To think he was being passive aggressive?

[mountaincloud]

So DP and I have a joint account which we pay a set, equal amount into every month. Rent, bills and weekly food shops come out of this account, and we have a buffer in there for anything house-related that needs buying. We pay for our own cars and all personal things separately, from our own accounts. DP earns slightly more than me, but when we agreed the equal amount (years ago now) it was on the basis that he would cover more (but not all) of the costs for things like restaurant meals, days out, trips etc.

This has worked fine for a number of years, but I am finding things a bit more difficult recently with the cost of living. After my car payments I have between £200-300 left over to cover my petrol, toiletries/makeup, socialising etc.
I've found over the last year or so that if it's a particularly busy month with family birthdays etc I can be left with literally £5 a few days before payday.

This month was one of those occasions (I get paid on the 14th). Last week I was waiting for my expenses to come in from a work trip I'd been sent on, and literally had about £8 in my bank. I had mentioned this to DP - that I was annoyed at how long work were taking to pay me the expenses back because it had left me skint. In similar situations in the past if it's been a few days before payday and I've needed money to go and do/buy something then DP has always been happy to send me the money and I send it back to him on payday.

One night last week, a fairly essential item of mine broke whilst I was using it, and DP offered to drive me to the retail park to get a new one. So we went, and I (perhaps wrongfully) assumed he was planning to pay for it, as I'd told him earlier in the week I had no money. When we were getting out of the car I noticed he'd left his wallet in the car, and I said "have you got the means to pay for this?" i.e. have you got your card or cash on you.

He basically flipped out at me, saying how rude it was that I "just expect him to pay for things", to which I said I don't, but you know I have no money. He said he didn't believe me! and I had to get my bank account up to prove it to him. I then said it was fine if he didn't want to buy it, I could wait until I get paid, but he said no, he would pay. There was a lot of huffing and puffing the whole time interspersed with mini-rants about me being rude and cheeky.

Anyway, he bought it and it hasn't been mentioned since. I sent him the money straight away on payday and considered the whole thing forgotten.

Yesterday we went to a country park for a walk. On the drive there he said he was hungry and wanted to stop at a particular fast food place. When we walked into the place, he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay". I said ok. He ordered quite a bit of food and I paid. Then at the end of the walk, he was hungry again and wanted food from a nearby (expensive!) cafe, which again I paid for. Then on the drive home he said he wanted to stop at the supermarket to get drinks/snacks for the night, and again, I obliged.

I didn't think anything of this at the time, but today I've been reflecting and it feels odd. I spent almost £50 yesterday including parking, which is a hefty chunk of my money for the month. He's not mentioned giving me any of the money back. And something that clicked in my mind earlier was that in all the years I've known him, I've NEVER ever known him to forget or not bring his wallet/card when we've gone out anywhere. So I started playing yesterday over in my mind and thought actually, when he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay" he did say it in a very blunt, cold way.

So now, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but part of me feels like he did it on purpose... either to prove a point about being made to pay for things, or maybe he wanted me to refuse to pay for something so he could have a go at me about last week? But equally it could be totally innocent and I'm just overreacting. I thought best to consult MN before I say anything or ask for the money back, because I don't want to cause an argument especially if he genuinely did just forget his card.

AIBU to think he did it on purpose?

Are you my DP?😂 It was indeed a hairdryer. The thing is, he was there when it broke. I laughed in a resigned way and was like "f*ing great", knowing I couldn't afford to replace it there and then. I didn't ask him to do it, I just thought right, I'll have to survive the next few days without. If I'd had the money I would've just said "right, I'm going to XXXXX to get a new one". So when he said "let's go to XXXXX and you can get a new one", I took it as him understanding I couldn't afford to replace it and thus offering to buy it. But obviously I was wrong and I should have clarified. I'm fully aware now that that was a mistake and I won't do it again.

Just couldn't be in a relationship like this:
A relationship is meant to be a partnership where you work equally to enrich the other person's life
The trouble is it would leave me in a quandary.. I'd either act like him (which wouldn't make me feel good about myself) or put up with it (which wouldn't make me feel good about him)
So either way wouldn't work for me

I think you're right and you've put it into words better than I could - about justifying his own response and then doubling down when I didn't bite.
I was completely none the wiser at the time, but looking back that's absolutely what it seems like. The wanting to go to three different places was completely out of character as we would never do that normally. And at the fast food place I added something to his order on the screen and he said, again quite bluntly and out of character, "I want two". Looking back it felt like he was trying to provoke a reaction.

You just assumed he would pay and replace it without even asking him, bit presumptuous. Then you were a bit rude asking if he had means to pay for it rather than asking if he would be OK to buy it and you would pay him back.

You need to talk to him. You both seem resentful of the money situation and need to clear the air

When you talk to him ask him if he could cover some of the money on the day out with food as its left you a little short this month

I note you hang on to the PP's point about your DP, but don't respond to the part about you being rude first.

Because you were and I don't think I'd be that sympathetic to help someone who spoke to me like that. Even if it is tit for tat, you started it.

Overall you're both very petty, and don't seem suited to be together.

I couldn't live like that.

Do you not have a credit card for emergencies like a hairdryer breaking down?

I've responded to the comments about me being rude in a previous post on page 1.

Frankly, OP, this souns like it is verg8ng on financial.abuse.
As in, he knows you have no money, because you tokd him, and FIRST RED FLAG he's OK with that - your problem, not our problem.Then an essential household item breaks, at a point wher he knows you have no money. But he drives you out to buy a new obe, then acts all surprised when you show you expected him to cover the cost. Again, a big red flag.
Then the nwxt day he is deliberately deciding he wants to buy tjis, andvthen that, and somehow ( how, OP?) you are made to pay for it all - despite your long-standing agreement that he covers extras, and him knowing you are struggling.
All these birthday bits - do they come out of the joint account?
OP - please consider that you are being financially abused.
And, if that diesn't fit, please consider that the way your husband treated you, that prompted you to post here, was actually not-very-nice- moving-into-abuse. You're supposed to be a team, sharing and having each others' backs....

So good you reacted like that. It really showed him his reaction was crap. I wouldn’t accuse him though as likelihood is he will deny it and you can’t prove it so it will just be a row and a risk you end up bad guy (in his opinion) whereas at the minute you have shown him up.

I would be curious to know about the value of the hairdryer vs the value of the items you purchased for him yesterday.

Maybe he was testing you to see if you would complain, but even if it was a test, he surely should have paid you back immediately or he is quite hypocritical

I personally would be saying "oh BTW, your part of yesterday came to xyz, please send it over".

He may not have a good understanding of money, but the reality is that he earns more than you and regardless of the hairdryer misunderstanding, you shouldn't be penalised when he isn't.

He has his hairdryer money, you don't have the money from all the food he ate.

I am a proper fatty, but he really does sound like he was trying to push you into saying something so he could have an argument about the hairdryer. He was quite excessive in what he wanted to buy.

It was obviously a hairdryer, curlers, straightner or maybe electric razor

A completely Non-essential item which some people think is essential

He titted for tatted. Ask for your your ruddy money back FFS.

Me and husband have seperate finances. We divvy up the bills in proportion to our wages and those bills are ours. Theres no joint anything. If one of us is short the other fills in and visa versa. There is no quibbling or back biting.

It's obvious that the way you're doing it is no longer working for your husband. Have a sit down talk about finances before this explodes in both your faces.

And did I say. Get your money back the daft twat punished you with.

Speak for yourself. My hairstyle needs straighters and a hairdryer or I'm fucked. You might shave your head and be ready for the day with some oil but some of us need the heat to tame the locks.

I keep spares though.

Yep he did that to get to make you react.

But it would Akso make me think that a review of your financial organisation might need to be reviewed.
Because if you have felt the pinch several times when you were together agd he never has, that tells me that you never spend £300 on restaurants etc…. /he is restraining spending around that in his tight months or maybe he is better at budgeting!
His attitude and using the ‘system’ as a payback would make me think twice.

Actually you haven't. I've read back and you address the fact that you shouldn't have assumed he was going to pay. But actually even if he was paying and aware, the way you spoke to him was awful. Is English your first language? I just cannot imagine those words coming out of my mouth to come on who is about to do me a favour.

People manage without straighteners and hair dryers 🤣

I don't shave my head wtf?

You shouldn’t be in financial difficulties because you are advancing your company travel expenses. I would explore other options with them to avoid this. For example, when I was travelling frequently, the place I worked then advanced me something so they never actually owed me money.

I hope you're going to tell him how much he owes you OP? I couldn't be with someone like this tbh..

This ^

OP, I feel sick reading your posts.
What kind of relationship is this?
Yes, you were blunt when you asked him on the way to the shop but it was because his behaviour was very weird. In what planet this conversation about hairdryer would be anything but the offer just to go and buy a hairdryer together so you can choose as it’s more important for you??? So do you have separate hairdryers?

I don’t know how old are you but the best thing you can do is to text him asking politely for his share of food and then start planing your separation.
This story about you crying when you were young was absolutely heartbreaking. It showed that he would never ever help you in a difficult situation e.g if you were unwell, made redundant etc etc
Its not a relationship. It’s using you for flatshare, sex and possibly cooking or whatever it is you are doing around the house.

What he did was prick-ish frankly. It goes to illustrate though, that not only are you not on the same page with regards to money, you're probably reading totally different books.

You need to sit down and discuss your joint finances but if it doesn't clear things up you need to look at your future. Personally I couldn't live with a man who behaved like that, or was happy to leave me short.

Sorry I don't understand a partnership where one partner won't pay for the other, or at least lend each other money. I assume you aren't married as you refer to him as DP, but since you live together, he should be supporting you as needed, financially or otherwise.

You mentioned your joint account covers good shopping, so I assume you have debit cards for that account. If so, use the debit cards for snacks when you go out together.

could you get a credit card specifically for putting your work expenses on?

Please don’t have children with this man!

Perhaps I've missed it, but haven't you got an overdraft facility on your own account? You need to get one or use a credit card judiciously - atm you seem to be using your DP as your overdraft facility which has wound him up. Then gradually save to build up more of a safety net. It won't be easy because the COL is biting everyone at the moment but when you're on top of your own finances you can talk about adjusting your financial arrangements with your DP from an equal footing.