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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most people aren’t looking for love, they’re just terrified of being alone?

82 replies

ZingyJadePombear · 14/03/2025 18:59

Half of these “soulmates” would dump each other in a second if they actually liked themselves enough to be single.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2025 10:30

@BatchCookBabe

This. Those ridiculous outdated stereotypes from were ludicrous!^

Sorry if you think its ludicrous but its completely true. There's tons and tons of data to support it.

www.ippr.org/media-office/eight-out-of-ten-married-women-do-more-housework-than-their-husbands#:~:text=IPPR%20analysis%20shows%20that%20eight,do%2013%20hours%20or%20more.

Tbrh · 16/03/2025 10:46

JHound · 14/03/2025 19:05

I do wonder how many people would remain in their current relationship if they won the lottery / never wanted kids….

This 💯

TwistedWonder · 16/03/2025 10:51

I’ve found the older you get, the more comfortable you are with being on your own and hence why so many older, divorced of widowed women have absolutely no desire to get into another relationship and even those who do, many have zero interest in cohabiting .

When we’re younger, the want yo have kids is a strong urge to find a partner however once the child rearing days are over, the need for a partner is in many cases financial and/or not wanting to rock the boat.

madamweb · 16/03/2025 10:52

I love living alone, I was kind of annoyed when I met DH and really liked him BlushGrin

ladymammalade · 16/03/2025 10:59

BatchCookBabe · 14/03/2025 19:22

I think this is true of some people yeah...........

Plenty of people stay in dead/average/basic/just OK marriages, when they no longer love their partner (possibly never really did) because it's easier than leaving. They rub along together OK, they have a companion, they share the trials of life and life's burdens, (and the finances,) and a problem shared is a problem halved etc. But yeah I think some people would have left some years ago if they had come into money/didn't need their partner to help them with finances.

This is why celebrity marriages break up so often, because when the rot sets in, or the boredom, or their partner cheats and the trust and respect has gone, they can leave and survive alone OK. Many women (especially those who have children) would struggle massively alone, and stay because it's easier than leaving, and they fear being alone. Ditto the men. They will also struggle as they will have to fork out to support the ex, and the children, as well as paying for his own bills and rent or mortgage.

But yeah, I do think some people want a partner simply because they want to be in a couple, and many don't really deeply love that person. I also think very few people experience really deep, true, romantic love, and some people have never been truly in love.

@Chickoletta · Today 19:08

This is not true in my experience, thankfully. I know many couples who genuinely adore each other and enhance each other’s lives.

With respect, you only see - in your couple friends and acquaintances - what they want you to see. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know, one of them might have had multiple affairs. Anything could be going on in the home that you don't know of.

You’re not wrong - many people would look at our marriage from the outside and think we are adoring soulmates (in fact someone said as much to me the other day).

In fact, we’ve just made a decision to stay together for companionship/practical reasons. We don’t really argue, we have a lot in common but there is no intimacy or adoration left in our marriage.

I have plenty of friends in our age group in similar situations too. Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out on something better, and I also wonder if he would be happier with someone else but he’s adamant he wants to stick together.

It would be taking a big risk to throw it all away and end up alone anyway.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2025 20:49

madamweb · 16/03/2025 10:52

I love living alone, I was kind of annoyed when I met DH and really liked him BlushGrin

Same here. I far prefer living alone and generally dislike cohabiting. I now live with my DP (and DD) after seven years alone. If he wasn't so good domestically and so considerate (and also really enjoys time alone) I wouldn't have been able to tolerate him. As it was I really hesitant to move in together and waited nearly six years and even though it generally works well I still crave alone time.

I think everyone should have to live alone for a period of time. It's good for you in so many ways.

Nowvoyager99 · 16/03/2025 20:55

I’m very single and absolutely love it. Will never live with a bloke again.

Of my close friends, I would say it’s 50/50. Yes, some openly say they couldn’t cope living as I do. They complain about their relationships but are scared of being alone.

The other half who are coupled up seem to have far healthier relationships where they could live alone, but are genuinely very happy with their partner.

I think mumsnet gives a slightly skewed vision as there are legions of women on here tolerating totally inadequate men in substandard relationships.

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