To think he was being passive aggressive?

[mountaincloud]

So DP and I have a joint account which we pay a set, equal amount into every month. Rent, bills and weekly food shops come out of this account, and we have a buffer in there for anything house-related that needs buying. We pay for our own cars and all personal things separately, from our own accounts. DP earns slightly more than me, but when we agreed the equal amount (years ago now) it was on the basis that he would cover more (but not all) of the costs for things like restaurant meals, days out, trips etc.

This has worked fine for a number of years, but I am finding things a bit more difficult recently with the cost of living. After my car payments I have between £200-300 left over to cover my petrol, toiletries/makeup, socialising etc.
I've found over the last year or so that if it's a particularly busy month with family birthdays etc I can be left with literally £5 a few days before payday.

This month was one of those occasions (I get paid on the 14th). Last week I was waiting for my expenses to come in from a work trip I'd been sent on, and literally had about £8 in my bank. I had mentioned this to DP - that I was annoyed at how long work were taking to pay me the expenses back because it had left me skint. In similar situations in the past if it's been a few days before payday and I've needed money to go and do/buy something then DP has always been happy to send me the money and I send it back to him on payday.

One night last week, a fairly essential item of mine broke whilst I was using it, and DP offered to drive me to the retail park to get a new one. So we went, and I (perhaps wrongfully) assumed he was planning to pay for it, as I'd told him earlier in the week I had no money. When we were getting out of the car I noticed he'd left his wallet in the car, and I said "have you got the means to pay for this?" i.e. have you got your card or cash on you.

He basically flipped out at me, saying how rude it was that I "just expect him to pay for things", to which I said I don't, but you know I have no money. He said he didn't believe me! and I had to get my bank account up to prove it to him. I then said it was fine if he didn't want to buy it, I could wait until I get paid, but he said no, he would pay. There was a lot of huffing and puffing the whole time interspersed with mini-rants about me being rude and cheeky.

Anyway, he bought it and it hasn't been mentioned since. I sent him the money straight away on payday and considered the whole thing forgotten.

Yesterday we went to a country park for a walk. On the drive there he said he was hungry and wanted to stop at a particular fast food place. When we walked into the place, he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay". I said ok. He ordered quite a bit of food and I paid. Then at the end of the walk, he was hungry again and wanted food from a nearby (expensive!) cafe, which again I paid for. Then on the drive home he said he wanted to stop at the supermarket to get drinks/snacks for the night, and again, I obliged.

I didn't think anything of this at the time, but today I've been reflecting and it feels odd. I spent almost £50 yesterday including parking, which is a hefty chunk of my money for the month. He's not mentioned giving me any of the money back. And something that clicked in my mind earlier was that in all the years I've known him, I've NEVER ever known him to forget or not bring his wallet/card when we've gone out anywhere. So I started playing yesterday over in my mind and thought actually, when he said "I haven't got my card so you'll have to pay" he did say it in a very blunt, cold way.

So now, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but part of me feels like he did it on purpose... either to prove a point about being made to pay for things, or maybe he wanted me to refuse to pay for something so he could have a go at me about last week? But equally it could be totally innocent and I'm just overreacting. I thought best to consult MN before I say anything or ask for the money back, because I don't want to cause an argument especially if he genuinely did just forget his card.

AIBU to think he did it on purpose?

Yes he was being PA. And in quite a nasty way given he knows you're a bit broke at the moment.

You accept you were rude the other day. There was s a mis communication where you assumed something that he didn't intend, and from your part it cane across as rude. That happens sometimes in a long relationship.

What should happen next is he says 'I didn't like the way you spoke to me the other day, it felt like I was being taken for granted' and then you have a conversation about it. Him deciding to 'teach you a lesson' by deliberately 'forgetting' his wallet and then ordering stuff he doesn't actually really need or want, is really off to be honest. Not nice. It's quite controlling to decide that you need to be punished and carry that out.

Don't have a baby with him or get married without another discussion about how you split finances. It's not really a partnership if both parties are pulling their weight as much as they're able, but one is left with a few hundred more than the other at the end of each month

This doesn’t seem like a partnership. To go out of his way to ‘get his own back’ just isn’t very nice. He’s not got your back.

The comment you made to him about paying for the hairdryer was extremely rude. And you are both extremely petty in the way you count every pound and owing each other for drinks and daily stuff. I really wouldn’t want to live like this.

He thinks you’re grabby.
He was making a point to show you what it feels like to have a partner not pull their weight financially.
The fact it irked you was the whole point.

You paid him back straight away for your essential items and he’s just spent £50 of your money to get one up. Nope, I’d pull him up about this op. He seems bitter & spiteful!

The hairdryer was £26. The amount I spent on his food and drinks yesterday was £42. Plus £4.50 parking = £46.50 spent.

We're quite strict about only using the joint account for bills, weekly shop, and planned joint purchases or emergencies. This was my idea from the start tbh because I don't like the idea of dipping into it as and when - it can quickly become hassle and I think it's easy to fall into the habit of not topping it back up properly. My mum had a bills account when I was a kid and I remember her doing that and it causing problems for her later down the line.

I also don't have a credit card, or an overdraft, for the same reasons. They caused a lot of trouble for my mum and I didn't want to fall into the same trap. I do have a savings account but there aren't reams in it and I don't touch it.
I know I'm probably a bit traumatised from the financial insecurity I experienced growing up but I've always tried to be careful with money and not get into debt.

That's why when the hairdryer broke I first thought oh well, I can just wait until payday. And to the pp who said a hairdryer isn't essential - I get that! But similar to another pp my hairstyle and hair type requires blow drying and straightening otherwise it looks awful and not very presentable. The job I'm in, I'm expected to look polished and presentable so yeah, it wasn't an emergency but it was ideal for me to replace it ASAP.

DP doesn't use the hairdryer at all so I see it as a personal expense. I know some people seem to think we're overly militant about joint vs separate expenditure but I honestly don't think we are. This method has worked for us with no problems (until now, clearly!). We both have friends dotted around the country, we have some hobbies and interests that differ, so it just seemed fair and logical for us to cover our own expenses as what we spend in a month can vary wildly (although this is mostly a thing of the past for me now).

As an example of how it works - we do a standard food shop every week. But if I'm popping into Sainsbury's on the way home because I fancy some wine and chocolate, I'll pay from my own account - but I would always ring him and ask if he wants something, which would go on my card. And vice versa. When I have been flush, I've paid for meals and treats etc. I offer to split when I can. If not then he pays and I do check this before we go out. Over the years I think the balance has been fair and proportionate.

As I said, this situation of being short at the end of the month is new to me. Our rent and various bills went up last year, increasing the amount we both put into the JA. As the lower earner I've obviously struggled with it more. Also last year my work pretty much scrapped WFH so I've had to go into the office a lot more which has increased my outgoings on petrol and parking. As well as everything just generally costing more now.

Obviously I'm now spending less, both on myself and on him. Borrowing from him at the end of the month is also new. At Christmas, admittedly, I did spend a lot on nights out and presents for people (particularly my 2 DNs). No more than I'd usually spend on Christmas really, but a few days before pay in Jan I had to ask DP for petrol money. He was totally fine about it, didn't seem bothered at all, I made it clear I was massively grateful and paid him back on payday. I did feel bad about it and have tried to be more careful since.

Now that I've written it out I think I understand his behaviour more. I can see that 2 occasions in 3 months might be a cause for concern to him. And as PPs have suggested I need to have a chat with him about finances and maybe reducing the amount I pay into the JA until my annual payrise kicks in.

But it still doesn't sit right. I've never put him out of pocket - he always has loads in his current acct and he gets paid at the end of the month. He knows I earn less, and that I've cut down massively on things. I used to go out with friends often - now it's once every 3 months if that. And he knows I don't have family to fall back on as he does. I've never demanded anything from him, never been bothered about gifts or fancy holidays or restaurants.
But he obviously isn't happy with the situation and I am feeling quite low about it now to be honest. He still hasn't offered to pay the money. I don't know if it's just that he genuinely doesn't understand my position and thinks I'm taking the piss out of him.

Not a man anyone should have children with if you’re thinking about that.

I think you need to find ways to top your money up that don’t involve him.

You don’t use an overdraft, but borrow from your OH? That doesn’t make sense. I would also forego a hairdryer.

And definitely ask for that money back. Be transparent about your finances, show bank statements - you need better financial “buffers” than you currently have.

After your update I still think the same - you need to arrange an overdraft facility or credit card in the short term for yourself because all you are doing now is using your DP as your overdraft facility and he objects to it.

You need to build up a cushion for yourself - sell some clothes, earn a bit extra or whatever so you don't need the overdraft. The cost of living is biting a lot of us ATM, it's becoming impossible to stay afloat in the same way.

Then revisit your shared finances including looking for ways to cut down on your monthly bills - Martin Lewis' site is good for this.

Have a good think about your future in this relationship and whether your rigidly separate finances are an indication of problems ahead and how to make things better if possible.

@mountaincloud
I know it’s your call but your update doesn’t sit right with me.
Your militant way of dividing items gives me a vibe of trying frantically not to rely on each other, especially on your side. I wonder if it’s because you don’t feel you can rely on your DP in a difficulty and in an emergency but the point of a relationship is that you support each other if something happens.

I wouldn’t count lending you some money for petrol as help by the way. You put how grateful you were!!! It would be non event in our household.
Yes, your system worked well when everything was ok but once you had tiny bits of problems - your DP showed his true colours ( sorry for the cliche) Just imagine what response you would get from him if you were in a really difficult situation e.g serious illness or disability.

I thought I was biased about your post as a female so read it to my DH yesterday. He stopped me at your quarrel at the car park and said: She needs to leave, how can she be with this man? Hope they don’t have children. That’s male perspective if you want.

And a hairdryer is an essential household item.

@mountaincloud I understand how scary it can feel with you family financial background, and I think you manage your money really well, and are sensible not to get into debt. Well done.

I agree with other posters that getting a credit card could help ease the situation. I have one and I have it set up so that my main account pays off the full balance every month (hence no interest). It helps me to smooth out the fluctuations of an expensive month vs a less expensive one. It means you are using the bank to cover things, rather than your partner. Of course that only works if you continue to be so disciplined with your spending and are not tempted to rack up your credit...

Separately, you need to sit down with your partner and have a discussion about how the COL increase is affecting you both - your household expenses, and your personal spending. Not with any expectation that he will pay more, but simply for transparency - sharing how much you have in your (small) savings, and sharing what you are doing, or could do, to cut back on household expenses and on personal spend - and you have to be brutal with your own spending, even cutting down on spending on your dn. Of course he needs to be willing to share the same information.

If you can pare back your own spending (on household and personal expenses) then when you get your pay rise you can put that into a savings account. I guess that would make you feel more in control, and would give you a buffer so that you could spend more on presents for dn.

Then, at some point you need to talk about what each of you expect financially for the future. Any promotion prospects? How you will manage if COL continues to increase. What you woud do if one of you lost their job, or if you became pregnant. Are you genuinely on the same page with regards to your finances and your expectations? If not, how do you navigate that?

Having contributed equally over many, many years, my income suddenly stopped when Covid lockdown hit. I told dp the impact and of course he was willing to pay more into the 'household bills' pot. His words: " of course, I'll transfer £x amount. Just let me know next month if I need to do the same." On the face of it that sounds great, but I also know how awful, and grasping, and unequal I felt having to beg ask for financial support. I said it didn't work for me to have to ask every month. dp then changed his standing order - without a fuss - but because he'd never been in a position of financial inequality and having to ask for support, he didn't really understand the difference between the 2 positions.

They're essential items. Not everyone can wash and go. If you can't see that then that person either shaves their head, had fine none faffy hair, doesnt give a toss about their appearance or they're a bloke.

I fully agree with this. I would read it very carefully and think hard about the kind of partnership you would like to have with your significant other because the one you have now isn't really a partnership. The way you divide your finances is the way two flatmates or two people from two different households behave. If you are planning to have kids, your current set up won't work at all. You will lose your income after the baby, you may even need to stay home and not be able to earn for a number of years and you will need to be able to completely rely on your partner. Both of you don't seem to be ready and frankly willing to combine your lives in this way.

I would reassess your contributions to the joint pot asap. He earns more, so you each put in the same percentage of your earnings not the same actual amount.
Your original agreement was based on the idea that he paid for eating out - well he's not doing that now is he? he's getting you to sub him £50 in snacks and conveniently 'forgetting' to bring his wallet. If he wants to play silly games then he loses the privilege of paying proportionately less into the family pot.

That's if you want to stay with him of course, personally I wouldn't, he sounds like a complete tool.

Agree 100% with both of these posts 👏
He's mean, and his behaviour at the weekend is bloody horrible.

He knows I earn less, and that I've cut down massively on things. I used to go out with friends often - now it's once every 3 months if that. And he knows I don't have family to fall back on as he does. I've never demanded anything from him, never been bothered about gifts or fancy holidays or restaurants.
But he obviously isn't happy with the situation and I am feeling quite low about it now to be honest. He still hasn't offered to pay the money. I don't know if it's just that he genuinely doesn't understand my position and thinks I'm taking the piss out of him.

@mountaincloud you're right that it doesn't sit well with you, I'd be really hurt and I'm not surprised you're feeling low. Situations change - whether in terms of CoL which is affecting a lot of us hugely, or because of illness, an unexpected bill, having a baby, job loss etc. etc. He should have stepped up, IMO, when things became tighter for you, and offered to put more in the joint account. It makes me sad that he knows you couldn't afford an evening out with your friends when he has loads sat in his own acccount, and can buffer the CoL a lot easier because he earns a few hundred more than you every single month.

I don't live with my DP (both divorced with kids) but he earns a few hundred more than me and often helps me out, pays for more. And he has his own kids, house to think of! While I don't 'expect' it, I think it's a pretty sad state of affairs if someone who claims to love you doesn't want to support you and share their lives - whether that's with practical help or financial - aside from the emotional support that should be the very bare minimum anyway.

Personally I would feel really uncomfortable if I were him, seeing you struggle - drop your social life to barely anything, while he's far less affected. I wouldn't be happy if my DP had all that on their plate, let alone if I could help but chose not to. The hairdresser example is crap - why didn't he just buy it you, ditto the petrol. He sounds so miserly. You shouldn't be grateful for that - might as well have used a 0% credit card, and not had to profusely thank ffs. This is not a dig at you - it's obviously how he's made you feel.

Plus life should be fun! I still treat my DP too although I have less - 'spare' money should be enjoyed, what a miserable way to live.

Is he supportive emotionally, practically etc.? I'd take this as an opportunity to sound him out about how he sees finances, the future, but he doesn't sound like a good egg to me, or someone you'd want to rely on.

Do you think he missed the fact that you paid him back for the hairdryer? If not then his determination to have a day out at your expense makes no sense. Make sure you ask for at least 50% of the costs back.

I’d be seriously reconsidering if you want to go on much longer in this relationship too.

I'm struggling with the fact that in your OP you say he earns slightly more than you and so therefore takes more of the share of eating out, trips etc to even things up but you're skint at the end of each month and he has hundreds left over. Are you a bit of a fritterer and this annoys him when you then moan about being skint? I'll be honest and say I am (instagram brings up such tempting little things and before I know it I've spent £50 @😜) but I wouldn't then moan and expect DH to subsidise me still further. As PP says you were rude at the retail park - I'd have told you to bugger off if you'd spoken to me like that but if you'd asked for me to pay and be paid back beforehand it would be a totally different story...

OP I'm not sure what's going on here but your attitude to money is skewed.
You are struggling at the end of the month, you have a very rigid joint account setup with your DP. You won't use a credit card.
Yet you will spend so much on family presents that you run out of money at the end of the month and don't have enough for petrol. And you beg your DP for a loan.
You need to go through your own finances and sort out a budget for yourself. Money for presents and partying comes out of what's left AFTER you've budgeted for food, bills, petrol.
Work expenses - for goodness sake if this is regularly happening, get a credit card and ONLY use it for this purpose, and pay it back every month without fail. Without fail!
Then in an emergency you've got the means to buy, eg, an unexpected new hairdryer just before payday on your card, and pay it back in full. You are not your mum, a credit card is not the devil's work if you use it sensibly. What you are doing now isn't sensible.
I don't know if your DPs reaction was over the top, or if there's more to this and he's trying to show you what it's like for him.

Why are you not paying in appropriate to differing salaries? Sounds unfair you're so out of pocket and he's sitting pretty

Equal amounts into a shared pot, made up from unequal incomes always causes unfairness. Proportionality is the way to go.

Who leaves their wallet in the car? Would insurance even cover it if it got stolen.

What a miserable way to live.

We have a joint pot for bills, and separate accounts, however we don’t “bean count” what the other has spent … it all comes out in the wash. I pay, he pays, joint account pays .. it’s all family money.

This doesn't sound like a happy relationship if you are both counting every penny.
If you want a seperate bills account then as others have said you need to change the amount each pays into this, proportionally to your salary, as surely it isn't fair if you are earning less and have no money left over each month while we assume he still does.
I would also look at your spending. You say you spent a lot on presents at Christmas. Were these all necessary? I would look at your finances and look at whether there are things that could be reduced.
However I think your main issue is the shared costs with your supposed partner.