To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

He does need OP’s permission if he’s relying on her “rent” to pay the new mortgage and the increased living costs of living in the more expensive area.

Please don’t go along with this arrangement any longer. Imagine yourself at 60/65, wanting to retire and your ‘DP’ splits up with you. You’ll have nothing to your name and will be starting over. If he can’t commit properly and make sure you’re future is also financially secure, even without marriage, it is not a good relationship.

No he doesn’t. He could get a genuine lodger and charge them fair room rent.

She needs him for housing more than he needs her.

I was your DP in this situation. Am now tenants in common with my DP, with me owning 90%. I did it because I didn't want him to feel like he was living in my house, and I didn't want a power imbalance in our relationship - I know 90% is a huge stake in my favour, but it only becomes an issue if we break up and I'm not anticipating this. I'd be asking yourself how committed your DP actually is, and why he's expecting you to split up. His current plan is unfair.

OP in the short term you need a tenancy agreement so he can’t kick you out onto the street with no notice. That’s the very least you’d have in a private tenancy. You also need to address the issue of what happens if he dies before you. Would you be homeless?

It sounds like you want different relationships. He wants a live-in girlfriend with no commitment. You want, at the very least, a partner (it sounds to me as though if he wanted to get married you’d be up for that too).

He’s not though.

OP says he could afford it but it would be a stretch.

Obviously OP being there would make it more comfortable, but it doesn’t sound like he’s relying on her at all, which is only right.

Thing is, some of us have been through trying to sell a property when you own as tenants in common and it can be an absolute nightmare. It was the first thing I made clear to my new partner- I would never buy a property together outside of marriage.

I owned with my ex- he owned 10%, it was all "fair" as you suggest. It took 18 months to sell because he wanted to over-price the property, messed up viewings, turned down offers and delayed paperwork. All the while living in a property where I paid most of the bills. Yes he only walked away with his financial share, but for 18 months after the relationship ended I remained financially supporting him.

i actually think the uneven splits are really dangerous for the higher % owner compared to a 50:50 split- which is much less risky.

In his position and given his past) I wouldn’t want anyone having a claim to my home either. Once burnt and all that.

We should also remember that it was an inheritance that helped him pay off his mortgage. If only OP could be that lucky.

Why? You don't have to be equal. You can ringfence whatever you put in and just get proportional shares of any increase

Though that doesn't sound like a loving relationship

@barhumbug Are you planning marriage? Children? A proper future?

You are in your 40s, so please seriously consider your own financial security.
If you are sharing costs by continuing to live with him in a new place, are these at a comparable level to living independently? Or do you both benefit equally from the arrangement - or just him..? There are some hard questions to ask/consider.
You say you can't afford to buy on your own, but could you increase your savings and pension?

You’d have to pay bills and food wherever you lived-you haven’t had to pay rent

If you read the post properly you'd see they're in their 40s, won't ever marry or have kids.

Yes, it was me that asked OP if her DP is expecting her to start paying rent now, or, say, in five years time when he proposes to upsize - unfortunately OP hasn't answered this question.

Not only did he not marry you in 4 years, but he wants you to be a rando, i.e. a paying tenant? If we call things the names they represent, things become clearer. You wasted 4 years of your life. Wake up!

His council tax and bills will actually INCREASE if she moves out.

ATM he pays 50% of the CT, then he will have to pay 75% ( single person discount).

Set bills like the Wi-Fi and contents insurance - he now pays 50% , then he will have to pay 100%.

Variable bills like gas and electric - they won’t go down by that much because she moves out - maybe 10% . Now he pays 50%, then he will pay 90%.

Thats how SHE has been saving him money over the last 4 years, it works both ways .

It hasn't been a waste from the sound of it - the OP seems like she is in a much better situation emotionally and financially. But I do agree that she now needs to look at her future realistically and not take any risks with her security.

Your T-I-C arrangement (as has been suggested by PPs) is the obvious solution to OP's issue. It doesn't matter that your share is 90% versus your DP's 10% if that fairly reflects your respective financial investments, but what it does do is give you both a vested interest in the property and make you feel like committed co-owners. Great decision! 😃

She can’t get a tenancy agreement when she’s not a tenant. She can’t even be a lodger if they share a bedroom and she doesn’t have her own room.

Even a lodger agreement would give her very little security - just a right to some reasonable notice when he evicts her.

It's easy to say what we would do when looking from the outside in. In his position, I would do what he is doing. If I were you I would leave the relationship. You want different things.

I’m not sure why you’d expect 50% of the equity in the event of a split. Not a great deal for him.

When I bought a house with my partner we arranged it so that it was tenants in common. He owned the amount he paid with the deposit and we split the rest 66/33 on the mortgage. We have since got married but have kept that arrangement as it is in proportion to our income. If anything does happen further down the line, he can buy you out and you will get back what you contributed.

@AngelicKaty Sorry I lost the question, no the idea is that if/when we move to a new place I’d pay rent once we’re in.

Barhumbug are you actually happy to be just his live in girlfriend with no real commitment ever.

Because at this point I’d struggle to say partner it’s girlfriend.

Say no to moving. Keep saving until you do have enough for a deposit on something you can fall back on.