To feel hurt my friend group met without me?

[GlorificusT]

I’m part of a hobby group. We use a WhatsApp chat to arrange practicing this hobby and we also use it for general social meet ups including let’s say Bex who left the hobby but still socialises with us.

In the last 2 months I’ve suffered a bereavement and lost my job. Due to his I’ve had to step away from the hobby but explained to the group I still want to meet socially. At the same I said I’d love to have everyone round for a movie night. Most responses were you’re having such an awful time, please take care etc.

last month a poll was posted asking when everyone could meet to go bowling and for a meal. I heard nothing more about it then tonight they post photos of their night at the bowling. Clearly it went ahead and they have another WhatsApp where this is organised.

I suspect they expected me not to go due to cost but this has hurt me. I already feel isolated due to unemployment while desperately searching for a new job. AIBU?

I honestly don’t know if I’d give this person the satisfaction of knowing it’s bothering you. Just start making plans without her.

But you know her better than me so j hope your real friends see her for who she really is.

I wasn’t informed of something I’d have loved to go to a few weeks ago too ☹️.

It sucks.

There’s always one mean girl. I remember my daughter introducing this girl to all her friends and then the girl played I’m best friends with all of them and it hurt my daughters feelings. Don’t introduce other friends in to your main focal group. Their is always one.

It hurts, I’ve been there. But this is a reflection of them, not you . Not nice what they done… start distancing yourself slightly and find better friends who deserve your company.

If you aren’t going to the hobby, are there conversations IRL you’re missing out on to do with socialising, do you think?

People get very jumpy around bereavement. They are so scared of saying the wrong thing, and they sometimes react like grief may be contagious.

I’m sorry you were left out. I don’t think I’d make much of an issue over being hurt about it as it might make an already a bit awkward interaction more fraught.

”Hey guys, I voted in the poll to go out to bowling that night too - I think someone forgot to add me to the WhatsApp because I didn’t know it was going ahead. Keep me in the loop for the next one please. It looked a good night. “

You are upset so why should you need to pretend you're not? You have done nothing wrong. However, you don't know how it happened and have assumed that they think you might not afford it - until you ask you don't know. Maybe one of them said oh GlorifusT won't want to come as she's lost her job etc and the others have assumed that she/he knows what they are talking about.
I would say - it looks like you had a good time - how come I wasn't invited - did I miss a message -I would have come if I'd known

It would have been nice to ask her instead of doing it behind her back.. That’s the difference

Do you think they might have finalised details whilst meeting to do their hobby? As opposed to having another WhatsApp group?

@Rabbitreef i don’t think so because the organiser is Bex who has left the hobby.

I know they would definitely have discussed the final details on a WhatsApp chat, so I’m certain that exists.

I think I probably won’t say anything. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

Did you reply to the poll? This is key.

This.
Also was it the exact same day you offered a night in at yours?
Could you not still have organised that?

You say you replied to the poll, but you don't say whether the date chosen was a date you voted for? Was the date chosen the one with the most votes? Did they not just choose the most popular date and then arrange it amongst those people that had voted for it?

I would make sure myself I was included next time by organising it or asking more questions. People do tend to go quiet on others when they've had a bereavement for fear of saying the wrong thing or thinkjng they need space, but it can actually be more hurtful to be left out.

I hope in this case that it was a misunderstanding, OP, and that next time you can be included.

Eh?

You made it clear you wanted to socialise.

You suggested a movie night at yours. They said no, saying you're having a hard time. Weird response when you'd suggested it.

Then I presume you answered yes you'd attend to the bowling event poll in the group WhatsApp chat and the instigator moved making arrangements to another chat.

This is bizarre and does not sound like they're looking out for you at all when you've clearly expressed your desire to continue socialising.

However, I'd simply step away from them permanently rather than making enquiries. You'll never get to the bottom of it all.

Very hurtful and strange. Walk away.

How? Giving space means extending the invitation but being clear they have an easy get out and under no obligation to go. Not make someone feel excluded and paranoid about the separate group chat and meets. I'm sure you are trying to be kind to the OP but it read as a bit gaslighty to me

Honestly, I think you should start back up with the hobby. It sounds like a social group of convenience rather than true friendship so maybe it’s out of sight out of mind. Bex is only still involved in the social side because she’s doing the organising. Everyone loves an organiser.

I would do this too. It’s also a way for you to go out and meet with people instead of feeling isolated and sad at home. Sorry you are going through this.

This is likely, especially if quite a few people involved. It's difficult to find date that suits everyone

Did you actually reply to the poll OP stating you could make the date the event eventually took place on? If someone didn’t reply to the poll or couldn’t do the date the majority went with, I’d assume they didn’t want to come or couldn’t come. If you did reply to the poll stating you would like to come then that is out of order of them not including you.

I’d assume this too.
it’s annoying being on a WhatsApp group that gets taken over by arrangements for something you’re not involved in so I’d just assume they’d taken the arrangements elsewhere out of courtesy rather than to leave you out.
unless you did respond ‘yes
‘ to the date that they actually went? In which case that’s weird.

I would reply in the group. Say it looked like a fun night and you would have loved to come if you had known. Then Bex will have to answer and explain to everyone why you weren’t included. She is the instigator of this as she is the organiser and needs to be called out.

Maybe it was accidental? Perhaps they removed you from the hobby group chat when you said you'd stop doing that and forgot you wouldn't get messages about other stuff? Has there just been some misunderstanding? Can you just tell them you're surprised and hurt that you didn't know about the night out?

This is what I would do. Respond quickly and possibly say add something like 'I can't see any posts where this was arranged? "
This puts it back on to the organiser who seems to have excluded you and further highlights that you were not given details despite indicating your willingness to attend. Best address it now in an open and transparent way before it may start to cause resentment.

It’s most likely to be either thoughtlessness or a misunderstanding. I would express how you feel once you feel calmer about it all. Then if it happens again, walk away as you know it’s deliberate and nobody needs people like that around them.

I think everyone finds themselves in this position at some stage. If we’re honest, we have probably all done it too. It might start with asking friends over and then bumping into someone else and asking them and then it’s a case of where to stop. Often it’s more about time and logistics than actually choosing to leave someone out. you can’t have 30 people over for dinner every time you do anything.

It does sting sometimes. I get that. I made a whole new group of friends last year to avoid feeling dependent on one lot who were being a bit hot and cold. Dynamics do change in friendship groups over time and not always for the better.