To ask how those of us who were smacked

[ButThisIsMyHappyFace]

Feel about it now?

Apologies if this is a stupid or triggering question but I’m re-evaluating a number of things from my childhood, trying to figure out why my relationship with my DM is so difficult. One of those things is smacking. She smacked me repeatedly, in anger. I never understood what I had done that was so wrong. She has never apologised, although I know she thinks it’s wrong to smack children nowadays. I know that very many kids born in the 80s and earlier were smacked - it was normal. I’m not asking if it’s wrong to smack. I know it is wrong and I will never smack my DC. My question is: those of us on here who were smacked as kids - how do you feel about it now? Do you feel it was abusive? Or is that not really a helpful way of looking at it anyway?

I was smacked and beaten (with slipper/shoe) frequently, by both parents, sometimes leaving bad bruising. I wasn't an intentionally naughty child; I was a high academic achiever and never got hit at school although others did.

I was eventually (in my 40s) diagnosed as autistic and it's clear much of my childhood behaviour that 'earned' smacks and beatings was a facet of that - being unable to do certain things due to what we'd now call sensory issues, having meltdowns because something was 'wrong' in my world and I couldn't put it right, or being seen as rude/cheeky due to tone of voice and being precocious in my vocabulary.

My parents have never said (in later life) that their behaviour was wrong, in their view it was what everyone was doing at the time, including schools. I do accept this to a certain extent but I think the severity and frequency of what happened to me was wrong and beyond what can be excused by 'the times'. This is why I am strongly in favour of banning smacking - then there can be no excuse, no crossing of a line between a 'token' smack and a beating.

I do feel this has affected me in adult life, for example, finding it difficult to recognise and extricate myself from abusive relationships.

My parents are now elderly and mentally and physically enfeebled; my mum in particular has become very 'childlike', it is hard to believe what they were like back in the 70s and 80s. My sister and I do our best for them. In some respects, they were good parents - I can think of many times they went to great efforts to do nice things for us - so I try to remember that side of my childhood, not the 'dark side'.

I don't have children of my own, but based on my childhood experiences, I don't apologise for having an opinion on smacking; that it should without question be banned.

I have only one memory of being smacked, I was born in 1965 so of the generation when smacking was considered part of parenting. I remember being very naughty and running up the stairs away from my mum who smacked me hard against the back of my thighs. My dad was so upset at the time and later told me it hurt him to see the red marks left on my legs. The thing is my mum was normally a very gentle and kind person who I considered my best friend, I don't think she abused me, but that she lashed out as I was probably being awful, I know I was hard work as a child, but what saddens me is my dads reaction and how much seeing this upset him as he didn't believe in smacking at all, and my dad was 10 years older than my mum, he was born in 1928 so I would have thought he would have been stricter of the 2 of them. Its the only time I remember being smacked too

I was smacked as a child. I don’t think too much about it, I understand it was the norm back then and my parents didn’t know any different. Not an excuse, but a reason.

I feared my parents, and as a result hid things from them and we weren’t close when I was a teen. I wouldn’t have spoken to them about anything of importance.

I have never smacked my children, a teen and pre-teen, and like to think I have a great relationship with both. We talk, they confide in me, my home isn’t ruled by fear. I would have liked to have been a bit less shouty sometimes as they grew up, but I’m not pretending to be perfect.

I got hit all the time as a child. For the smallest things. I still remember the fear, running away from my parents and trying to hide.

One of my earliest memories is trying to escape from it- running out the front door and down the stairs, around the side of the house. I ran and ran but I tripped on a bush or something and fell over and my mother caught me and hit me. I must have only been 2 or 3.

It was mainly my Mum, sometimes my Dad. Rarely with just hand, it was usually with a plastic spatula or kitchen implement. Never one hit either, always multiple. Left marks. They were red and stung.

They did it until I was in year 9. Then I left home to get away. I remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed.

I was born in the 90s. My parents would say it was normal in these times.

I have poor mental health, low self esteem, constantly walk around thinking I’m a terrible person and someone will find out.

I have never hit my kids.

My Dad never raised his hand (nor his voice), he was and still is a gentle soul 😊
My Mum would smack us occasionally. As others have said, it was the go to method of discipline in the 80's. I was scared of my Mum's wrath, not in an anxious way, scared because she'd follow through on consequences - if she said I was grounded for a week, she meant it. She never caved, I had to serve my time 😂 I would've preferred a clip round the ear than a week grounded!
I can't remember exactly what age I was when she stopped hitting, what I do remember is I lifted my hand to hit her back - and she never hit again.
Looking back, my Mum's temper was verging on unreasonable. I don't bear any malice though, she dealt with a lot (acute loss at too young an age, amongst other things) and we had an amazing relationship as adults. I lost her 5 years ago, and I miss her dearly.

This reminds me, I did retaliate once and pulled my mums hair so hard she cried, and the memory of her tears is very painful, I loved my mum and she loved me but my thoughts as a child was you hit me I will hurt you back.

theres only one time I was smacked and remember it. It was at school for something I didn’t do and it’s the injustice I remember more than anything.

I was born in 1962. I think our parents had some real genuine challenges back then and I'm not surprised they 'went to town' sometimes.

I look back at what my parents had to deal with and how they got through, I have no clue.

I was but not regularly. I don't feel it was abuse, just a poor parenting choice, done in desperation mostly.
I wouldn't do it to my kids. It isn't productive, and I wouldn't want my kids to be even a bit afraid of being hit by me.
But tbh, what I remember more is my dad getting angry. When he's in a mood or cross (and that hasn't changed) he radiates stress and anger in a way that makes my stomach turn and I'd just want to shut down and not engage.
He'd never have 'hit' and when we were smacked (which was rare, and probably not past like 8ish?) It wasn't in a rage. But the anger and shouting and aggression is much worse.
Not something I give any thought to and isn't relevant or have any impact on our relationship today.

I was smacked as was my brother. Both parents had no control over their tempers and my mother was also emotionally abusive. I look back now in horror. Since i had my own children, who i have "gentle parented" (ie firm and authoritative but always kind and understanding and never ever make them feel bad or unloved), Ive really struggled with how my parents treated us.

Like other PPs, my mother now sometimes comes out with gems like "theres never an excuse to hit a child, that just shows youve lost control", and i think WTAF?! Like shes rewritten our childhoods.

There were many other harsh treatments and when i look back i think "we were good kids". We really were. None of it was ever deserved. And i cant forgive that. Because it took me until about 32 to realise i wasnt the bad, lazy, selfish person id always been told i was. And i wonder how much easier life might have been if someone had actually shown me
compassion.

Its affected everything. My relationships, my mental health, my physical health. And as my own DC get older im finding it harder and harder. Because i can see them happily thriving and really knowing themselves and i feel so angry and upset i didnt get that chance. And my relationship with my parents isnt great now. I think my dad knows and feels remorse because he is very generous with money (im a skint single mum) and i often think hes trying to make it up to me.

My mum occasionally smacked me but never very hard and I think only about 3 times.

My dad never smacked any of us - he's massive and very strong (rugby player) but an absolute gentle giant.

He taught my brothers to never hit or even touch a girl and to only fight if in self defence.

As a result I grew up with a strong sense of self respect and felt incredibly protected, loved and looked after. I'm so grateful to my lovely dad as he really set me up to expect nothing less than he was as a man - kind, gentle and honourable.

My mum is also lovely but had 3 boisterous kids and was occasionally run ragged. I think if she were a parent nowadays, she wouldn't smack but it was only gently and not very often.

I will never smack my child.

My sister retaliated as a teenager, she had been slapped round the face and she booted my mom in the leg with her doc martins.

I couldn’t believe she had done it!!

My parents were totally appalled and shocked but in truth what foundation could an objection rest on? Should not use violence? Should not act on lost temper?

My mom def backed off at that point.

At the time I was in awe and didn’t know how to feel.
I love my mom but the memory makes me smile a little vindictively now 🤷

I was occasionally smacked, for very naughty behaviour. My mum would get really upset afterwards and regret it. It couldn’t have happened more than a handful of times.

I don’t think about it. It has no lasting impact on me. I know I was loved by them.

The last time my mother hit me I hit her back. I was 16.

Having read 10 pages it’s quite clear there is a difference between being hit occasionally and being hit frequently. It seems those who had an occasional smack seem ok with it, some even saying they deserved it.

Then there are those who were hit frequently and not just with a parent’s hand. Those individuals feel much more affected. It isn’t surprising I guess.

As a family we went on a holiday of a lifetime when I was maybe 10. Old enough to remember it. I can’t. The only thing I remember from that holiday was being smacked because I dropped my drink. I can’t remember the journey, the accommodation, the pools. I just remember being hit. I can’t remember a lot from my childhood but I do remember being hit.

I was smacked, not huge amounts but enough. I absolutely loved my mum and she was a really good mum but her hitting me never taught me anything. I just felt anger and resentment. I will never smack my children, instead we use consequences, discuss why rules are in place and boundaries. Smacking is a lazy way to discipline a child, but I think it was the acceptable thing to do then. Glad times are changing.

Doesn't bother me remotely and mum stepped up to the wooden spoon too.

On the other hand, my mum regrets (still)she didn’t smack me more. Apparently I wouldn’t have gone off the rails.

Actually, I remember an incident when I would have been about six or seven. My sister (older than me) pinched me and left a bruise. In fast retaliation, Mum pinched her back and actually twisted out a lump of flesh from her upper arm. She was so upset she began sobbing and never used physical punishment after that.

We both bucked up our ideas after that. It was a sort of watershed moment.

I think it varies. Some people may have had a light tap on the bum/hand.
Some may have had a slightly harder smack but very rarely.

I had smacks regularly and they often left red handprints on my legs so quite a few hours. My dad would hit me on the back of the head my mum would pin me up against the wall, sometimes grab me on my face. I'd he chased up the stairs scared about getting hit. Yes it's affected me. I've had many years of therapy. There were also other things too but I resent my parents for this. I asked my mum about this before. She said it never did you any harm. I told her she scared me and it hurt but no apology.
I don't hit my DS

I was 17. Yet another slap over the face, can’t even remember why. I just got up, got dressed, left and spent the night someplace else, all without a word. She never raised a hand to me after that. I don’t know if it’s because she realised she didn’t have the power anymore (she tried to kick me out of the house a few times , to the point of slamming the door over my foot - I was 10) or having to explain to my dad where I was and why I went.

I was smacked. Over the knee pants down. I remember it as frightening and humiliating. My dad would do it and I’d have to queue up with my brothers for my turn. Horrible. But my dad hit us other times too. I do think it had a negative impact yes.

I was smacked, not just on the arse but across the face.

Now that I have my own children I’m really fucking angry about it. I look at my 4yo and I wonder how on earth someone could raise their hand to someone so small, and across her sweet delicate face.

They used to say to me if I had a daughter it would be payback. And do you know what it is, just not in the way they hoped, payback for all the love I never got, payback for all the happy memories I never got. My daughter is so like me, and she is lovable, I know that they were the problem, and I pity them.

My parents never smacked me, but I was smacked by 'childcare professionals' when left in their charge with both parents working. Nobody smacked me maliciously, it was only done when I was outrageously out of order, together with other culprits, and we agree we were nasty and vicious and devious. Again, nobody administered beatings - it was smacking. My coach shook us, smacked us, roughly corrected our mistakes, etc. - it was taken for granted. My figure got ruined by puberty, so I could not continue, but other girls who kept their figures, made it to Internationals with that coach, who was brilliant. In other words, smacking by strangers was no big deal - I don't know how I would have taken it from my parents, but bless them, they were too liberal and light-weight.

Don't remember being smacked too much as a young child. As a teen I was smacked 3 times and all three times I thoroughly deserved it - back of the legs while running up the stairs as knew I'd been a total cow and pushed way too far