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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter is wearing inappropriate bikini on family holiday.

131 replies

romma · 14/03/2025 23:55

We are going on holiday to Cyprus and daughter has bought a bunch of thong style bikinis, she’s a teenager but how do I talk to her about it. As there will be extended family

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 15/03/2025 09:37

God we bang on about girls worrying about their looks and how much shame there is around how they look then tell them they can’t wear something that’s very ‘in’ because <checks notes> some random man might not like it.

Grow up

SquashedSquashess · 15/03/2025 09:54

Turning this around, would your 19 year old daughter feel comfortable if her male relatives wore thong speedos? I expect not. And not because she’d be ogling, but because it would be unusual and therefore eye catching.

There are boundaries with family when it comes to nudity. Separately, women are rightly very aware of not shaming girls and young women about their bodies and what they wear, which is all getting mixed into this situation.

Your daughter can choose what she wears. But nudity being inappropriate with family is a fact of life. So it will probably be uncomfortable for everyone, including her. But that is her choice.

Extended family aren’t wrong to feel uncomfortable. Your daughter isn’t wrong to choose to wear what she wants, she is prioritising her wants above social norms, as that appears to be her value system.

I don’t think it’s a choice of one side of the debate being correct, both sides views on this are valid.

When I was your daughter’s age, I would have had the same attitude as her. Now in my 30s, I would prioritise social norms, because my values have changed.

Mercedes45 · 15/03/2025 09:56

POTC · 14/03/2025 23:57

If she's 19 it's her choice, you can't and shouldn't do anything. Are you going to walk around the pool or along the beach telling other people they're dressed inappropriately?

You can provide guidance to your daughter at any age

CharlotteCChapel · 15/03/2025 10:02

It's not the aesthetic issue I'd have problems with. Our bums rarely see the sun so are more likely to burn, even with high factor so I'd suggest she takes some fuller coverage ones in case she over does it. Speaking from experience here.

Goldengirl123 · 15/03/2025 10:07

I certainly wouldn’t be happy and it will really embarrass the relatives but what can you do if she won’t listen?

YipYapYop · 15/03/2025 12:59

I don't think it's really about male relatives. Isn't it also a bit "granny doesn't want to see your bum"

YipYapYop · 15/03/2025 13:00

CharlotteCChapel · 15/03/2025 10:02

It's not the aesthetic issue I'd have problems with. Our bums rarely see the sun so are more likely to burn, even with high factor so I'd suggest she takes some fuller coverage ones in case she over does it. Speaking from experience here.

I learned a similar harsh lesson about nipples when I went topless sunbathing and a teenager! Granny wasn't there though

ThinWomansBrain · 15/03/2025 13:08

put up with it
don't invite /pay for her to go on any further family holidays if she can't behave appropriately

ItGhoul · 15/03/2025 13:08

romma · 14/03/2025 23:56

19

You cannot tell an adult what to wear.

ItGhoul · 15/03/2025 13:15

Mercedes45 · 15/03/2025 09:56

You can provide guidance to your daughter at any age

The OP has already ‘provided guidance’ and her daughter disagrees. Therefore the conversation should now be over because as an adult, the OP needs to respect the right of another adult to wear whatever she likes. You don’t just have a lifetime of input over another adult’s choices just because you birthed them.

I’m an adult in my 40s and if my mother told me my swimwear was ‘inappropriate’ I’d politely tell her to mind her own business. I don’t see why that would be any different for an adult of 19.

Parents don’t own their adult children.

BoldRed · 15/03/2025 16:43

I’m sure the OP has had some lovely ‘personal’ time reading all these comments about teenage bodies.

BoldRed · 15/03/2025 16:46

HomeBodyClub · 15/03/2025 08:46

It sounds like a you problem. She is 19!

Parents who throw their kids clothes away are abusive.

The OP is a regular MN pervert.

Noodlecat · 15/03/2025 17:03

If you want to give her body issues for the rest of her life then you’re doing a grand job.

crumblingschools · 15/03/2025 17:05

If you don’t want a man wearing a mankini does that give them body issues

MoveOnTheCards · 15/03/2025 17:21

Surely she can make her own decisions on what to wear? If any (presumably male?) family members are going to feel ‘uncomfortable’ by seeing her, they can just stop looking at her body?

Bodumb · 16/03/2025 05:00

BoldRed · 15/03/2025 16:43

I’m sure the OP has had some lovely ‘personal’ time reading all these comments about teenage bodies.

This same thread has been done before

FurFangsPawsAndClaws · 16/03/2025 05:11

Hollyhedge · 14/03/2025 23:58

Just tell her you’re not grandma, uncle, cousin want to look at her arse. Then leave it up to her.

And knephew?

Justsayit123 · 16/03/2025 06:03

What about saying if you only have things, you’re not coming on holiday.

Holdmeclosecooedthedove · 16/03/2025 06:11

EconomyClassRockstar · 15/03/2025 00:01

It's the beach! I presume Grandad and Uncle Mike are also bringing their flabby tummies out too?

No, they're bringing their thongs too

StarlightLady · 16/03/2025 08:09

This is really much ado about nothing. To refer to a 19 year old as a teenager might be technically correct l suppose but she is an adult and can make her own body positive choices. There is really little difference between a bit of exposed bum cheek and figure hugging (which most swimwear is) fabric.

Appropriate or otherwise is such a judgemental word in this context.

l’m in my 40s now (UK born) but due to dad’s job was brought up in France. At 19 l went topless on beaches (still do so where l can) together with mum (now deceased) and sister. No family members were scarred for life as a result.

StarlightLady · 16/03/2025 08:12

SquashedSquashess · 15/03/2025 09:54

Turning this around, would your 19 year old daughter feel comfortable if her male relatives wore thong speedos? I expect not. And not because she’d be ogling, but because it would be unusual and therefore eye catching.

There are boundaries with family when it comes to nudity. Separately, women are rightly very aware of not shaming girls and young women about their bodies and what they wear, which is all getting mixed into this situation.

Your daughter can choose what she wears. But nudity being inappropriate with family is a fact of life. So it will probably be uncomfortable for everyone, including her. But that is her choice.

Extended family aren’t wrong to feel uncomfortable. Your daughter isn’t wrong to choose to wear what she wants, she is prioritising her wants above social norms, as that appears to be her value system.

I don’t think it’s a choice of one side of the debate being correct, both sides views on this are valid.

When I was your daughter’s age, I would have had the same attitude as her. Now in my 30s, I would prioritise social norms, because my values have changed.

Who mentioned nudity? Partial bum cheek is not nudity!

Nowvoyager99 · 16/03/2025 08:14

Hollyhedge · 14/03/2025 23:58

Just tell her you’re not grandma, uncle, cousin want to look at her arse. Then leave it up to her.

Yep. This sums it up.

Don’t be in her case, she’s 19 and can make her own choices. Even the bad ones.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/03/2025 08:19

romma · 15/03/2025 00:11

I’ve tried to say it like that. She’s saying she shouldn’t be made to cover up because there’s going to be male relatives there and that it’s their problem not hers if they are uncomfortable

This is exactly how I feel - they're just bum cheeks? Extensions of her thighs? If I had my 19 year old bum back, I'd be wearing thong bikinis too. Mind you, I always went topless in family holidays as a teen, and so did my sister, so maybe my family was a pretty relaxed one? We certainly didn't have male family members perving over our bum cheeks.

maddening · 16/03/2025 08:28

EconomyClassRockstar · 15/03/2025 00:01

It's the beach! I presume Grandad and Uncle Mike are also bringing their flabby tummies out too?

But not their bare arses.

The op isn't concerned re the dd's stomach, it is the fact that the pants are a thong.

Notsosure1 · 16/03/2025 09:32

POTC · 15/03/2025 00:21

And she's correct, it is entirely their problem not hers. If male relatives are uncomfortable around her because she's wearing a thong bikini then they are the concern, not her.

It’s interesting the whole concept of sexual attraction. In most of the world we are taught to find the female body sexually attractive. For all sorts of reasons - biological, as in continuing the species, for profit… The constant barrage all over the media and headlines “Still Sexy at Sixty”, “Look at (actress) in barely there dress”, “See (celebrity) freeing the nipple in this naughty see-through top” etc.etc. and this is just fashion, I won’t go into the constant diet of encouraging men and boys to lust after women and girls and for women and girls to desire to be sexually objectified on film, in the music industry, only fans..for the sexual gratification and profiteering primarily of men, though at least OF allows women some semblance of control.

My point is (female) sex sells and male relatives (like everyone) have had a constant diet of being encouraged to be pulled towards mainly young, attractive, barely-clothed female bodies since childhood. Of course there is an inherent disgust which has been enforced socially for hundreds of years when it comes to finding members of your family sexually attractive, quite rightly and for all sorts of reasons, but the fact remains, if a young, sexually mature woman is wearing extremely revealing clothing they are bound to be uncomfortable bc there’s not suddenly a non-sexual undertone. The clothing isn’t being worn by a child or an animal, physically and visually it’s being worn by the type of person they have been encouraged to be sexually attracted to in that particular attire.

By a family member choosing to wear them around them they have to suddenly NOT find thongs, bikinis, naked breasts or arses sexually attractive bc to them and the world it is sick in that context. Hopefully many men can separate the two things and do this successfully but it doesn’t mean it is a simple, comfortable process. It’s something no one really likes to think about bc it should be a complete given that male family members would never ever be sexually attracted to off-limits female family members - but as in a lot of sexual attractions this assumes it’s voluntary and can be switched on and off. Historically we obviously know this isn’t the case, or a lot of homosexual ppl would not have been punished, imprisoned or felt the only escape was suicide if they could simply conform by switching off their sexual feelings which didn’t comply to the societal norms of the time. Of course I’m not saying every dad, uncle, brother, son will be overcome with lust for their female family member in a nipple-grazing bikini, but it surely does not need spelling out that things like this are simply not black and white, just bc we’d all probably prefer not to acknowledge this could ever be the case in a ‘normal’ family scenario.