To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

[ZingyJadePombear]

Half of these “soulmates” would dump each other in a second if they actually liked themselves enough to be single.

Every time someone starts a thread “I think most people…”, I can’t help but think they are projecting their own subconscious attitudes.
Are you terrified of being alone? If not, then why would you think “most people” are?

I agree.

You're not wrong

The first answer is spot on.

Do you need us to tell you that it’s ok to settle ?

I do wonder how many people would remain in their current relationship if they won the lottery / never wanted kids….

Not at all. I just think a lot of people settle for relationships out of fear rather than genuine love. It’s a pattern I’ve observed.

This is not true in my experience, thankfully. I know many couples who genuinely adore each other and enhance each other’s lives.

Yes, I think that’s probably true.

So do I but I still think the OP has a point.

I agree but I think it's a good thing if people decide to commit to a companionate marriage and support each other through life

Like many species, humans evolved to form pair-bonds. I don’t think submitting to this extremely powerful drive means people are scared or hate themselves.

I think this is true of some people yeah...........

Plenty of people stay in dead/average/basic/just OK marriages, when they no longer love their partner (possibly never really did) because it's easier than leaving. They rub along together OK, they have a companion, they share the trials of life and life's burdens, (and the finances,) and a problem shared is a problem halved etc. But yeah I think some people would have left some years ago if they had come into money/didn't need their partner to help them with finances.

This is why celebrity marriages break up so often, because when the rot sets in, or the boredom, or their partner cheats and the trust and respect has gone, they can leave and survive alone OK. Many women (especially those who have children) would struggle massively alone, and stay because it's easier than leaving, and they fear being alone. Ditto the men. They will also struggle as they will have to fork out to support the ex, and the children, as well as paying for his own bills and rent or mortgage.

But yeah, I do think some people want a partner simply because they want to be in a couple, and many don't really deeply love that person. I also think very few people experience really deep, true, romantic love, and some people have never been truly in love.

@Chickoletta · Today 19:08

This is not true in my experience, thankfully. I know many couples who genuinely adore each other and enhance each other’s lives.

With respect, you only see - in your couple friends and acquaintances - what they want you to see. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know, one of them might have had multiple affairs. Anything could be going on in the home that you don't know of.

I think there’s a lot of ‘not great’ relationships out there. But I’d say the biggest driver is maintaining standard of living

I think the OP has a point too. Of course it’s not the whole story and there are many genuinely happy couples but I do think for a majority convenience, fear of being alone and the whole infrastructure of marriage is ultimately more important than spiritual and emotional compatibility.

Plus just the taboo around being single.

From what I’ve read on MN, most are in relationships to either share living costs or quite to be financially subsidised.

When I was in my late teens and twenties I had a strong urge to find love. I wasn't afraid of being alone. I'm quite self-sufficient. But I felt that something was missing from my life and finding someone I loved and who loved me back felt important.

30 years later and after a number of failed relationships my opinion is much more fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Which is why I wonder how many couples would survive a massive lottery win!

😂

YABU. They are not scared of being alone, they only wish they could afford to be.

I think that some people form relationships and attachments very easily (securely attached people) and others really struggle and fail to partner up with anyone.

That's my honest view. If you look at any of those shows of long term singles you usually find people who struggle with social skills or struggle to connect to one another.

I don't think most people settle tbh - you tend to grow more attached to someone the longer you're with them.

I agree with this. We've literally evolved to form couplings with one another - this isn't driven by fear, it's entirely natural thing for humans to seek out, and just driven by our biology

I agree to some extent. A lot of people do settle and live unhappily for the kids, financial reasons or just out of it being the norm. Leaving is too much of an upheaval and some people just won’t.
Some people are truly happy though!
And then some of us find their soulmate and leave them. Even though it means starting again.
So it’s not true in all cases.

Thinking about it there have been a few people I've met over the years who really were incredibly uncomfortable about being on their own, even for a week. They're the kind of people who would tend to have someone ready and waiting in the background in case their main relationship fell apart. But I always saw those kinds of people as the exception rather than the majority.

Like most things to do with people, the answer is "Some do; some don't."

@Thepeopleversuswork

What's the taboo about being single

I don't think it's fear of being alone, OP

I know people who would split from their spouses in a heartbeat if finances allowed, and I know couples who genuinely seem to love each other. More who would split than would stay together. Some of them will stay together until their children have passed their exams. Plenty who don't want to give up their house. Plenty of men who can't survive without a 'housewife'.

I only know of two women who are scared of being alone.