To feel hurt my friend group met without me?

[GlorificusT]

I’m part of a hobby group. We use a WhatsApp chat to arrange practicing this hobby and we also use it for general social meet ups including let’s say Bex who left the hobby but still socialises with us.

In the last 2 months I’ve suffered a bereavement and lost my job. Due to his I’ve had to step away from the hobby but explained to the group I still want to meet socially. At the same I said I’d love to have everyone round for a movie night. Most responses were you’re having such an awful time, please take care etc.

last month a poll was posted asking when everyone could meet to go bowling and for a meal. I heard nothing more about it then tonight they post photos of their night at the bowling. Clearly it went ahead and they have another WhatsApp where this is organised.

I suspect they expected me not to go due to cost but this has hurt me. I already feel isolated due to unemployment while desperately searching for a new job. AIBU?

That is really hurtful

Surely after the poll was posted, you asked what was happening about the meet?

Whether it’s relevant or not I’m the founder of the hobby and put so much work into it. It’s hard to feel forgotten about.

How it works is that whoever posts the poll then comes back with the plan. Clearly she did this but on a different chat I’m not part of.

I think they meant well and have been trying to give you space.

It might be an idea to send a message to the founder or group saying you now feel up to meet up.

But if you wanted to go, why didn't you come back with "So what's happening about bowling, what did we all decide?"

I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel hurt btw, but 'What's happening' is a completely normal question.

So I'm just wondering if the fact you didn't bother asking it, meant they thought you weren't interested?

Things like this sting.

I get it. I'd feel a pang too. I think most people would.

I wonder if they've mishandled it. You've been going through a difficult time and stepped away a bit- they might be tiptoeing around you and not want to be crass by bringing up fun nights out etc and instead have just arranged it without you thinking that might be the best course of action.

They've mishandled it completely. I'd bring it up with them.

I agree they’ve decided to give me space even though I said I wanted to see them and suggested a night at my place. No one took me up on it, just saying oh take care.

So now I’ve been home alone while they’ve all been out together.

I have also been excluded on outings through my Whatsapp group - it hurts - they meet for meals but I don't get included in the messages

But the rest of the group presumably didn’t ask this either on that WhatsApp conversation, but they all still went.
I agree with you OP, this is hurtful. It doesn’t make sense why the poll was on your WhatsApp group but the arrangement on another. I’m assuming you responded to the poll and it was a day you could make?

@MummyChocolateMonster i have a possible theory for what’s happened I think.

I think that sometimes separate WhatsApp groups get created just for specific social events. I reckon they’ve kept using one of these past socials to plan the next one.

But now after the event they’ve posted all photos from the night on the usual chat and saying how much they’d loved seeing each other. And yes I did say I could make a date next month along with others.

I’m supposed to see them next weekend but it’s definitely put my nose out of joint. I don’t think I want to tell the entire group I’m hurt - either I ask a friend in the group privately or say nothing at all.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through OP, and that your friends have made things worse. If they don't already have form for this kind of behaviour then hopefully you can chalk it up to them being ill equipped to deal with what's been happening in your life. Some people just don't know how to behave around loss, which is of course on them but means they're being awkward rather than purposefully unkind.

That sucks OP.

I'd call them out on it

@PangoPurrl I think you’re right.

even though I clearly said I wanted to see them they mentally thought let’s give her space. I’ve already lost my daily routine, feel isolated from work/my old team and now I feel isolated socially from friends.

My oldest friend has been great, proactive in meeting and being there. She would never send a well take care! and that’s it.

I'd be letting whoever you're closest to know that you are hurt and upset that they didn't include you in the social and that right now you need your friends even if you're not partaking in the hobby.

This being ostracised has happened to me with every bereavement I've had. I've been told some people don't know what to say or do but I've literally told people before that I don't manage these things on my own and am glad of my friends during those times. Seems people ignore what you say and prefer to exclude so they don't say something wrong.

The assumption I’m making here is that due to losing my job they assumed I couldn’t afford the night out and that’s why I’ve been excluded.

I may or may not have been able to but I don’t like the decision being made for me.

People suck. Someone is taking over your original role and is happy about it.

Did you respond on the poll giving dates?

And you now know she’s not your friend.

@Devianinc funnily enough it’s the one person that left the hobby but still socialises that has taken on all social planning.

She’s planning all of next month - which by the way is when I suggested people come to my place.

yes I responded to the poll. I’m thinking maybe I just have a word with one of main friends to ask what happened:

Why would you not write after the photos were shown -

'Glad you all had a nice time but I knew nothing about it and would have loved to have come!'

i totally get why you’re feeling hurt, had a very similar situation myself today.
My best friend called me this morning to say she was going away for the night, with 2 of our other friends and their other half’s. We are all good friends and socialise together, both as just the girls and as couples.
The whole thing really upset me, so now I’m sat here in bed watching cheesy hallmark movies whilst they’re all away having a good time not understanding why me and my husband weren’t invited.

@Chuchoter i suppose because it’s easier to have a quiet word and admit I’m upset to one person I know well versus the entire group who might all jump in with apologies or something.

it is an option obviously but not sure I want to do it that way.

@Ohdearinthedoghouseagain im sorry, that is really crap. I know the feeling.

enjoy your movie though 🙂