To think he was being passive aggressive?

[mountaincloud]

So DP and I have a joint account which we pay a set, equal amount into every month. Rent, bills and weekly food shops come out of this account, and we have a buffer in there for anything house-related that needs buying. We pay for our own cars and all personal things separately, from our own accounts. DP earns slightly more than me, but when we agreed the equal amount (years ago now) it was on the basis that he would cover more (but not all) of the costs for things like restaurant meals, days out, trips etc.

This has worked fine for a number of years, but I am finding things a bit more difficult recently with the cost of living. After my car payments I have between £200-300 left over to cover my petrol, toiletries/makeup, socialising etc.
I've found over the last year or so that if it's a particularly busy month with family birthdays etc I can be left with literally £5 a few days before payday.

This month was one of those occasions (I get paid on the 14th). Last week I was waiting for my expenses to come in from a work trip I'd been sent on, and literally had about £8 in my bank. I had mentioned this to DP - that I was annoyed at how long work were taking to pay me the expenses back because it had left me skint. In similar situations in the past if it's been a few days before payday and I've needed money to go and do/buy something then DP has always been happy to send me the money and I send it back to him on payday.

One night last week, a fairly essential item of mine broke whilst I was using it, and DP offered to drive me to the retail park to get a new one. So we went, and I (perhaps wrongfully) assumed he was planning to pay for it, as I'd told him earlier in the week I had no money. When we were getting out of the car I noticed he'd left his wallet in the car, and I said "have you got the means to pay for this?" i.e. have you got your card or cash on you.

He basically flipped out at me, saying how rude it was that I "just expect him to pay for things", to which I said I don't, but you know I have no money. He said he didn't believe me! and I had to get my bank account up to prove it to him. I then said it was fine if he didn't want to buy it, I could wait until I get paid, but he said no, he would pay. There was a lot of huffing and puffing the whole time interspersed with mini-rants about me being rude and cheeky.

Anyway, he bought it and it hasn't been mentioned since. I sent him the money straight away on payday and considered the whole thing forgotten.

Yesterday we went to a country park for a walk. On the drive there he said he was hungry and wanted to stop at a particular fast food place. When we walked into the place, he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay". I said ok. He ordered quite a bit of food and I paid. Then at the end of the walk, he was hungry again and wanted food from a nearby (expensive!) cafe, which again I paid for. Then on the drive home he said he wanted to stop at the supermarket to get drinks/snacks for the night, and again, I obliged.

I didn't think anything of this at the time, but today I've been reflecting and it feels odd. I spent almost £50 yesterday including parking, which is a hefty chunk of my money for the month. He's not mentioned giving me any of the money back. And something that clicked in my mind earlier was that in all the years I've known him, I've NEVER ever known him to forget or not bring his wallet/card when we've gone out anywhere. So I started playing yesterday over in my mind and thought actually, when he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay" he did say it in a very blunt, cold way.

So now, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but part of me feels like he did it on purpose... either to prove a point about being made to pay for things, or maybe he wanted me to refuse to pay for something so he could have a go at me about last week? But equally it could be totally innocent and I'm just overreacting. I thought best to consult MN before I say anything or ask for the money back, because I don't want to cause an argument especially if he genuinely did just forget his card.

AIBU to think he did it on purpose?

How can you live like this? You’re meant to be a partnership, not nit picking over who pays for what. Miserable

How the fuck is she not pulling her weight financially? She earns less than him but they split all the bills/rent/food 50/50. She paid him back for the hairdryer as soon as her expenses came through. He's a petty, mean fucker and has just made OP pay more for his snacks than he paid for the hairdryer and he hasn't offered to repay her.

What a truly horrible relationship.

Hairdryers are NOT essential

If you are struggling, it is absolutely not essential

My hair is thick and I care that I look smart going out. I don't use a hairdryer. There's this thing called nature which dries it fine

Exactly! My hair is long and thick - without a hairdryer it takes an age to dry, and looks a state

Like I said, not everyone can wash and go without looking a mess. What you mean is, they're not essential for you.

its almost like we're all different when it comes to hairstyles.

How long are you with this prince?
Hope to goodness you have no plans to have children with him.

The vibe off him seems petty and nasty, a bit contemptuous, certainly not loving.

I wouldn't think he is committed and your relationship has long term viability.

It reads as utterly miserable.

Strongly recommend you look at picking up a second job to up your income OP.

It doesn't look good.
Mind yourself.

I agree with many posts. There are very sensible people on here.

If I organised finances this way with a partner, then I would not want to be their buffer if they were skint going into payday seemingly many times a year. I agree with suggestions of finding a new way to top-up finances without relying on a partner.

I don’t think your partner handled the outing well where he ordered lots of food, in order to teach you a lesson. It sounded very awkward and weird.

Before DH and I were married, we had separate finances but now we pool it all as we earn similar amounts. For us it works but it doesn’t mean this is the right approach for everyone.

His behaviour is nasty.

What happens if you get made redundant, become critically ill and can't work or get pregnant?

He will resent you, that's what. And he'll bloody well make sure you know it.

the op has said she would have done without until payday. She isn’t arguing they are an essential human right.

Has he paid you back yet @mountaincloud ?

Op, you need to curb your spendig dramatically until you have a buffer of emergency funds in your own account.
I do think your DH was making a point.

You have chosen to split your finances so you need to accumulate your own buffer though.

I don’t own a hairdryer and I have shoulder length hair but if it’s an essential item to you then it’s an essential item.
Maybe he does feel taken advantage of how you have borrowed money a couple of times but I think now you need to either have a chat with him about how little money you are now left with after putting money in the joint account or start being really assertive about things. Eg - him- shall we go out for lunch today? You- I can’t, I only have £12 in my account and pay day isn’t for 6 days.

i would ignore him making you pay for things on that one occasion but in future if he wants you to pay for things just say I can’t afford coffees (or whatever) as I’ve only got £300 for the whole month. My partner can be stingy with me actually so if we are out for a dog walk and he says do you want a coffee I’ll just say no thank you as there is a strong chance he will want me to pay for it as well as his coffee and it’s not really in my budget so I just don’t buy things like that. He buys his own coffee and I just don’t have one. I don’t want one particularly anyway. I just have a drink when I get home!

He’s eating too much!!

So I’m getting your not married. Time to move on. He feels differently about you now. Straighten this out before you ever decide to get married. I’d be wary about the the different attitude. Something’s wrong and you’re right to pick up on it

Why did you quote the entire OP? You could have said what you did without quoting it.

I think this is highlighting that your financial setup isn't actually working, and neither of you are happy with it. Joint days out should come out of a joint pot! This tit for tat of who's paying for dates is exhausting is an established relationship!

So when you said 'I have no money', you actually meant 'I have no money apart from my savings'. I'm not surprised your DP was confused.

Your savings should be for unexpected expenses like a broken hairdryer so yabu to expect him to just cover it. Sounds like you need a proper chat about finances really but it doesn't seem like you're much of a team

That’s the only way I know how to do it.

And why did you quote me

Oh, he sounds so miserable and nasty. Imagine 'getting you back' just to make a shitty point. I'd think carefully about whether you want to be with this man long term.

Another of these threads...how depressing! I don't know how you can live like this.

Because the quote was small and I had to quote so you knew who I was responding to. If your post was huge I'd have taken the relevant bit out and quoted it, not the entire thing. You quoted a massive OP just to say a few sentences. You could have just said what you had to say because it's clear you're talking to the OP.

Me too