To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

It affected me badly. Not a smack on the bum for an obvious misdemeanor but the fact that as smacking was socially acceptable my mother would use it as an excuse for a proper slap fest. She would hit over and over and over in a total rage.

She had hormone problems, she was VILE, but that didnt excuse her beating a small child. Stopped when I screamed in her face and belted her one back across the face when I was about 15. Then it became verbal and emotional, I was a slut, a lazy bitch....you name it. The slapping was better.

I was smacked occasionally. I wasn't a particularly difficult kid either, my sister was a bit of a handful and she got smacked more often. It didn't help either of us in any way, I think it was just our parents venting their frustration in the moment. I felt anger when they did it, and it felt unfair although I couldn't figure out why til I was an adult myself. I don't smack my own kids, it wouldn't help them at all. I get on ok with my parents now but smacking us was wrong, no excuses.

1974 baby here. I was smacked as a child, not a lot but when I deserved it. It didn‘t impact me beyond a few minutes and did not impact on my relationship with my parents.

I guess the flip side to being smacked when I was naughty is that I was always loved and my parents showed that every day. I never doubted that I was loved. I just knew the days I had been naughty.

Your mother and mine sound identical. I too got the shouting and screaming for ages. And now, the gaslighting and denial. She says that we make things up and lie to make her look bad and to be honest I dont think that she does remember most of it. I suspect that its not to hide from it but it really wasnt important enough to her to remember! Which is a double insult when you think about it.

I was smacked twice as a kid. I vividly remember the second time because it felt very unfair at the time, and looking back on it, both my mum and I agree that she resorted to smacking me because she was extremely stressed at that time and that I wasn't being purposefully 'naughty'

I don't blame her and I'm not angry with her as an adult. I can completely empathise with how frustrated she felt at that moment. But I was raised in a home where I felt loved and safe and my parents weren't often angry. If my home life was more like the OP describes, I think I'd feel differently. Physical punishment where you're scared of a parent must feel very different.

I haven't ever smacked my kids, and I wouldn't. But I have
shouted in frustration and anger and that makes me ashamed. I'm not sure if that's very much different than being smacked.

I also knew I was loved. I get that it was a different time etc. I just don't understand how they could justify it, especially for the things I was being punished for. I was a really normal kid, who sometimes made mistakes or got angry. Only I didn't hit them when I got angry, but they could hit me?!

Smacked a lot, yes. No that doesn’t really bother me. It’s just how it was. The being shouted at though. That has damaged me. I react quite strongly to being shouted at now. I was labelled naughty but actually I was just struggling with my parents’ toxic marriage, my father’s autism, my mother’s alcoholism, my own ADHD. Of course none of that was recognised back then. I was just told I was naughty and shouted at and hit a lot. I don’t think the hitting has done the damage. It’s all the rest of it which has probably had the biggest impact.

Your post brought tears to my eyes (and I am not usually a weepy person) because I remember feeling exactly like this, just wanting some comfort.

I was smacked a lot, by both parents but mostly by my mother who had a very nasty temper, she never apologised to me for doing it but always said sorry and made up to my siblings if she hurt them. She had a nasty spiteful streak, would break my toys out of spite and thrash the living daylights of me when in one of her bad moods and one time she threw my brothers action man on the fire, he was devastated. It still affects me when I think about it, but she wouldn't address it ever when we were older she would just roll her eyes and say "yes I was a terrible mother, but you're still here aren't you! ". I went no contact 30 years ago

I was smacked as a kid, more than my siblings, because I was a little shit who used to test boundaries constantly. I remember my mum chasing me with her slipper, and it flying past my head as I legged it 😂 Do I judge her - no. My dad was often away and she was managing 3 children alone the best way she knew how, and I was never bruised or actually injured: it was only ever a short, sharp shock-type smack. I know I made her life hard when I was young. I hope that by nursing her during her illness, and being with her when she died, I gave back some of the love she gave me. And I always knew I was loved. She was a wonderful woman.

What caused me permanent physical and psychological damage was being attacked by strangers as an adult. As in, I feared (and fought) for my life. To compare the ‘violence’ in the different scenarios is totally ludicrous, it’s incomparable.

I was smacked in the 80s/90s. I do think it affected me. Im still a bit afraid of my parents

I haven’t, hence I’m asking the question. However, i don’t think describing a debate as “making a fuss” moves us on any further, which is why I politely suggested avoiding topics which are irritating. You could also do the same if you are here to start a fight - I’m here to see what people have to say, which is why I have thanked people for engaging when they have made considered points, including people who have disagreed. No participation is obligatory.

I was smacked. Had a belt a few times, mouth washed out with soap, hit in the mouth once. Born mid 70s. Not an excuse but my dad was badly beaten as a lad to the point he was put into convalescence.

I would never do this to my precious DC
No matter what.

My parents did smack but I don't recall it being excessive, not that I agree with it as a form of discipline. In fact the only incident I can actually recall is being slapped on the thigh when we were on holiday. We were in a caravan and my mother was trying to cook. I think I remember it as I felt it was unfair. I was colouring or something and probably talking loudly, and she was irritated and stressed by whatever she was doing, and I'm left with the feeling that she was taking that out on me. I remembered her moods more than the smacking.

I guess there is some resentment but overall she was usually a good parent, just a bit highly strung. And smacking was common place then.

Same. I think I got 2 smacks during my childhood on the back of my legs/bottom. It didn't affect me and I never give it a thought. It was what happened to naughty DC in the days of my childhood.

I was smacked occasionally, there was always a reason and it’s had no impact on me as an adult, my parents were lovely. I smacked my eldest once, for running into the road to get away from me when I was trying to put his coat on, it was pouring with rain. A car had to swerve and it scared me. Other than that I didn’t smack my kids, though I was sorely tempted a few other times. I was never smacked at school, corporal punishment was very rare at my school.

If this thread proves anything its that there is a world of difference between a smack from a loving parent who genuinely thought that they were doing the right thing(Spare the rod, spoil the child etc) and the ones who just took out their anger, stress, temper or rage on a kid just because they were bigger and stronger so the kid could do nothing about it. One doesnt leave scars, the other does.

And I agree that the ranting and shouting was often worse than the violence.

I was smacked occasionally, usually by my Mum, usually on the arm or bum. I have no strong feelings either way about it now - I don't think she was ever out of control.

I was at the trampoline park earlier and heard a huuuuge man threaten to smack his very young daughter. It made me feel physically sick. My parents smacked me occasionally and it has taught me to never ever be violent towards my child.

I was smacked frequently from early childhood through my teens for anything and everything; rarely for 'bad' behaviour and frequently as the recipient of my parents anger and frustations. Sometimes with a hand but also with a slipper or hard plastic spoon.
I'm still traumatised by it several decades on and it has marred my relationship with my mum who feels she did nothing wrong and it was what everyone did.

It did affect me a lot. I was smacked, and sometimes hit in other ways. It was my mum, never my dad.
She was unpredictable,and she was the scariest thing in my life. I was desperate for her love, and still am at the grand old age of 47! We have a very uneasy relationship but I love her. I can't stand her either . It's very mixed/messed up. I carry this huge sense of being unworthy of love and deserving to be treated with a lack.of respect. With that comes a lot of anger, and a strong feeling that I've been at the receiving end of huge unfairness. I don't even remember doing anything wrong, and I grew up very resentful of her. The last time she slapped me (at the dinner table, with all my younger siblings and dad around), I was 15 and I felt I was going to hit her back. I stopped myself short. She must have sensed it and stopped after that. I'm now having to work extremely hard on my anger so I don't "lose it" like she did. It's not fair I've been passed on this awful load, which was put o to me as an innocent child. I have compassion for her too ,as she wasn't raised well by her parents (they pretty much abandoned her). I still feel the hot pang of shame, resentment and utter desolation. I felt as a child when I got slapped. It's created a lot of damage unfortunately.

I was only smacked once in my childhood (as far as I remember) but I recall it vividly. My mother did it and she would be mortified if she knew I held onto it, I was probably about four having a tantrum and she got in a rage came out of the kitchen and smacked me. I remember lying on the ground shocked. The fact I remember well over 30 years later says it all about the lasting impact.

My father really lost it with my brother once, he was about 9 and hit him and held him against a wall. This was the day my brothers aniexty attacks started. This lasted with him even until now in middle age.

It’s interesting that when my sister was in a bad relationship and her partner raised his voice at their DD, my parents were aghast that this was the worst thing that could ever happen to a child. It just shows how people can rewrite history.

I was smacked. Only by my mum and never when my dad was there. Hard enough to leave handprints.

I ended up a child who wouldn’t try anything if there was a risk of failing or making mistakes. i’m now a hyper anxious perfectionist terrified of doing anything wrong. I dwell on “mistakes”, sometimes for years.

usually when I was smacked it was for something I didn’t know was wrong until I got the smack. I’d then hide in my room going over all my faults and promising myself I’d be “good” and wouldn’t do anything wrong again. Which of course was completely unsustainable, then I’d be even harder on myself the next time.

i don’t think it was effective. For me, pointing out the mistake and helping me fix it would have been a better solution. people fuck up, and I think learning that is a valuable lesson which physical violence doesn’t teach.

@PyongyangKipperbang and @Greenshortwonder this is where I was as well. It was never “just a smack”.
I wasn’t a naughty kid - quite the opposite, tried to be little ms perfect because I was terrified of what would happen if I wasn’t.
There was an incident when I must have been about 8 and god knows what triggered it. I heard the shouting and ran and hid in the cupboard under the stairs and parent dragged me out, landing a smack with every syllable. I curled into a foetal position and have no idea how long it went on until it stopped. My sibling watched.

My parents never smacked us.. but l got smacked in junior school age 9 for something l didn't do.. with a ruler on back of my thighs leaving red welts.. my Dad went straight up to school to complain.. l still talk about it to my therapist to this day and I'm now 66. I never smacked my daughters.