To feel hurt my friend group met without me?

[GlorificusT]

I’m part of a hobby group. We use a WhatsApp chat to arrange practicing this hobby and we also use it for general social meet ups including let’s say Bex who left the hobby but still socialises with us.

In the last 2 months I’ve suffered a bereavement and lost my job. Due to his I’ve had to step away from the hobby but explained to the group I still want to meet socially. At the same I said I’d love to have everyone round for a movie night. Most responses were you’re having such an awful time, please take care etc.

last month a poll was posted asking when everyone could meet to go bowling and for a meal. I heard nothing more about it then tonight they post photos of their night at the bowling. Clearly it went ahead and they have another WhatsApp where this is organised.

I suspect they expected me not to go due to cost but this has hurt me. I already feel isolated due to unemployment while desperately searching for a new job. AIBU?

@GlorificusT Sorry if I've got this wrong but do you mean that the question was asked in your group, details arranged in a separate group you are not in and then photos posted back on your group?

That is really shit, and even if I have misunderstood the above it's still shit of them because they knew you wanted to socialise.

People are fucking weird around bereavement, I cannot forgive people I've known for years who blatantly ignored me when I was newly bereaved. Yet my window cleaner went out of his way to say sorry.

💐 For you.

Distress at missing out on the bowling isn't necessarily justified if several dates were suggested but OP wasn't available on the date that suited the majority

Sure, it's a pity to miss out, but I wouldn't expect a crowd to go round in circles looking for a date that suits everyone. I'd be content to sit this one out and go along next time

But, a lot depends how you're feeling at the time. Right now, I'm pretty confident and upbeat. If I was feeling low already then I might not be so pragmatic

I'm shocked they treat you like this but at the same time I'm not. People I thought cared, including my very close family members just ghosted me when they found out I had cancer. I got support from really unlikely places often from people I didnt know too well. Seems like cancer along with bereavement can really bring out the worst in people. I get that they feel awkward and don't know what to say but some behaviour is just downright nasty and cruel. Hope you're doing ok now. 💐

@paisley256 I got support from really unlikely places often from people I didnt know too well.

Same. When your chips are down in life you certainly discover who people really are and whose got your back. It's not always the people you'd expect either.

how did you respond to the poll!!??

Just ask in the group you are a member of what happened to your invite and say you felt left out and were looking forward to having a meet up and it would have cheered you up a lot.....

"guys I'm in a better place now. Please let me know when the next social is. Would love to come"

Did you respond to the poll for dates? Were they able to choose one of the dates you'd said yes to?
As if the majority could go on a day you couldn't make I see why they would have just arranged with those that could make the final date?

Could they have decided in person at the group when you weren't there?

They're a bit stupid to have posted the photos so that you can see them if they had deliberately excluded you. I would ask the obvious question on the group chat; 'I knew nothing about this at all, would have loved to go but nothing was posted in our group chat - someone please tell me what's going on?'

So sorry for the tough time that you have been having, OP.

OP this is very hurtful for you but there is one other thing you may need to consider. You’ve had a very difficult time lately and you may not be very good company at the minute. They may have excluded you on purpose. I know that is very upsetting but you may need to consider your behaviour and figure out whether it’s impacting you being invited to things.

If that were true (which, it seems like a reach, but let’s just say) and they had all decided their recently bereaved friend’s behaviour was so bad that they simply had to cut her off — it would be insanely confrontational and dramatic of them to approach that by posting a poll in a group chat she is part of, fully ignoring her response, planning the outing on a separate channel, and then dropping photos back into the original channel to send her some kind of message.

None of that feels true to how most people do stuff.

I was thinking more along the lines of not bothering to follow up about this event, and hoping she would join a later event when she’s feeling more like herself.

Hi op you could message look forward to the next meetup. Im finding whatsapps weird lately my mams neighbour wanted to meet me. I gave a few dates. No reply. Dont know just find people not that sincere now. It does hurt as you say.

OP, do YOU feel that this was an oversight or a deliberate exclusion?

For me, reading the thread, I just assumed that the bowling was arranged on the date that was most popular, which just didn't happen to be one you had marked as being available on. So to me, this looks like simple misunderstanding - on their part because they assumed that you wouldn't be able to come, and on your part if you assumed that the date you could come (even if others couldn't) should for some reason be given priority.

I suspect you are feeling sad and vulnerable right now because of the other stuff that's going on in your life, and seeing this as a much bigger issue than it is.

I'd suggest you put on a brave face and either organise an event yourself (preferably something more appealing than a film night at home which might not get many takers) or take yourself back to the hobby group. It sounds like you could do with the distraction and social interaction.

Did you respond to the poll? Were you free on the majority date they went out on?

Did you say Yes to the bowling poll? If you responded No, then it's obviously best for them to have a seperate chat going about that so they can finalise details without a annoying everyone else. Fine to post pics to main chat as everyone would normally be happy to see a few snaps, even if the didn't go.

Have you done a poll on your proposed movie night to get names to then gone on to plan it with dates times etc?

It really hurts....I have been there.... pulled the so called friend group out about the situation.....said it how it was, how I was made to feel.....no comeback, nothing, no apology.....haven't spoken to any of them since. I realised that they were not true friends after all. Walk straight past them now as though they are strangers and I feel so much better now. Maybe it's best to just step away. Sounds toxic. Good luck with the job hunting. I am sure you will find your right path and new friends will also...x

This is a good first step. Keep it casual

‘Looks great. I somehow missed the details for this one. I’m definitely up for the next night out’

I disagree. When someone is going through stuff you reach out. They obviously are fair weather friends, as my mom called them. They don’t want to be there for her and that’s ok. Many people are very shallow like that. Don’t expect too much from the “hobby group”. Instead join a group of people going through similar struggles