To feel hurt my friend group met without me?

[GlorificusT]

I’m part of a hobby group. We use a WhatsApp chat to arrange practicing this hobby and we also use it for general social meet ups including let’s say Bex who left the hobby but still socialises with us.

In the last 2 months I’ve suffered a bereavement and lost my job. Due to his I’ve had to step away from the hobby but explained to the group I still want to meet socially. At the same I said I’d love to have everyone round for a movie night. Most responses were you’re having such an awful time, please take care etc.

last month a poll was posted asking when everyone could meet to go bowling and for a meal. I heard nothing more about it then tonight they post photos of their night at the bowling. Clearly it went ahead and they have another WhatsApp where this is organised.

I suspect they expected me not to go due to cost but this has hurt me. I already feel isolated due to unemployment while desperately searching for a new job. AIBU?

Did you answer the poll?

I had something similar happen to me. We were a big group, went out for meals and went on weekends away all together as couples but also just the ‘girls’. There were a few things that I noticed but the nail in the coffin was when all the girls went out for a meal, posted on SM and I didn’t know it was even being planned.
I was so hurt and to this day I don’t know what I’ve done to be ‘dumped’. It took a while but I’m now over it. We were friends for a period but that bit of my life is over.

I had someone say to me let's arrange a date for a drink at christmas. They then cancelled due to illness but then a mutual contact posted two events at christmas with the individual in question via linkedin, so they couldn't have been that ill. It's not nice to be seeing that; I'd rather someone just be honest but at least you now know where you stand and not to bother next time. I am sorry that you experienced that from your group. I agree that you should put a message on the pictures.

But now after the event they’ve posted all photos from the night on the usual chat and saying how much they’d loved seeing each other. And yes I did say I could make a date next month along with others.

The date you said you could make is next month. The event already happened so imo that was the preferred date and not next month. You weren't excluded from a date you said you could make. Perhaps some of the others said they could also make the other date while at your hobby and were given the details then.

Do you think you are being more sensitive to this because of your current situation and making more of it than they went on a date that you hadn't selected in the poll?

You are clearly not being excluded as you are supposed to meet them next weekend, if you decide not to go then you are excluding yourself.

Organise the night at yours. You only suggested it. Did you make a poll? People aren't going to arrange that for you. Doesn't sound like you are happy that someone who left the hobby still socialises with the group. She organises meet ups, if people didn't want to spend time with her they wouldn't go.

You're currently not going to the hobby, that you founded, so you will need to put more effort into arranging to meet socially. When you leave the common denominator with a group, naturally this is what happens.

Do you not have friends from before you started this hobby group?

People handle bereavement differently. I lost someone very close recently too and I prefer to deal with it completely alone. My best friend has told me if I need him, he's there and I know he means it. He knows I will call when I want to see him.

I agree that it sounds like the event happened on a date you couldn’t do - is that correct? You say you responded to the poll saying you were available for a date next month and others, but you don’t say that you were one of those who ticked the poll for the date it actually happened. In which case the organiser arranged it directly with the people who ticked the date they preferred, maybe the most popular one or maybe it suited them for another reason. I doubt it was picked to exclude you on purpose. Isn’t this the more likely scenario? I understand it still hurts and it’s fine to say you’d love to come next time or something, but unless I’m getting this wrong and you were one of those who ticked the chosen date, I wouldn’t read more motives into it.

This.
I would certainly have a similar response if I had been excluded.
The OP has lost her job and had a bereavement - the least her 'friends' could do is to include her and let her decide if she wanted to join in.
Clearly, the organiser of the bowling event has deliberately NOT invited the OP and the fact that the offer to host a film night has been pushed aside speaks volumes.

I suppose it depends on context, why did you suggest a movie night and is this something the group normally does?
If you said... I know we normally go out but I have no money etc etc then I can understand them going out without you. Likewise if movie nights in someone's house is not the norm - sounds horrendous to me as a social event.
Or did you vote you couldn't make that date they went out?

Seems you have two things bothering you, the exclusion from the bowling night having said you’d like to go (justified) and the offer of a movie night at yours being rebuffed (unjustified, people didn’t fancy it and that’s fine)

I would perhaps ask one person how it all unfolded without you,then you’ll know. Don’t mention the movie night, accept folk though it a bit of a lame idea.

I'd ask one of your closer friends in the group - I wouldn't say about being hurt but I'd just say you had wanted to join bowling but never received messages about the plan, is there a separate WhatsApp group you need to be added to? And leave it at that.

Read ‘let them’ by Mel Robbins, it’s a really good read which I think will help you deal with day to day situations like this one

Meant well?! How is excluding someone from a social outing "meaning well"? Even if the OP was not going through a hard time, this is bullying. There is nothing well-meaning or kind about any of this behavior. This group just doesn't want to deal with someone who is struggling. Probably worried it will ruin their precious "good vibes only" mentality.

OP, I'd drop them like a hot potato. These are no friends of yours. Bunch of high school bullies is the best that could be said of them.

I'm so sorry that's really hard. I just don't get their thought process. Hope you're ok 💐

Did you say yes to the date that they chose? If you did, and they excluded you, this is bang out of order. It’s always hard when you’re in a group and are excluded. I am in a hobby group with maybe 20 regulars and a small group have another group set up and they go to pub quiz etc, without saying anything to others. It does feel hurtful sometimes though I understand they are closer to each other than to wider group, and you can’t always organise things for a big group as it gets complicated

Definitely this.

Send a message to the organiser and say ‘hey I responded to the poll but didn’t hear any of the info about the evening so didn’t know when/where!! Sorry I would have loved to have come..’ and take it from there. Sorry that is hurtful and lack of thought on their part. X

The OP DID reply to the poll. But they key is if the OP was free on the date that the bowling went ahead?

if you said for example I’m free on 10th and 20th March and most people were free on the 15th and it happened on the 15th then that’s unfortunate.

but it should really still be organised on the main chat. And if the 15th for example was chosen then that should be offered as a date in the main chat.

how close to Bex are you? I think now she’s left, she’s trying to set up social events separately and wants to leave the hobby chat as she is no longer her part of that. You need to get a friend to add you to the other chat.

Separately, think you should try going back to the hobby (particularly as you’re a founder) before the push you out entirely and change it.

I’m sorry for your loss and sorry you also lost your job. That’s horrible. Then this on top.

You said on the first page you said you could make a date next month.
Did you say you could meet this date though?

If you hadn't said you could make this date then they haven't done anything wrong except hold an event in a day you couldn't make - which is something that happens when you have a large group to organise and normally is nothing personal.

I'd reply to the photos.

Ah, shame I didn't know this was happening. I was looking forward to bowling.

If the poll suggested dates and the majority all preferred a different date to OP then it would have been nicer to say "looks like it will only work on the 17th. Sorry you can't make that OP" rather than just radio silence but it isn't excluding her.

If she answered the poll to say she couldn't do the date that more people ticked yes to the it's not that surprising they went with the othe date and assumed she wasn't going to cha ge her calendar to suit.

OP is being very vague on the poll question and answers so we can't tell how unreasonable or not her friends were

They probably just arranged it face-to-face at the hobby. Not everything is done through WhatsApp. Do you plan to return to the hobby? If not, you probably ought to accept that you are not part of the group any more. If you do, try returning sooner rather than later, and try not to resent them. It’s not personal.

I attend a club where event date options are listed, the date the majority can do is always put in the WhatsApp group, because occasionally, someone will want/be able to juggle things so they can attend. They aren't just left hanging.

Did you vote for the date that ended up being the date?

Did you make it clear you wanted to go and could afford to?

I find people can become a bit weird on WhatsApp groups for some reason.

I was in a walking group - 6-10k.

I explained I had to take a break for cancer treatment but I would resume walking as soon as I could. In the meantime I said I could still do 2-3 k walks if anyone wanted.

I then found my post deleted and I was blocked from the group.

I was shocked that nobody bothered to contact me. That hurt.

I’ve now decided they’re not worth a second of my precious time and have made some new friends by joining another fitness type group.

I feel that first, your circumstances, then you stepping back, plus suggesting the next social is replaced with a movie night at yours has said to them that you’re not actually up for a night out.

I don’t know how old you are but if I was in the group, I wouldn’t be up for a movie night at a friends. I would for a very close friend. People will never be as invested in your problems as you’d like to hope they would be.
I hope things improve for you.

Agree with @Cordorr for me, if dh and I have organise things around for a night out, I want to be out out!
Is it quite a small group or do you have a.large house to accommodate a large group?