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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a MIL one - how do I approach this

99 replies

LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 17:27

Just want to start with saying I'm grateful my MIL helps out with DC.
However there's a few issues regarding boundaries.
For instance MIL would go into my underwear drawer and take socks. She wouldn't say anything and I'd spot her with my socks on at a later date. She will use my products and hair tools (not a major issue) but always leaves the stuff out. She will also help herself to my snacks, quite often eating multiple or leaving none of certain things. Seems pretty petty but I have been openly annoyed about this one.

However, one time DP came home & she was watching DC who was napping. He walked in and she was walking around naked. She just laughed this off, but had no reason to be showering or walking about naked.

She has started sleeping over to let me work an extra day, it's just a short term arrangement. She brings pyjamas but will sleep naked, get up and walk around naked (usually in front of us) and take DC in to the bed with her whilst naked.
Since that she's started going in the bath with DC without asking if this is okay...

I'm just wondering if AIBU with being uncomfortable about this?
For some reason, I don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
romdowa · 14/03/2025 17:32

What did your dp say when he walked in and she was naked ? If I found either of my parents or inlaws naked alone with my child I'd hit the roof

Createausername1970 · 14/03/2025 17:33

I wouldn't be happy about a lot of this.

She is definitely crossing boundaries with taking personal stuff from your drawers. The eating of snacks I could ignore, but I would find it annoying.

I don't like the walking around naked or taking your child into the bath with her. I would find that very difficult to accept.

What does your partner say when he is confronted by his naked mum? Surely he can't be very happy about it either?

Original poster
LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 17:35

@romdowa he was shocked, just asked what she was doing & essentially told her off.
She gave an explanation for it and laughed it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 17:37

@Createausername1970 so it pretty much gets put down her personality, she's a free spirit etc etc.
He expresses disgust at it but doesn't actually say anything about it.
I brought my feelings up to my own mum, who said it's a generational thing & I would have bathed with my own grandmother. This is making me feel like I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
MuddyPawsIndoors · 14/03/2025 17:38

It's worrying that you have to ask.

Tell the woman to stick some clothes on in your house and that you don't want your children bathing with her.

Oh and she's not 'helping out' with your children or 'watching your DC while they were napping'.

She's providing you with actual childcare. Maybe that's why you're reluctant to speak to her about it.

romdowa · 14/03/2025 17:38

LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 17:35

@romdowa he was shocked, just asked what she was doing & essentially told her off.
She gave an explanation for it and laughed it off.

Thats not good enough. I'd be hiring a childminder and never leave this woman alone with my child or in my house again. She's clearly not right

Freshflower · 14/03/2025 17:49

Personally I find this not normal. Going in your underwear drawer and taking and wearing your socks??? Why? Does she not have her own socks? She might well have your knickers on too and you wouldn't know. Using your products and leaving them out is very disrespectful. The snacks aren't such a big deal , but walking about naked , sleeping naked with your child and going into her bath ....well it's a bit creepy don't you think. If grandad was doing that too, it's equally creepy in my opinion.
I'd say you'd rather she didn't go through your underwear drawer and if she's going to use some products can she put them back please. The naked sleeping , bathing and walking about naked I'd have stern words and say she's not to do that again. If she did , I would not allow her back in the house

2025willbemytime · 14/03/2025 17:51

Your job as a parent is to protect your child at all costs and always put their well being above anyone else.

Taking your child into her bed when she is naked is fucking unacceptable and there is NO acceptable reason for doing this, even if she isn't abusing them.

They would not be caring for my child alone. She's pissing all over her territory and thinks you are all her playthings.

edited for typo.

Createausername1970 · 14/03/2025 17:55

LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 17:37

@Createausername1970 so it pretty much gets put down her personality, she's a free spirit etc etc.
He expresses disgust at it but doesn't actually say anything about it.
I brought my feelings up to my own mum, who said it's a generational thing & I would have bathed with my own grandmother. This is making me feel like I'm being unreasonable!

You are not being unreasonable. Just because it used to be that way doesn't make it right for this day and age. We don't send small children up chimneys anymore.

I echo other posters and would sort out other arrangements.

You said it was a temporary measure. Can you tell her it's ending sooner than anticipated?

AliceMcK · 14/03/2025 18:14

No no no

my own mother would have bathed with my niece because she wanted to assert her position as my DBs mother/first choice over my SIL. She’d never have got away with it with my other SIL or me. My mother is a narcissistic control freak.

The naked thing is just fucking weird, if you want to walk around naked do it in your own home or join a naturist group.

Absolutely NO to taking my child into bed with another adult let alone a fucking naked one!!

Taking your things is again a sign of marking her territory, she has no respect for you or your belongings. Again something my controlling mother would do.

Your DH needs to tell her to stop and not allow her in your home alone or at all. I certainly wouldn’t let my DCs be left with her.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 14/03/2025 18:23

Bloody hell.

The thing is when you receive favours from people, and you’re relying on the favours due to work etc, they can basically do what they want can’t they?

As always, find proper registered childcare or rearrange your life so you don’t need childcare. Less money coming in because you’re not doing nights (or similar) is an investment in your peace of mind.

autisticbookworm · 14/03/2025 18:23

I’d tell her the things that need to stop- using your things , bathing with dc and being naked. If she refuses find different childcare

autisticbookworm · 14/03/2025 18:24

I wouldn’t mention snacks. Just hid them

thepariscrimefiles · 14/03/2025 18:33

She sounds like an exhibitionist. She may say that she's a free spirit but it's inappropriate in someone else's house. I'd feel really uncomfortable.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 14/03/2025 18:37

Is she showing any signs of dementia?

SunshineAndFizz · 14/03/2025 18:41

She sounds batshit.

Original poster
LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 18:42

Thanks for your replies.

I just want to say that I don't believe there's anything malicious behind her actions. She's pretty much a lax person, some could say even ditsy at times.

Part if this post was me trying to see if others grew up in a different household to myself and whether it may be accepted there. It seems the consensus is aligned with my feelings.

I wont require help with childcare from April. I'll be off work soon after that on Mat Leave. I'll speak to DP and basically say that it's not acceptable behaviour. I think he'll tell me I'll need to be the one to say it to her.

There's been issues previously with her. I guess I could say it was down to how she is as a person and me being different - more uptight should you say. That's also partly why I've been hesitant to speak out this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifesABeachx · 14/03/2025 18:46

thepariscrimefiles · 14/03/2025 18:33

She sounds like an exhibitionist. She may say that she's a free spirit but it's inappropriate in someone else's house. I'd feel really uncomfortable.

That's exactly how I feel. It's totally inappropriate in another person's house and it's either total disregard for their feelings or not giving a shit!

OP posts:
PieCorner · 14/03/2025 18:57

I don’t think you’re in any way uptight! I think she’s cheeky as fuck showering in your house, using your products, nicking your socks and wandering around in the buff. I’d be telling her very firmly that none of it’s acceptable.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 14/03/2025 19:00

Urgh I hope you regularly wash your soft furnishings
.

ConnieSlow · 14/03/2025 19:09

If it was FiL then everyone would be screaming grooming. I think this is extremely inappropriate and would be worried why she's doing this around your kids.

LittleMG · 14/03/2025 19:12

Her using your stuff is imo ok, I personally wouldn’t mind. But walking about naked NO NO NO NO NO. And NO

SemperIdem · 14/03/2025 19:16

Using my stuff would irritate me enough to politely say something.

The nudity would tip me over the edge, thoroughly inappropriate.

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 19:16

Weird as fuck.

You need to make alternative childcare arrangements for when you return to work. She’s batshit

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/03/2025 19:22

You are the parent here.
If your children told anyone outside the family unit about this, red flags would be flying.
I am in my 50’s and grew up in a house where we got one bath a week, which wasn’t unusual, and not once was it shared with anyone.
All of this is wrong. She is playing mind games. Taking your socks and wearing them in front of you isn’t ditsy at all. It’s actually very calculated and concerning.
Sleeping naked in your home, walking around naked in front of children is every shade of wrong.
Your husband should have well dealt with this by now.
In future, I would restrict access to your family to when you or your husband are there at the very least.

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