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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he was being passive aggressive?

113 replies

mountaincloud · 16/03/2025 17:11

So DP and I have a joint account which we pay a set, equal amount into every month. Rent, bills and weekly food shops come out of this account, and we have a buffer in there for anything house-related that needs buying. We pay for our own cars and all personal things separately, from our own accounts. DP earns slightly more than me, but when we agreed the equal amount (years ago now) it was on the basis that he would cover more (but not all) of the costs for things like restaurant meals, days out, trips etc.

This has worked fine for a number of years, but I am finding things a bit more difficult recently with the cost of living. After my car payments I have between £200-300 left over to cover my petrol, toiletries/makeup, socialising etc.
I've found over the last year or so that if it's a particularly busy month with family birthdays etc I can be left with literally £5 a few days before payday.

This month was one of those occasions (I get paid on the 14th). Last week I was waiting for my expenses to come in from a work trip I'd been sent on, and literally had about £8 in my bank. I had mentioned this to DP - that I was annoyed at how long work were taking to pay me the expenses back because it had left me skint. In similar situations in the past if it's been a few days before payday and I've needed money to go and do/buy something then DP has always been happy to send me the money and I send it back to him on payday.

One night last week, a fairly essential item of mine broke whilst I was using it, and DP offered to drive me to the retail park to get a new one. So we went, and I (perhaps wrongfully) assumed he was planning to pay for it, as I'd told him earlier in the week I had no money. When we were getting out of the car I noticed he'd left his wallet in the car, and I said "have you got the means to pay for this?" i.e. have you got your card or cash on you.

He basically flipped out at me, saying how rude it was that I "just expect him to pay for things", to which I said I don't, but you know I have no money. He said he didn't believe me! and I had to get my bank account up to prove it to him. I then said it was fine if he didn't want to buy it, I could wait until I get paid, but he said no, he would pay. There was a lot of huffing and puffing the whole time interspersed with mini-rants about me being rude and cheeky.

Anyway, he bought it and it hasn't been mentioned since. I sent him the money straight away on payday and considered the whole thing forgotten.

Yesterday we went to a country park for a walk. On the drive there he said he was hungry and wanted to stop at a particular fast food place. When we walked into the place, he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay". I said ok. He ordered quite a bit of food and I paid. Then at the end of the walk, he was hungry again and wanted food from a nearby (expensive!) cafe, which again I paid for. Then on the drive home he said he wanted to stop at the supermarket to get drinks/snacks for the night, and again, I obliged.

I didn't think anything of this at the time, but today I've been reflecting and it feels odd. I spent almost £50 yesterday including parking, which is a hefty chunk of my money for the month. He's not mentioned giving me any of the money back. And something that clicked in my mind earlier was that in all the years I've known him, I've NEVER ever known him to forget or not bring his wallet/card when we've gone out anywhere. So I started playing yesterday over in my mind and thought actually, when he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay" he did say it in a very blunt, cold way.

So now, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but part of me feels like he did it on purpose... either to prove a point about being made to pay for things, or maybe he wanted me to refuse to pay for something so he could have a go at me about last week? But equally it could be totally innocent and I'm just overreacting. I thought best to consult MN before I say anything or ask for the money back, because I don't want to cause an argument especially if he genuinely did just forget his card.

AIBU to think he did it on purpose?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 16/03/2025 17:17

Yeah, from what you've said, it sounds like he did it in a tit for tat way. This doesn't really read like a partnership.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/03/2025 17:18

Yes he was definitely making a nasty point.

The relationship sounds abysmal.

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 16/03/2025 17:19

3 lots of food /snacks? Greedy fucker...

LaurieFairyCake · 16/03/2025 17:27

Make sure you send him a text saying ‘this is what your food came to yesterday, please pay asap so I’m not short this month’

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/03/2025 17:29

Yes you paid him back, right? So he must pay you back.

And then the best thing is to dump him and find someone better.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 16/03/2025 17:34

Get your money back and dump the fucker

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 16/03/2025 17:42

He absolutely did this on purpose, churlish fucker, how unattractive.
You paid him back for the item he paid for so you'd be well within your rights to expect the same from him and personally I'd be letting him know this.

WhatIsCorndogs · 16/03/2025 17:49

What a tight arse. And keeping score too, he sounds awful. What kind of partner sees the person they profess to love struggle with bring skint?! Chuck him back I'd say.

Fagli · 16/03/2025 17:50

I think he needs to get google/apple pay.

BarneyRonson · 16/03/2025 17:53

Blimey he’s stingy. Are you partners or flat mates?

Happyears · 16/03/2025 17:54

The way you describe it makes it sound like retaliation.

HenDoNot · 16/03/2025 17:56

Please tell us you don’t have children with this Prince of a man.

Mommamiaa · 16/03/2025 17:57

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

LittlePudding1 · 16/03/2025 17:57

He sounds vile and mean spirited. It will only get worse

2025willbemytime · 16/03/2025 17:58

Of course he did it on purpose. Not the actions of a loving partner. So what are you going to do about it?

m00rfarm · 16/03/2025 17:59

To be honest, your initial "have you got the means to pay for this" was extremely rude - expecting him to remember that you were short - it was really impolite the way you spoke to him. I would have been really cross if someone had spoken to me like that when they were the ones needing a favour. I would assume his rudeness yesterday was to make you react the way he did and to justify his response - but you didn't! So he did it twice more, and you still did not react.

I would send him a message if he does not send his share shortly, asking him to pay his share.

snowflakelake · 16/03/2025 18:00

This isn’t a functioning relationship with care built in. I would move on OP.

Rhaidimiddim · 16/03/2025 18:00

I'm just wondering why you paid for all this stuff he was demanding, instead if letting him get it. Is he a bully, as well as tight-fisted?

And, you, he was doing it deliberately to teach you a lesson about never expecting him to help you out financially ever again.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/03/2025 18:00

He did it on purpose

But I'd have been a bit annoyed if you hadn't asked if it was OK if I paid before we got to the place. And your comment was quite blunt.

So I'd say you both look bad here. But he was definitely being a dick

autisticbookworm · 16/03/2025 18:00

I can see why he would have been irritated at your assumption he would pay. If he hadn’t made the connection of you not having much money, you saying “do you have the means to pay for this” when he has done you a favour of driving you to get a new one does seem rude.

However I agree he did this deliberately and that is petty and childish. I wouldn’t say anything to him though. By reacting obligingly and covering his costs without complaint you have shown him he is an arse and you aren’t.

with regards to your finances either you need to revisit your finances together and make it fairer so you are not in the position of asking him for money or you need to budget better. So on the slightly cheaper months put aside some funds to cover future expenses or cut back on gift giving/cosmetics etc to make your lifestyle more affordable.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/03/2025 18:07

And yes, you need to budget better

If most birthdays are in same few months then spread out gift buying - you can buy cards in advanced in quieter months, buy gifts in sales and keep them in stock etc

Walker1178 · 16/03/2025 18:47

I’ve got the same setup with DP, when he’s working he earns quite a bit more than me but he’s agency and not always consistent so we agreed 50/50 and pay into the joint account equally on the basis that when he’s flush he’ll pay for our treats. If we’re together buying food it’ll come out of the joint account or we would have agreed something in advance, usually one of us saying ‘do you fancy xxx, my treat?’ I’d never start ordering stuff and expect him to pay. Your DP was an arse and it sounds very much like he did it on purpose trying to get an argument out of it.

Original poster
mountaincloud · 16/03/2025 18:49

I appreciate that some posters think it might have been unreasonable of me to assume he would pay, or that he knew I had no money. However, I had definitely mentioned having no money more than once in the preceding days. Not in a beggy way, but because of the expenses situation. On the day we went to the retail park, I'd been waiting six days for £100 worth of expenses to come in from a 4-night work trip to London. The expenses normally take 2-3 days, so I had mentioned a few times how I was annoyed about it because I needed the money. And last Saturday I came home much earlier than I typically would from a friend's birthday drinks - when DP asked why, I explained it was because I was down to my last £15 so just showed my face and bought a coke.

I feel our relationship is generally okay - he's not usually passive aggressive like this. But I have struggled with his perception of money in the past. I don't think we understand it in the same way. We both come from working class backgrounds but his family were better off than mine. He has two parents on stable incomes who own their home. I grew up in a single parent household and my late mum didn't work for most of my childhood through disability. I think my definition of "no money" is different to his, so it's like he doesn't understand when I say I've got none. Or he doesn't believe me because he's never actually experienced having no money. Plus he comes out with around £300 more than me per month.

Years ago, after I graduated, I couldn't find a job for months and was living on a part time bar job. I remember crying to him one night about how stressed I was about money. I had burned through all of my savings just to survive. I finally got an entry level office job that just about covered my bills, and in my first month of that job he was pushing for us to book a holiday to Greece! I had to explain that there was no way I could afford that, and it took a lot of explaining as he just didn't seem to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
mountaincloud · 16/03/2025 18:53

mountaincloud · 16/03/2025 18:49

I appreciate that some posters think it might have been unreasonable of me to assume he would pay, or that he knew I had no money. However, I had definitely mentioned having no money more than once in the preceding days. Not in a beggy way, but because of the expenses situation. On the day we went to the retail park, I'd been waiting six days for £100 worth of expenses to come in from a 4-night work trip to London. The expenses normally take 2-3 days, so I had mentioned a few times how I was annoyed about it because I needed the money. And last Saturday I came home much earlier than I typically would from a friend's birthday drinks - when DP asked why, I explained it was because I was down to my last £15 so just showed my face and bought a coke.

I feel our relationship is generally okay - he's not usually passive aggressive like this. But I have struggled with his perception of money in the past. I don't think we understand it in the same way. We both come from working class backgrounds but his family were better off than mine. He has two parents on stable incomes who own their home. I grew up in a single parent household and my late mum didn't work for most of my childhood through disability. I think my definition of "no money" is different to his, so it's like he doesn't understand when I say I've got none. Or he doesn't believe me because he's never actually experienced having no money. Plus he comes out with around £300 more than me per month.

Years ago, after I graduated, I couldn't find a job for months and was living on a part time bar job. I remember crying to him one night about how stressed I was about money. I had burned through all of my savings just to survive. I finally got an entry level office job that just about covered my bills, and in my first month of that job he was pushing for us to book a holiday to Greece! I had to explain that there was no way I could afford that, and it took a lot of explaining as he just didn't seem to understand.

QMTA so when he offered to drive me to the retail park to replace the item, I took that as him offering to pay for it. But I understand now I shouldn't have assumed that.

I just think if the situation was reversed - I had known he was down to his last tenner, and I suggested going out to buy a replacement, then I would obviously be offering to pay for it. I would know he couldn't just magic up £25 out of nowhere.

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/03/2025 19:03

You can't assume "I've got no money" and "I need a new hairdryer" would translate to "I want you to pay for this until I have money" though

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