To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

[ZingyJadePombear]

Half of these “soulmates” would dump each other in a second if they actually liked themselves enough to be single.

@Ddakji · Yesterday 21:18

The thing is, most of the time people don’t voice their fear of being alone for fear of being seen as needy or desperate.

This. ^

Yes to this... ^ Life is a lot easier with a partner. Single life for women is often celebrated on here, and some posters act like they're Bridget Jones or something, with a shiny apartment in London, a 6 figure a year career, lots of men fawning over them, a great social life, and a big circle of friends.

In reality, for many single women, life is difficult. A constant financial struggle, lonely evenings and nights in their home, no-one to share their everyday troubles and worries with, no-one to do hobbies with, no-one go on a day trip or holiday with (or out for meals, or to the cinema with.) And no-one to look after them when they're ill. Not every single woman has lots of friends, some have none, some have a couple of friends, but not really anyone they can fully rely on/depend on when the chips are down, and they really need support.

It's even harder for women with children. I have seen plenty of women (who are divorced/single/never married,) who have children/teenagers/young adult children who are NEETS, scrapping with others at work to get any additional hours they can get at work, for the extra money, purely to make ends meet. They are often on the bones of their arse. Kids are 18+ in some cases, and bringing no income in, and the father doesn't contribute because the children are legally adults.

Unless it's an abusive/toxic relationship, it's understandable why many women stay in relationships/marriages, even if they're a bit bored, and don't really love their partner. It's just a fact that in the vast majority of cases, that life is easier if you're in a couple/living together.

I think the reason so many women say it’s better being single is because very many men are not looking for a friend. They want a nurse, mother, maid or a free ride.

This. For a man, getting into a relationship with a woman who has her shit together is a no brainer.

She will organise things domestically. She will probably be a better cook and do more housework. She will provide emotional support and sex. These days she is quite likely also to be earning more than him. Increasingly marriage is less of a premium for such a woman so the commitment is more manageable. What’s not to like?

For a woman it’s less clear what the upside is. There are noble and notable exceptions but on average a man is less well organised, does far less domestic work, less life admin and is less good at organizing his social life. He may or may not be good at sex but he is more inclined to cheat.

Historically the killer app that a man brought to the table was money and financial security and this is still sometimes true but when they bring the money there are always strings attached ie they get to be “head of the household” and call the shots, the woman’s career gets downgraded etc.

This is a far less appealing proposition to a woman of today than a woman in the 1950s because a contemporary woman has far more choice.

I think women of today instinctively realise they are getting a poorer deal than they did in the past and are much happier to go it alone. Anyone who has cohabited with a man for any length of time knows that the downsides vastly outweigh the benefits.

I think it’s a weird hangover from the past which makes women feel they “need” a man. Hopefully it is dying out.

I hope so too @Thepeopleversuswork but I also don’t want us to go the way of Japan and South Korea with a declining birth rate.

Longtime partners become family (or almost). People don't tend to dump their close relatives lightly; people put up with annoying, difficult relatives because there is some sort of mysterious love that permeates such relationships, in spite of the obvious problems.

Some people are good at dumping and moving on. I guess a lot of modern self-help encourages this, but there is another side to that trend also.

I agree. There are some ridiculous matches out there, usually for some sort of gain rather than anything genuine. You’d be surprised what people can overlook and brush under the carpet for a house

I enjoyed being single, owning my own home, doing as I pleased. Then I met my husband. 36 years on, no intention of “dumping” him! .

I feel like anyone who really enters into marriage based on those corny old stereotypes of what men and women are like deserves whatever mediocrity they get. Literally the only reasons to enter into a relationship is because you enjoy someone else's company, there's sexual chemistry and they enhance your life.

(DP is more organised, more domestic and a better cook than me. Sex isn't something we "provide" to each other but something we both enjoy. We earn roughly similar amounts and the slight higher earner has always fluctuated.)

@Ddakji

Even if you accept that a falling birth rate is a concern (and personally I don’t), why should it be up to women to shoulder the burden of accepting shit relationships to satisfy some pronatalist agenda?

@gannett

I feel like anyone who really enters into marriage based on those corny old stereotypes of what men and women are like deserves whatever mediocrity they get.

Yes but most people do. That’s the point. There are always plenty of examples on here of people in progressive and equal marriages but these are still a minority on a national scale.

Oh, I don’t. I would like men to step up.

I’m just observing one worrying end result. But I don’t think women should just suck it up!

It’s hard to separate these things (settling vs being alone) as humans are as a species social, sexual and relationship-seekers by design.

I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person and have been for the last 20 years.. l have a very loving close family.. plenty of friends of both sexes.. I'm definitely not lonely.. love my own company.

This. ^ Those ridiculous outdated stereotypes from @Thepeopleversuswork were ludicrous!

Being alone can be a bit shit. We are a social species and loneliness is a killer.

Not everyone has a busy social circle and a lot of socialising costs money when you're already counting the cost of living alone.

Media currently pushes the idea that it's great to be alone, but the reality for many people is that it can get difficult and that doesn't mean they hate themselves.

So true

I think that’s pretty harsh. And you haven’t even realised your privilege.

I think lots of people go into relationships with starry eyed ideals of finding a soulmate and many end up disappointed. But when you’ve built a life with someone and your financial security and standard of living is dependent on it - it can be very hard to leave an ‘ok - ish’ relationship.

my tick list for a relationship was friendship, sexual chemistry and shared values. I’ve finally got that in my DP, but it didn’t happen easily and I had to kiss a lot of frogs. I was very fortunate to always have been in a position to walk away from a bad marriage. Not everyone has that luxury and it came at a high cost to me ( albeit one I had to take)

I think a lot of long time married people can drift apart especially after most goals have been met (mortgage paid off, children grown, new kitchen fitted!) but the alternative is understandably scary as fuck. Who wants to leave an OK'ish set up to face the unknown. As a widow I've discovered the true meaning of loneliness. Sometimes OK really is OK.

It’s depressing how frequently I hear a man describe their dream partner or what they love about their current partner…and it’s basically a bangmaid

I wouldn’t want my best buddies around me all the time and have zero interest in having sex with anybody.

This - 100% this!

There are a lot of perks to having a partner or companion though, so I think it makes sense to feel wary of being alone forever. I was happy being single in my 30’s and enjoyed my life, but wouldn’t want that in my 60’s, 70’s etc. I want someone to enjoy everyday life with.

@BatchCookBabe

no-one to share their everyday troubles and worries with, no-one to do hobbies with, no-one go on a day trip or holiday with (or out for meals, or to the cinema with.)

I share everyday troubles with friends and family most do the other stuff with friends or solo. I love solo travel!

I deffo think life is better in a good partnership I just don’t think there aren’t that many on offer. And not everybody has an issue doing the things you mentioned alone.

@Thepeopleversuswork

“She will organise things domestically. She will probably be a better cook and do more housework. She will provide emotional support and sex. These days she is quite likely also to be earning more than him. Increasingly marriage is less of a premium for such a woman so the commitment is more manageable. What’s not to like?
For a woman it’s less clear what the upside is. There are noble and notable exceptions but on average a man is less well organised, does far less domestic work, less life admin and is less good at organizing his social life. He may or may not be good at sex but he is more inclined to cheat.”

Which is why I always says a good partnership makes like better - but if you are a woman who does not want to parent your partner - does want to take on the domestic load and emotional labour load - your options for partnering are fairly slim

They aren’t outdated stereotypes. All the data shows that women do the lion’s share of domestic and emotional labour in heterosexual pairings, have less free time and do more childcare.

Obviously not all relationships are like that but a lot of the women who “prefer to be single” simply prefer to avoid that dynamic.