms around him, which subsequently led to him screaming for me to get off him.

All calmed down and reading books in bed, when I get a knock on my door. Police officer saying someone called saying they heard a child shouting help (this is not true).

Cue them walking in and seeing my son looking at him with a cheeky smile on his face. When asked if he'd been hurt he said 'only my feelings' then proceeded to talk about how his tablet had been taken away.

I feel completely paranoid not knowing which of my neighbours called (my house is so far back off the road, nobody walks past here). I feel devastated knowing that somebody thinks I have abused my child.

I feel sick. My son is scared the police are going to take him away.

I am so, so tired. I spend all my time keeping my cool, deep breathing through the meltdowns, giving him love and kindness despite him having kicked or hit me 30 mins earlier.

It happened nearly 3 hours ago and I still feel nauseous and tearful.

I think it’s really easy for people to say you shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s not that simple or easy.

Posters are actually being very sympathetic, while reassuring the OP that it was unlikely to be personal.

Again, because people want to help!

So OP if you heard a child in a neighbouring property like this would you just ignore and think the child is fine no need to do anything?

Where did it imply that?

I’m sorry OP that sounds horrible and I totally get why you feel the way you do. The truth is you are parenting a very high needs child and doing your very best, you have nothing to apologise for or feel bad about. As you think it’s a neighbour who reported you I’m going to go against the grain and say I don’t think they should have - assuming they know you and your child, and know your child has additional needs?

Please do write a note or a FB post to neighbours. They will be able to understand your situation a lot better and perhaps help, which is what the vast majority of people want to do. Whoever called the police will have done so out of concern but I totally get that it was really upsetting for you. You poor thing, you sound shattered. I'm glad you have good friends to help you. But your other neighbours might be able to help share the load a little as well if you confide in them.

I understand that you were embarrassed and also felt threatened. Anyone would feel that way in that situation.

That said, I think someone just misheard and misunderstood. Which would mean they actually acted appropriately, based on what their mistaken concerns.

They'll probably find out the truth of the situation. And then they'll be the ones who are embarrassed, when they realize their mistake.

Anyway, it sounds like the authorities got it right and also that you have plenty of support. I think it will just blow over soon. Best wishes.

"SOMEONE CALLED THE BLOODY POLICE ON ME"

This strongly implies that they shouldn't have. Which in turn implies that you wouldn't have.

I hope things feel better in the morning OP.

In your position I would drop individual cards through each neighbours door, explaining your child’s condition and apologising for any disturbance. I would include my number and email address too, should they wish to get in touch.

It would be far better to explain the issue rather than get angry. At the very least they can message to check you are okay next time rather than calling the police.

I know you are upset, but the neighbours did the right thing with yours and your child’s best interests at heart. Many more children would be saved if more adults took an interest. In your case there was never any need to worry but that’s not always the case. Sometimes people become desemtised to the extent of the disruption, which is understandable. Be happy you live around people that care op.

We had the police called on us in IKEA. Someone thought my ex was kidnapping our son.

It was embarrassing but I just assumed they meant well and I’m grateful people look out for kids

Op if it makes you feel even a tiny bit better my DD had such a huge meltdown in a shopping centre once someone called security as they thought I was trying to abduct her. She was screaming "You are hurting me", flailing, kicking, hyperventilating even though I was just sat next to her on the floor .It was a horrendous day and well before we knew she was autistic. I completely get your feelings. I can laugh about it now -10 years on. I used to dread someone calling the police but also kind of wondered why no one did as her regular meltdowns did sound like a child in terrible danger.

Could be a case of chinese whispers- the officer who came wouldn't have spoken directly to the person who called, the caller could have said 'just heard a child shouting', call handler would input into system as ' welfare check, child shouting', call dispatcher said 'welfare check, heard screaming child', officer said 'welfare check, child screaming for help'.

It's been horrible but try not to get caught up over wording. As PP said be happy that you have neighbours who care.

You say that your son is scared the police are going to take him away. You need to reassure him strongly that this isn't the case, and you need to make sure you don't suggest to him (now or going forward) that he can't shout or tell others outside of the home how he's feeling, in case the police come again. That is the most damaging thing you could do to him. He needs to be able to talk to other adults and yell when in distress without having this terrible threat hanging over him.

no one is going to take your son away. SS don't do that unless there is clear and immediate harm to the child - their approach is supportive intervention.

To be fair, I wouldn't stop worrying about a child's safety just because he has SEN. SEN children shouldn't be abused either, you know.

If you are worried OP, next time set up to film yourself during the meltdown (if this isn’t inflammatory or distressing to your child). It is better to have concerned neighbours - they aren’t to know and did the right thing. They can’t discern a meltdown from a child genuinely in danger. Hopefully now they do know, and so do the police. Xx

This sounds so difficult OP, I would feel the same as you. Horrible not knowing who did this, even if their intentions were good.

I watched a recent documentary about mothers dealing with violent meltdowns from their SEN children - it was such an eye opener and absolutely heartbreaking. Nothing but admiration for anyone who has to deal with this day in and day out, it must be so exhausting and soul-destroying. The last thing you needed was a police visit!

As others have said, try to remember that it was no doubt done for the right reasons - and the ‘help’ bit was possibly miscommunicated. And remember that you are doing an amazing job in circumstances that most people have absolutely no idea about.

So if you know a child has additional needs, you shouldn't intervene if you hear them screaming for help?

You should help your son not be afraid of the Police.
Help him to understand that if he, or anyone, heard a small child shouting - Get off me, No, get off! - most people would hear it as a call for help.
Calling the Police is great because what if a robber was stealing your TV and your money and holding children down?

It ishard for you. Good luck with the ramifications. And every good wish for you, your son and his behaviour issues.

Thank the Police and give them permission to report back to the informer about what exactly they found and how it is being handled. This will give the informer some perspective of your situation and new information that they can use if they hear shouting again..
Maybe your son could make biscuits and give them a gift. It is very noble and neighbourly of them to watch out for kids.

I am sorry you feel bad OP, but at the end of the day if a neighbour hears a kid screaming "Get off me" and they have no prior knowledge or other context, they should call the police.

Sounds like your son is still quite young. In a few years time you might be grateful for that phonecall.
I hope you can get some help with his meltdowns before he's too big to restrain.
Your neighbours did the right thing, they can't see through walls and they heard a child in distress.

I honestly wouldn’t worry, social services will ring but will have dealt with cases like this thousands of times and even if your child was yelling help what does it matter? They weren’t actually in need of help but reacting in the situation……I think most people with kids have been there and had outbursts or heard outbursts of neighbours kids……..we live next door to an autistic kid and he’s always having screaming fits or banging walls, honestly don’t even worry, social services would only support you anyway if you felt you needed help if not tell them you’re absolutely fine without, don’t panic we’ve all been there x

I'm so sorry you went through that op. My 4yo has autism and he can be violent during a meltdown, will scream and hit, kick and is very loud. I'm always worried about what the neighbours think and I also worry about what DS says in school because he has a very over active imagination - yesterday he told me that all of his classmates picked up the teachers and put them in the bin. Last week aliens visited school.

We had the police called before similar situation, police have been lovely but obviously only deal with the immediate situation. Police said you us “I can see you are doing all the right things it’s obvious you just need support”. Social services aren’t interested though once they establish the child isn’t at risk, it doesn’t matter if parent at risk from child meltdowns

Do the callers get updated that police have checked and it's not what they presumed?

Just wondering because if they aren't aware the situation has been checked and police satisfied, they may call again, whereas if they then know its a child with SEN and they have professional support already then police won't be called out every time?

OP i sympathise, I have been waiting for a knock at my door. My toddler has a developmental delay and is under investigation. Under paediatrics, complex needs support, physio etc. We get periods of intense meltdowns which feel like it's 24 hours a day. Last summer we had people gathering outside her window chatting about her distress during a meltdown, I was certain someone would call very surprised they didn't..but either way I think its only a matter of time before we get a visit especially she gets older and the needs become more apparent. Our immediate neighbours are aware as I often apologise for challenging periods (whole of Xmas was hell)
Although I understand people reporting with good intentions, unfortunately as exhausted, stressed parents it just feels like another issue and assumption you have to deal with among the ever growing list. For a while the fear of judgement impacted me very negatively, the more desperate I became to control her condition to stop strangers and neighbours assumptions, the worse her meltdowns became. As I would rush her de-escalation, or the anxiety to make her expression of overwhelm quiet made us all worse. Now I just try and shut everything off to focus soley on her and the moment.
Some days it feels like a really crap end of the stick and your dawned of you do dawned if you don't.

Sometimes I wish our neighbours would call the police when my teenager is having a meltdown. The meltdowns can last for up to two hours, and are exhausting for us. It doesn’t happen anywhere else, just in the house, and the neighbours through the wall are probably the only witnesses because she is lovely at school and everywhere else.

Any support for her and the family is minimal. She will probably age out of the camhs waiting list. So if the police turned up I would know that somebody official knew, and that might kickstart the support that no-one thinks she needs.