To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I don’t see anything wrong with it - I was smacked and it was never that it physically hurt, it was the shame you felt. You certainly didn’t rush to do whatever you were being punished for again.

I was smacked. I don’t think it was abuse. It didn’t bother me then and doesn’t now.

I was smacked regularly with slippers, apparently I should have been grateful it wasn't a golf shoe with studs. I remember complying as I was scared, I grew up in an abusive household. I have never hurt my.kids. its unacceptable..I don't like my parents much as an adult.

My parents used to shout / cry / overly discuss things/ guilt trip. I honestly think a quick smack would have been better. I was smacked a couple of times and it was less traumatic than other forms of punishment

I was just pondering this recently. I was smacked in anger and frustration and my relationship with my parents was crap. It’s abuse. You couldn’t do it an another adult if you were angry with them so why can you for children.

I was smacked (but only if I had done something naughty and my parents would explain after the smack why I had received the smacked bottom) but it was never very hard and I remember it was more the “shock” that would make me cry rather than the smack. I don’t have a problem with being smacked because I had a fantastic childhood, felt loved and the smacks were few and far between.
I think the different responses you are getting is dependent on how hard and often people got smacked. My mum would “warn” us that if we continued doing X then she would smack our bum, if we then continued she would give us one more warning then we got the smack. So I don’t/can’t blame my parents as I was fully aware that it was coming :)

I was smacked a few times. It happened very rarely. But I remember it making me feel really sad. I remember the anger in my mum and I remember being really confused not understanding what I did wrong. Like genuinely thinking I had done nothing wrong. I wonder what it was that made her smack me. In my eyes she had lots control and overreacted

I was smacked a fair bit. Face, legs, hand, belt.

A lot of the time I didn’t know why I was being smacked. I think my parents were just angry sometimes and it wasn’t about anything I did.

I remember at primary school the teachers were allowed to hit kids also. It was just how society was at the time.

Today we know there are better ways to discipline a child and smacking is not necessary.

I don’t think it did me any harm, if anything it was good to learn that life is unfair.

That said, when time comes those fuckers are going in a care home.

Interesting.

Alot of the time I didn’t know what I had done. Or whatever I had done had been acceptable until it suddenly wasn’t.
I remember the confusion and fear and shame.
My parents also had a godawful rule that afterwards they would hold you in a sort of restraint hold until you stopped crying and hugged them.

Yes, abuse.

I can vividly remember it.
I can’t understand how any parent would wait for the other to come home from work and get them to hit them. Like how would that conversation go? They’ve been so naughty this afternoon, they deserve to be smacked, or was it the go to reaction?
How could anyone allow this or think it was okay?

Mid 60s born - smacked maybe 2-3 times. However, think that growing up in a school environment which allowed throwing of blackboard erasers, smashing of yardsticks and the threat of the cane as well as a very shouty father has contributed to a fear of "authority" figures...I don't have kids but only once shouted at dear niece because she walked out of a restaurant and disappeared when I had her and her sister for the weekend - I still feel horrible about it - I was scared - no excuse.

It was the done thing for most parents.

I remember one time my dad pulled the car over and had us turn to face the back of the seats so he could smack us. He really hurt me that time. I remember so vividly how furious he was and how scared I was. It was must so calculated with the turning round.

I also remember being sick in a shop and my dad literally dragging me by my arm crying to (quote) "give me a walloping". I don't remember what happened.

I have some sort of half memory of being smacked around the face and having a bruise but I've no idea if that's a real or not. I hope not but wouldn't be surprised.

My dad used to smack us and then send us to bed. When HE felt ready, he would come up and make friends with us, whether we were ready or not. He'd then talk about how it made him feel worse than it made us feel. If I didn't agree and look like I'd forgiven him, then he'd shout at me and say "cheer up or ill give you sonething else to cry about". Out of all of it, THIS is what makes me the most angry.

It was just... normal. It's weird because they weren't abusive parents (with a capital A). Theyd smack as punishment only but when I think about some of times it IS really horrible what they used to do. I'm like "they didn't abuse me but then again there was that time when..."

I am not comparing it to children who were abused with a capital A. 😓

I really struggle with it tbh. The other week I mentioned another instance to my husband (it was relevant to the conversation) and he looked horrified. I didn't really understand how awful it was until he looked at me like that.

If I did it to our child, I would fully expect him to (rightly) kick me out and go for sole custody.

Why would you hurt someone who you mean the world to and who utterly depends on you?

I'll never get closure on it and I doubt they'd even acknowledge half of it, or if they did, they'll try to justify it.

I agree!
It probably did do harm if you feel it did no harm, if that makes sense! As in, it has shaped your world view to think that it wasn’t a big deal.

I was smacked often by my mother (who was seen as strict by my peers). If I was being naughty - probably being horrid to my younger sister. It was never very hard, only on the bottom through clothes, and at the moment of transgression. I have seen my cat batting someone she is cross with in a similar way! My father smacked us only a couple of times in our lives, and we were scared of him doing it, as he smacked harder. If he was going to punish us, it would have been for something a lot more serious. I remember once running up the stairs and locking myself in the loo to avoid his punishment. He did not smack me after that, as was shocked that I was scared of him. My mother stopped smacking me when I laughed at her for it when I was around 12. As others have said, this was all in the context of a loving parental relationship, and was the way my mother had been brought up herself. I don’t feel any animosity towards my parents for it. I don’t feel it was abuse. In fact I want to strongly defend my parents against anyone who would say these smacks constituted abuse. I see it as VERY different from hitting, slapping faces, beating, caning etc.

I was smacked by both parents. Hands, slippers. It was called "spanking". It was often and it was inconsistent and I grew up terrified. I learned to be perfect because it meant I was less likely to be hit, but it wasn't always effective. It restricted me, and still causes me severe anxiety that I've done something wrong even when I know that I am honest, don't lie and treat everyone kindly and politely.

Because I'm terrified of being hit.

It is abuse.

My DGF once yanked a little boy (son of my mum's friend) by putting two fingers into his collar and pulling him. His mum came and yelled at my DGF and I was shocked that someone had the audacity to call him out.

In that moment I knew I would never have children because I saw how the violence has cascaded down the generations. It stops with me I thought. I was 13.

Later, when I was in my 30s, I once saw my DM say to my three year old niece that if she didn't get out of the car, she would get a smack. My niece was just being a bit silly. I knew if I had had kids I couldn't let my DM be alone with them in case she hit them.

The last time my DF hit me was when I was 19. I was at home from studying law at university and I said something smart or clever that he took against. He hit me over my head. I stood up and told him that it was assault and the next time he hit me I would call the police.

I never had children.

I still struggle with the fear. Yes it was different back then and both my parents were poorly parented. But it was my childhood and plenty of people didn't hit their kids. Children shouldn't grow up in terror.

For those who were smacked and it was fine, you were lucky.

I was smacked. I can honestly say I would never have given it a second thought if it wasn't for people here on MN making a fuss. It's not affected me in any way at all.

My mum didn't hesitate to hit us herself, but the phrase 'wait till your father gets home' was in common currency in the 80s and earlier, so this must have happened in some households.

Not bothered by it at all. Obviously it wasnt fun at the time but I expect I drove my parents mad on occasion.

Yes I see this in myself

I was a pretty compliant child, largely through fear. And took a long time to develop self esteem and resilience

I know my parents loved me, and accept they didn't know any better, but even as an adult, there's a part of me that's just a little bit frightened of them. And that makes me v sad indeed

Wow.

Possibly it did limit your empathy levels?

I would add that this was always a smack on the arm or bottom not being hit round the head or punched etc.

Same. I was smacked with a slipper or a wooden spoon. Or slapped round the face. I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids 😱

Smacked with enough force to leave marks underwear and trousers pulled down around my ankles and face grabbed while shouting an inch from my face was common. This was in the 90s and 00s . I think it was a loss of control and more about my mums emotions than me actually doing anything very bad . Mouth washed out with soap was also a fairly common punishment.
I dont feel that it really has ruined my adult relationship with her . I did leave home as soon as i finished school . Im also a massive people pleaser so maybe im just frightened to be honest about the impact it has had .
I don't smack my kids . She agrees that you shouldn't but believes it was a different time and my children dont deserve what i did... Almost like not being aggressive/ hitting them has been a better way of parenting !

That's great that it had little impact on you, but please don't dismiss other people's experience as making a fuss

I was smacked and I can remember the exact scenarios it happened in and it felt very illogical at the time, and when I look back the smacking still feels illogical.

I think that paired with the being treated with contempt at times made it feel bigger than perhaps it was? I mean I look at my kids when they frustrate the hell out of me, and I never feel the urge to smack them, I take a deep breath I parent myself first then I deal with them calmly. How I do this I don’t know at the behaviour wasn’t modelled to me. The desire for my children never to feel how I felt as a child is my overall driver, but I don’t know why that wasn’t enough for my parents.