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Original poster

To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

82 replies

ZingyJadePombear · 14/03/2025 18:59

Half of these “soulmates” would dump each other in a second if they actually liked themselves enough to be single.

OP posts:
Errors · 14/03/2025 21:10

I agree. I do not know one person who is in a happy relationship. They won’t leave as they can’t afford to, can’t face it, are lying to themselves etc.

I am single and have been for a short while. I’m trying to get so used to being single that if someone does show up, I won’t ‘settle’ for less as being alone will be my normal.

It hasn’t been easy, I have felt so lonely and sad at times but it’s getting much easier and I can’t wait until I just feel content with it. Won’t be long now.

I think most people won’t admit to themselves just how unhappy they are and how toxic their environments are. They bury their head in the sand when it’s plain as day to anyone observing.

Ddakji · 14/03/2025 21:18

The thing is, most of the time people don’t voice their fear of being alone for fear of being seen as needy or desperate.

Errors · 14/03/2025 21:19

Ddakji · 14/03/2025 21:18

The thing is, most of the time people don’t voice their fear of being alone for fear of being seen as needy or desperate.

I doubt many people would admit it even to themselves

Errors · 14/03/2025 21:21

Of all the couples I know, the ‘happiest’ (and I’m not convinced they’re totally happy) is the couple that spends hardly any time together. They don’t have kids and live practically separate lives from one another. All the others are miserable as sin. Although you wouldn’t know it from their instagram posts.

HowardTJMoon · 14/03/2025 21:22

I know a number of people who are, as far as I can tell, in happy and fulfilling long term relationships. (To be fair I'm not one really to judge as all of my relationships have failed and I've now been single for ages because, frankly, I've been alone long enough that I'm very used to living life to suit me and my kids plus I genuinely cannot be arsed to accommodate someone else.)

Attraction and limerence are overwhelming in the early days of a relationship but what marks out the ones that last are, as far as I can see, mutual respect, affection, trust, consideration and above all else communication.

BlondiePortz · 14/03/2025 21:26

Catza · 14/03/2025 19:01

Every time someone starts a thread “I think most people…”, I can’t help but think they are projecting their own subconscious attitudes.
Are you terrified of being alone? If not, then why would you think “most people” are?

I agree with this, but i do wonder why people stay when they in a bad relationship they can leave but choose not do

Bread121bread · 14/03/2025 21:44

Right now, I would like someone to share life with. With the added bonus of sexual fulfilment.

JHound · 14/03/2025 21:45

Errors · 14/03/2025 21:10

I agree. I do not know one person who is in a happy relationship. They won’t leave as they can’t afford to, can’t face it, are lying to themselves etc.

I am single and have been for a short while. I’m trying to get so used to being single that if someone does show up, I won’t ‘settle’ for less as being alone will be my normal.

It hasn’t been easy, I have felt so lonely and sad at times but it’s getting much easier and I can’t wait until I just feel content with it. Won’t be long now.

I think most people won’t admit to themselves just how unhappy they are and how toxic their environments are. They bury their head in the sand when it’s plain as day to anyone observing.

I have been single for years - so long I don’t think I can even be bothered to date. I tend to walk from the opportunities that present themselves and loathe OLD so that’s that!

PalazzoBarberini · 14/03/2025 21:47

BatchCookBabe · 14/03/2025 19:22

I think this is true of some people yeah...........

Plenty of people stay in dead/average/basic/just OK marriages, when they no longer love their partner (possibly never really did) because it's easier than leaving. They rub along together OK, they have a companion, they share the trials of life and life's burdens, (and the finances,) and a problem shared is a problem halved etc. But yeah I think some people would have left some years ago if they had come into money/didn't need their partner to help them with finances.

This is why celebrity marriages break up so often, because when the rot sets in, or the boredom, or their partner cheats and the trust and respect has gone, they can leave and survive alone OK. Many women (especially those who have children) would struggle massively alone, and stay because it's easier than leaving, and they fear being alone. Ditto the men. They will also struggle as they will have to fork out to support the ex, and the children, as well as paying for his own bills and rent or mortgage.

But yeah, I do think some people want a partner simply because they want to be in a couple, and many don't really deeply love that person. I also think very few people experience really deep, true, romantic love, and some people have never been truly in love.

@Chickoletta · Today 19:08

This is not true in my experience, thankfully. I know many couples who genuinely adore each other and enhance each other’s lives.

With respect, you only see - in your couple friends and acquaintances - what they want you to see. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know, one of them might have had multiple affairs. Anything could be going on in the home that you don't know of.

By the same token, a marriage could also far happier than you surmise.

Didimum · 14/03/2025 21:49

I think you’ve oversimplified it, OP, but I get what you’re saying and I half agree with you.

I think wanting to share your life with someone meaningfully is very different from being ‘terrified of being alone’.

I also think that rather than fear of being alone it’s actually sunk cost fallacy and the inability/reluctance to let go of a projected vision of the future.

I don’t think simply ‘terrified of being alone’ covers it fully.

icelolly12 · 14/03/2025 22:01

I think most women are or were looking for love. Most men are looking for a slave

PermanentTemporary · 14/03/2025 22:08

I think the infrastructure of being together is important for a lot of couples. I also think being 'happy enough' is underrated.

I'm in love with dp. Sometimes wish I wasn't if I'm honest, and at the moment id be better off financially as well (he has a good pension so that will change) but I reached a point where I longed for love and intimacy, so I went and found it. He makes my heart sing and I've never felt so cared for.

Catastrophejane · 14/03/2025 22:12

icelolly12 · 14/03/2025 22:01

I think most women are or were looking for love. Most men are looking for a slave

I’d agree with this in many cases.

maybe not slave but definitely a mother!

Catastrophejane · 14/03/2025 22:17

Didimum · 14/03/2025 21:49

I think you’ve oversimplified it, OP, but I get what you’re saying and I half agree with you.

I think wanting to share your life with someone meaningfully is very different from being ‘terrified of being alone’.

I also think that rather than fear of being alone it’s actually sunk cost fallacy and the inability/reluctance to let go of a projected vision of the future.

I don’t think simply ‘terrified of being alone’ covers it fully.

This is true. I’m not sure there are many people who would rather actually spend time with anyone than no one.

i reckon it’s a combo of financial and social factors.

I think people stay together because they fear change. Don’t want to sell their home, don’t want to upend their family lives, friendship groups and social networks.

many like the social acceptance that comes with marriage and worry about what it would look like.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/03/2025 22:24

Ted27 · 14/03/2025 20:28

@Thepeopleversuswork

What's the taboo about being single

For a lot of people being single is still something they fear and feel ashamed of.

I don’t, but you must have encountered this surely?

WeylandYutani · 14/03/2025 22:25

I was not looking for love, I just happened to find it. Until then I was happily single, but I came to realise what I had been missing out on.

Amotherlife · 14/03/2025 22:31

I'm not scared to be alone, I like my own company. But I prefer to stay in my relationship. The only person I know who has told me they can't stand to be alone has not been in a relationship for 25 years. They have tons of friends instead which is great, but they still can't spend a day without seeing someone, which I think is sad.

CherryPopPp · 14/03/2025 22:32

I’m fine on my own been alone for nearly a decade but I definitely think life is better having a partner to share it with

theprincessthepea · 14/03/2025 22:50

This doesn’t surprise me and I’d say it’s common in couples that haven’t gotten to know themselves individually - and arnt lucky enough to be compatible and grow together.

In my friendship circle we are all very self confident and when our long term partners came into our lives it was important that they accepted us for who we were. I’ve noticed many people do settle before they are ready. At the same time, if you are happy, then it’s not an issue

Arraminta · 14/03/2025 23:09

Not everyone yearns for a Claire & Jamie (Outlander) all consuming love affair that lasts a lifetime. I know one of my closest friends would have shuddered at the very thought of all that passion and intensity. She deliberately chose (not settled for) a calm, mutually beneficial marriage with a good man, and she was happily married for 20 years. She got exactly what she wanted.

Alternatively, I always wanted the love story. I met DH 34 years ago and I have never stopped falling in love with him. Yes, he can drive me up the wall at times, and he's far from perfect. But I'd give him my heart on a plate if he asked it of me, and I know that I'm never far from his thoughts. I got exactly what I wanted too.

The opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

Kitchensinktoday · 15/03/2025 07:23

Ddakji · 14/03/2025 21:18

The thing is, most of the time people don’t voice their fear of being alone for fear of being seen as needy or desperate.

True

MsCactus · 15/03/2025 09:33

Also, to add to my earlier point about biology - it's interesting that people always say others are terrified of being alone re relationships and staying single, but never around friendships.

A good, long-term relationship is basically having a best buddy around you all the time who you also get to have sex with. It's great - can't understand why some people are against relationships so much. If your partner is a dickhead just ditch them and get a nice/fun one

Catastrophejane · 15/03/2025 10:04

MsCactus · 15/03/2025 09:33

Also, to add to my earlier point about biology - it's interesting that people always say others are terrified of being alone re relationships and staying single, but never around friendships.

A good, long-term relationship is basically having a best buddy around you all the time who you also get to have sex with. It's great - can't understand why some people are against relationships so much. If your partner is a dickhead just ditch them and get a nice/fun one

That’s a lovely way to describe a relationship.

that was basically what I’ve been looking for for years. Finally found it, but it took me until my 40’s

i think the reason so many women say it’s better being single is because very many men are not looking for a friend. They want a nurse, mother, maid or a free ride.

that’s the problem. I think it’s why so many women are happier being single. The guys who truly like women for who they are are few and far between.

NeedToChangeName · 15/03/2025 10:07

Still a lot of pressure from society to be in a relationship

5128gap · 15/03/2025 10:17

Not wanting to be single doesn't mean you dont like yourself. Wherever did you get that idea? People want to live as part of a couple for lots of reasons. They might want to raise children with another resident parent. They may have life goals that are only achievable with pooled resources. They may be tolerant of the flaws of another person if there are sufficient good points to balance them. They may see something in their partner not obvious to you that they love. They may simply be so tied into life with the other person, financially, practically and socially, that separation would cause more pain and trouble than it's worth. Liking oneself is entirely irrelevant. You might think yourself practically perfect in every way, but still want the external input from another person in your life.